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Just Pabllslted, 

A new Book, uniform with this Yolume, and 
Illustrated, entitled 



Sense, 



BY 

••BRICK'* i»om:eroy. 

*^* These hooks are sold everywhere, and will he sent hy mail, 
POSTAGE FREE, 071 receipt of price, $1.50, 

BT 

G, W, Carleton & Co., PuWlsliers, 

New York. 



f^'i 



NONSENSE, 



OB 



Hits and Criticisms on the Follies of the Day, 



"BKICK" POMEEOY, 

{Editor qf the La, Cro%%e^ Fta., Democrat.) 



WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY J. H. HOWARD. 







/- NEW YOKE: 
G. W, Carleton & Co,, Publishers, 
LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO. 



MDOCCLXVIII. 



ts a 



U'\ 



7?^t> 



t^t 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 186S, by 

G. W. CAELETON & CO., 

In the Clerk'8 Office of the District Court of the United States for the 

Southern District of New York. 



The New York Printing Company, 
8i, 83, and 85 Cettire Street, 
New York. 



HD^bicaUon. 



Reader I This Volume is dedicated to you. 

IF IT RAISES A SMILE, DRIVES CARE FROM YOUR HEART EVEN FOR 
AN HOUR, AND MAKES YOU BETTER NATURED, 

/ am content 

IF YOU CAN WRITE A WORSE BOOK, DON'T DO III IF YOU CAN 

WRITE A BETTER ONE, DO IT QUICKLY FOR TUB 

EDinOATION OF 

"Brick" Pomeroy, 



CONTENTS 



OHAPTEB PAGE 

I.— Oar First Exercise in Skating 11 

n. — ^Science of Kissing 17 

IIL — Mosquitoes on a Bender 21 

IV.— My Milkmaid Miranda 29 

V. — My Experience at a New England Sewing-Circle ! 33 

VI. — Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship 4S 

VII.— Pickerel-Fishing iu Connecticut 56 

VIII.— B-o-8-t-o-n-! 63 

IX.— How I lost Aurelia Tl 

X.— The Dog-Gondest Dog 84 

XI.— Peter Oleum struck by " Brick." 94 

XII.— Teutonic Anguish 104 

XIII.— " Brick " and the Deacon's Hexa 109 

XIV.— Cure ^or a Cold 122 

XV. — " Brick" Pomeroy sends the President his Ann- Alice 123 

XVI.— "Brick" and Kalista 138 

XVII.—" Brick " Pomeroy's Evening with Arion 14T 

XVIII. — " Brick " Pomeroy's Experience at Niagara Falls 155 

XIX.—" Brick " Pomeroy Skateth at th e Central Park 1 68 

XX.— Boston Betsey's " Brick," or " Brick's " Betsey 176 

XXL— How to Buy Oil Lands 187 

XXII.— A Chicken Suit 205 

XXIII.— As a Pic-Nic-ist 209 

XXIV.— " Brick " and the School-Marms ! 219 

XXV.— "Wisconsin School-Marm Convention 232 

XXVI.— The Fun of Sleighing 245 

XXVII.— Slobbering Parties— for the Heathen ! 2^ 

XXVIII.— Wonderful Hair Keproducer 262 

XXIX.— The Dickens 266 



AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 



In the first place I did not write this Book. 

It was printed. 

And the reason I wrote it was simply this : 

In 1817 my father owned a large peach-orchard in New 
Jersey. At the same time he owned a yoke of oxen, and 
a large covered wagon. The wagon was covered by a 
shed. A simple shed of excellent habit, inasmuch as it 
covered the wagon. 

At this time my uncle lived in Canada, adjoining the 
town nearest the one he resided in. He owned a span of 
horses and a garden. It was a covered garden, covered 
by weeds. 

There was not then, and it is safe to presume there is 
not now any other resemblance between the wagon of ray 
father and the garden of my uncle, than the fact that each 
was covered. 

Why this was so I never knew, as the nurse left the 
day beforehand, so I determined to adopt the wisest course, 
thinking it would be the best. The result was all I wished, 
and more. 

In 1821, the physician moved away, and left the place. 
My father determined to bind me out as an apprentice to a 
fine old gentleman whose daughter was in love with a 
young man who lived with his father down the river 
which in the spring-time was so swollen by the rains that 
it was important not to cross it except in a skiff tied to a 
buttonwood tree by a chain which cost five dollars at the 
hardware store on the corner of the street in the village 
where each Sabbath morning the minister told his many 
congregation which would have been larger had it not been 
for the habit so many people had of staying away from all 
places of good instruction without which not a single per- 
son in the village would have been safe for a moment from 
the members of a band of desperadoes whose retreat was 
in the bowels of a huge mountain, on whose healthy sides 
1* 



10 Autlior'^s Preface. 

the birds sang all the day long as if to remind the weary 
passer-by that in all well-regulated families there exists a 
cause for the elTect be it great like the late war which 
was a fearful struggle on both sidqs for the original position 
held by the covered wagon of my father. 

Who can wonder at the infatuation of the youth when 
he saw his own true love in the power of the Indian whoso 
scalping-knife hung suspended from a tree over the grave 
where a small picket fence had been erected by a boy who 
saw the fire burst forth devouring in an hour the fruit of a 
lifetime of toil which unrewarded leaves no recompense 
to strengthen the soul of man as he wars with evils that 
beset the path which led to the trysting-tree which had by 
this time been cut down to make room for a large hotel 
where the sound of revelry by night was heard booming 
over the still waters of the lake as the moon shone down 
upon the sailor-boy stood on a burning deck! 

At this moment the breeching gave way and the horse 
plunged over the precipice, which at tliis point ran nearly 
a thousand cubic feet into the cave where the serpent had 
taken refuge from the coming storm wliich threatened to 
burst forth and destroy the entire plan of the temple on 
which if the workmen had been employed to save the 
child ere it struck, the bottom of the well down which the 
bucket descended bringing up the purest ice-water rival- 
ling the alabaster neck of the wounded sufferer whoso 
death happened to plunge the entire city in mourning. 

The reader will see at a glance that from this moment, 
none of us were to blame as the events mentioned will 
prove. 

P.S. — If this preface does not suit, the resignation of the 
reader will be accepted whenever he visits the sanctum of 
the author where the following pages were written merely 
for that 

" Little nonsense now and then, 
Is relished by the wisest men." 

Humorously thine, 

"Brick" Pomeroy. 

Sanctum : im Ci'08>ie, Wis., 1S67. 



Nonsense. 



CHAPTER I. 




Our First Exercise in Skating. 

JGHT beneath one of our windows, from 
morn till midnight, we see youngsters 
and oldsters twisting their legs into 
all conceivable shapes, skating up and down the 
river merry as lambs. We cannot pick up a 
paper but an article on "skating" meets the 
eye. Everybody says it's fun, and that's all 
everybody knows about it, for we've tried it 
Last night, about gas-light time, after reading 



12 Our First Mcerclse in Shitlng. 

a glowing description of life on skates, we pre- 
pared for our first attempt, and sallied forth 
to join the merry crowd. AVe had on a pair 
of stoga boots, trousers-legs tucked inside, a 
Robert-tailed coat, and white hat. "We went 
down on the ice, and gave a boy two shillings in 
good coin of the realm for the use of his im- 
plements. We have confidence, even as great as 
Peter's faith. We, with the assistance of a friend, 
fixed on the skates and stood erect like a barber's 
pole. Encouraged by the sight of some ladies on 
the bridge, who were just then looking at the 
skatei*s, we struck out. A slant to the right with 
the right foot, a slant to the left Avith the left 
foot, and just then wx saw something on the ice 
and stooped over to pick it up! On our feet 
again — two slants to the right and one to the left, 
accompanied with a loss of confidence. Another 
stride with the right foot, and we sat down with 
fearful rapidity, and very little if any elegance ! 
What a set-down it was^, for we made a dent 




'• Mary said, ' Guess 'taint a handkerchief, Jane,' and 
Mary was right. It wan't a handkerchief, not a bit of it." 
—Page 13. 



Out First Exercise in Skating. 13 

in the ice not unlike a Connecticut butter- 
bowl. 

Just then one of the ladies remarked, " Oh, 
look, Mary, that feller with the wdiite hat ain't 
got his skates on the right place ! " Ditto, 
thought we. Just then a ragged little devil sang 
out, as he glided past us : " Hallo, old timber 
legs ! " and we arose suddenly and put after him, 
and away went our legs — one to the east and the 
other to the west — causing an immense fissure in 
our pants and another picture of a butter-tray in 
the cold — oh, how cold! — ice! Then the lady 
again spoke, and said, " Oh, look, Mary, that 
chap with the wliite hat has sat down on his 
handkerchief to keep from taking cold ! " "We 
rose about as gracefully as a saw-horse, when 
Mary said, " Guess 'taint a handkerchief, Jane," 
and Mary was right. It wan't a handkerchief- 
Hot a bit of it. Just then a friend came along 
and proffered us his coat-tail as a "steadier." 
We accepted the continuation of his garment, 



14 Our First Exercise in Skating. 

and up the river we went, abont ten rods, when 
a shy to the right by the leader, caused lis, the 
wheel-horse, to scoot off on a tangent, heels up ! 
But the ice is very cold this season! 

We tried it again. A glide one way, a glide 
and a half the other, when whack came our bump 
of philoprogenitiveness on the ice, and we saw 
millions of stars dancing around us, like ballet 
girls at the Bowery Theatre. How that shock 
went through our system, and up and down our 
spinal column! Lightning couldn't have cork- 
screwed it down a greased sapling with greater 
speed or more exhilarating effect. Boarding- 
house butter nor warranty deed could have struck 
any stronger than we did — and a dozen ladies 
looking at us and om* fissured pants ! 

" Hallo, old cock ! " sang out that ragged imp 
again, and we there helpless. Soon we got up 
and made another trial with better success. Per- 
haps we liad skated, in our peculiar style, fifteen 
feet, when a blundering chap came up behind, 



Our First Exercise in Bleating. 15 

and we sat down, with our tired head pillowed in 
his lap, and he swearing at us, when it was all 
his fault ! How cold the ice was there, too ! 
Every spot where we made our clehut on the ice, 
oh, how cold it was ! Our nice bear-skin was no 
protection at all. We tried again, for the papers 
all say it's fun, and down came our Eoman- 
Grecian nose on the cold julep material, and the 
little drops of crimson ran down our shirt-bosom, 
and on to the cold ice ! 

Once more we tried skating — made for the 
shore — sat down and counted damages. Two 
shillings in cash thrown away ; seven lateral and 
one " frontemal " bumps on the ice ; one im,mense 
fissure in as handsome a pair of ten-dollar cassi- 
meres as a man ever put his legs in ; one rupture 
in the knee, extending to the bone ; four buttons 
from our vest ; a fragmented watch-crystal, and a 
back-ache big enough to divide among the chil- 
dren of Israel ! If you catch us on the smooth, 
glassy, chilling, freezing, treacherous, deceitful. 



16 Our First Exercise in Skating, 

slippery, and slip-uppeiy ice again, you'll know 
it ! If any one ever hears of our skating again, 
tliey will please draw on us at sight for the bi- 
valves and accompanying documents. We have 
got through. It's a humbug ! It's a vexation of 
spirit, of business, of flesh, and tearer of trousers ! 
It's a head-bumping, back-aching, leg-wearying 
institution, and we warn people against skating. 
We tried it, and shan't be able to walk for a 
month. Skating clubs are humbugs, and the 
only reason why the rascally youngsters wish to 
get the ladies at it, is that they may see — if they, 
too, don't say " the ice is dreadfully cold ! " It's 
nothing to us, it's nothing to us ; but the ladies 
will do as well to let skates alone, unless they are 
younger and more elastic than are we ! Oh, 
how cold the ice is — w^e can feel it yet ! 




CHAPTER II. 

Science of Kissing. 

lEOPLE will kiss, yet not one in a hundred 
knows how to extract bliss from lovely 
lips, no more than they know how to make 
diamonds from charcoal. And yet it is easy — 
at least for us ! This little item is not alone for 
young beginners, but for the many who go at 
kissing like hunting coons or shelling corn. 

First, know who you are to kiss. Don't make 
a mistake, although a miss take may be good. 
Don't jump up like a trout for a fly, and smack 
a woman on the neck, the ear, one corner of her 
forehead, the end of the nose, or slop over on her 



18 /Sciaicc of Jvissing. 

watcrfjill or bonnet-ribbon, in your haste to get 
throngli. 

TvHien God made tlio world lie went slow, 
and at last pronounced it "very good." Ditto 
kissing. And morning and night were the first 
day! It is simple, yet excellent. The gent 
should be a little the tallest. lie should have 
a clean face, a kind eye, a mouth full of ex- 
pression, instead of tobacco. Don't kiss all over, 
as grasshoppei-s walk. Don't kiss everybody, 
including nasty little dogs, male or female. 
Don't sit down to it. Stand up. You need 
not be anxious to get in a crowd. Two persons 
ai-e plenty to comer and catch a kiss ! More 
pei*sons spoil the sport ! Stand firm. It won't 
hurt after you are used to it ! 

Tixke the left hand of tlie lady in your right 
hand. Let your hat go to — any place out of the 
way! Throw the left hand gently over the 
shoulder of the lady, and let the hand fall down 
upon her right side, toward the belt. Don't be 



Science of Kissing. 19 

in a huiTy ! Draw her gently, lovingly, to your 
heart. Her head will fall lightly upon your 
shoulder — and a handsome shoulder-strap it 
makes ! Don't be in a hurry ! Send a little 
life down your left arm, and let it know its 
business. Her left hand is in your right. Let 
there be expression to your grasp — not like the 
grip of a vice, but a gentle clasp, full of electri- 
city, thought, and respect. Don't be in a hurry ! 

Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder ! 
You are nearly heart to heart ! Look down into 
her half-closed eyes ! Gently yet manfully press 
her to your bosom ! Stand firm, and Providence 
will give you strength for the ordeal ! Be brave, 
but don't be in a hurry ! 

Her lips almost open! Lean lightly forward 
with your head — not the body. Take good aim 
— the lips meet — the eyes close — the heart opens 
— the soul rides the storms, troubles, and sorrows 
of life (don't be in a hurry) — heaven opens before 
you — the world shoots from under your feet as 



20 iScience of Kmlng. 

a meteor flashes athwart the evening sky (don't 
bo afraid) — the nerves dance before the just- 
erected altar of love as zephyrs dance with the 
dew-trininied flowers — the heart forgets its bit- 
terness, and the art of kissing is learned ! No 
noise — no fuss — no fluttering and squirming, like 
hook-impaled worm. 

Kissing don't hurt — does not require a brass 
band to make it legal. Don't jab down on a 
beautiful mouth as if spearing for frogs ! Don't 
grab and yank the lady, as if she was a strug- 
gling colt ! Don't muss her hair — scrunch down 
her collar — bite her cheeks — squizzle her rich 
ribbons, and leave her mussed, rumpled, and 
mum-muxedl Don't flavor your kisses -svith 
onions, tobacco, gin cocktails, lager-beer, brandy, 

etc., for a maudlin kiss is worse than to a 

delicate, loving, sensitive Avoman. Try the above 
recipe, and, if you do not succeed, for further 
particulai*s call on, or write to " Brick " Pomekot 



CIIAPTEE III. 




Mosquitoes on a Bender. 

IGHT before last, in order to sleep, wo 
placed a piece of raw beefsteak on a 
plate at the head of our bed. In the 
morning it was by the mosquitoes sucked as dry 
of blood as an old sponge, and our skin saved at 
least two thousand perforations. All about the 
room, in the morning, were mosquitoes, plethoric 
with blood, loaded tili they could not fly. We 
killed a few, but tlic job was too sanguinary, so 
we left them to tifeeir feaTit. ' 

Last night, in brder to get even "svith the sere- 
nading devils, -v^e steeped half a pound of fresh 



22 Mosquitoes on a Bender. 

beefsteak in some old rye whiskey, and left it on 
a plate by the bed. Nothing like being hospita- 
bly inclined. In ten minutes after the light was 
extinguished, a swarm of these backbiting bill- 
posters made an advance movement. One of 
them caressed us sweetly on the nose — he sent in 
his bill — there was a slap — a diluted damn — a 
dead mosquito ! Soon we heard a tremendous 
buzzing about the whiskey-soaked beef. The en- 
tire mosquito family came singing in, and such 
an opera — ^good Lord deliver us ! But they did 
not disturb us with bites. We fell asleep, to be 
awakened in ten minutes by the worst mosquito- 
concert ever editor, mortal, devil, angel, divine, 
Dutchman, or any other man listened to. We 
raised a light, and the greatest show of the 
season was there to be seen. Every mosquito 
was drunk as a blind fiddler, and such an uproar- 
ious night as the long-billed whelps had, never 
was seen before this side of — selah ! The worst 
antics ! Some were playing circus on the plate. 



Mosquitoes oii a Bender. 23 

One big fellow, with a belly like Falstaff, full of 
blood and whiskey, was dancing juba on the 
Bible, while a fat friend of his lay on her back 
beating the devil's dream on an invisible tambou- 
rine, with one hind leg ! Two more were wrest- 
ling on the foot-board of the bedstead, each with 
his bill stuck fast in the timber. Another was 
tying the legs of our pants into a bow-knot to 
fasten about the neck of Anna Dickinson — ^whose 
picture hangs against the washstand — while 
another red-stomached customer was trying to 
stand on his head in the wash-bowl. 

All over the room were drunken mosquitoes ! 
One long-billed, gaunt representative, was trying 
to ram the mucilage bottle full of newspaper 
clippings. Another chap was drilling a hole 
through a revolver handle, and singing " My 
Mary Ann;" while still another was limping 
across the window-sill in search of fi'esh air, to 
the agonizing tune of " Tramp, tramp, tramp ! " 
One little rat of a skeet Avas trying to jam the 



24 Mosquitoes on a Bender. 

cock out of Ben. Butler's eye with a tooth-brush, 
as his picture hung in the room beside that of 
Kidd, the pirate. A drunken statesman of the 
mosquito family was talking Russian to a lot of 
drunken companions, as they lay in a heap on 
the plate, while another one sat in the handle of 
our bowio-knito, d()ubled up with criunp in the 
stomacli, and trying to untie his tail with his bill, 
which seemed like Lincoln's backbone when 
Anna Dickinson said it wanted stiflening. He 
was a sick-looking skeoter, and died in tliree 
minutes after we saw him, her, or it, as tlie case 
may be. Two othci*s took a bath in the ink- 
stand. One, with a bill like the deviPs narrative, 
was trying to wind our watch with a pen-wiper, 
while another died ns he was sitting on the nm 
of a dish in the room, trying to chaunt ^'Mother, 
I've come home to die ! " Poor skeeter. A nice 
skeeter, but ^' 'twas a pity he drank.'' An old 
veteran, with a paunch full of 'alf and 'alt^ — blood 
and whiskcv — sat on the tabic, rcadincr Les 



Mosquitoes on a Bender*. 25 

Miserables, while liis wife was under the stove 
trying to mend her Ijroken wing with a limpsey 
toothpick. She looked disgusted ! Another one 
combed his hair with a paper of pins, tied a piece 
of white paper about his neck, pasted a five-cent 
infernal revenue stamp on his rump — or words to 
that effect — and died like a " loyal " citizen. Ilia 
last words were — 

" Tell the traitors all around you," etc., etc. 

Another drunken scamp started out of the 
window for Jolm B. Gough, or a stomach- 
pump. A worse behaved set of bummers we 
never saw. They acted fearfully. About two 
thousand lay around dead, but sadness seemed 
not to break in upon their hilarious rioting 
upon blood and whiskey. Ilalf-a-dozen of them 
sat on our new hat playing draw-poker, using 
worm lozenges for checks, while one of the 
party got clean busted by making a fifty- 
dollar blind good on a four-flush, which didn't 
2 



26 Mosquitoes on a Bender. 

fill ! He will be apt to wear cotton socks next 
winter, and keep away from cliiu*cli collection 
days. Another one sat on top of a brandy bot- 
tle, reading " Baxter's Call to the Unconverted," 
while his partner lay dead at his feet, evidently 
forced to close doors by the failnre of Ketchum 
& Son, of New York ! Six others were trying 
to hang one that looked like a Copperhead, to 
the corner of a match-safe; but as they were 
drunk and he sober, it was not safe to bet on his 
being dangled. They ate the beef, drank the 
blood and whiskey, di-illed the plate full of 
holes, and on the centre-table organized a Son 
of Malta lodge, using a five-cent shin-plaster for 
blanket in the act entitled " The Elevation of 
Man." 

Another red-bellied leader of the Miss Keeter 
family had a battalion of drunken bummers on 
the edge of a spittoon watching him jam a fur 
overcoat into his left car. He acted foolish — 
foolish enough for a brigadier-general or member 



Mosquitoes on a Bender, ^ 

of congress. A little cuss with black legs, crim- 
Bon stomacli, and double-jointed bill, was vomiting 
in a satin slipper, while his wife, a sickly-looking 
lady of her tribe, was gnawing at the bed-post, 
thinking it a bologna. Another one, evidently 
an old maid, sat under the sofa milking the cat, 
while her sister was crowding a pair of woollen 
drawers into her waterfall, singing in a subdued 
strain — 

" Come rest in this bosom I " 

We have applied for a season ticket — front 
seat. 

Another one, with a certificate of marriage 
over his head in the shape of a welt the size of a 
candle-mould, was dancing a fandango with two 
mosquito virgins on a watch-crystal, while a 
deacon in one of their churches sat playing old 
sledge with a corkscrew, to see which should go ^j^** 

for a gin cocktail. An artistic delegate was 
standing on his head in a champagne tumbler, 



28 Monijidtoes on a Bender. 

Olio liind loi^ run tlirongh his under jaw, wliilc 
with the otluu* ho was pointing out the road to 
Kiclnnond to n lot of skeots still drnnker than 
himself, wlio wore Bitting dog-fjishion on the 
pillow. Wo should Bay it Avas a gay party — 
quitcly so ! 

Talk about shows, concerts, dog-fights, amputa- 
tions, circuses, negro funerals, draw-poker, spark- 
ing, or other amusements, there is nothing to bo 
compared to a flock of mosquitoes on a bender. 
If you don't believe it, fix them up with a piece 
of beefsteak soaked in whiskey, and laugh your 
sides sore at the antics the drunken warblers cut. 






^KIP 




f t.is^3R^^];r:4SS>fe . 1? 



CriArTER J V. 



My Milkmaid Mieanda. 



5 X LOYFA) a milkmaid, Miranda l)y cog- 
^r^ Domcn, and blie was the quickest milkist 
^•'^ that ever squatted garter-holders under 
tho dripping caves of a patient bovine on a day 
of rain, and bIcIi. She was handBome. Jler 
mother was a handsome cuss, and her father 
was a l^lessing in disguise, with mien like an 
angel - ai^d hair colored like a New Jersey 
bam. 

Miranda lived in New England. Her paternal 
pap engineered a country store, kej)t blooded 
gcGse, sold potatoes by the pound, kept cheese 



80 My Milkmaid Miranda. 

rinds for rat-trap bait, blackened pins and sold 
them for fisli-liooke, furnished steam for a Puri- 
tan praycr-mcetinc:, cultivated a duck pond, and 
taught his noso to blush on applo brandy. He'd 
take the screws out of his mother's coffin and sell 
them for money to put on the clim-ch contribu- 
tion-plate, and he never missed attending com- 
munion in order to get a free lunch at the ex- 
pense of — never mind who ! 

But Miranda wan't lilvo him. She milked the 
cows and strained the milk. I used to help her. 
We were both boys — that is, I was a boy, then. 
I was green, but pure. Ditto Miran. She was 
tall. She was long for this world. She was fat 
as a toothpick. She had a neck like a bottle of 
"Worcester sauce. She wa^^. slim as tlie salary of 
a country minister, or the wardrobe of a country 
editor washing-day. And didn't I sling love into 
her lap ? You bet ! And didn't she sling milk 
into her little twelve-quart tin pail, while I used 
to stand and hold tlie drooping backbone con- 



My Milkmaid Miranda. 31 

tinuation of tliat bovine cow, lost it soil the tinted 
cheek of my milkmaid, Miranda ? 

"We loved. IIow could we Leljj it? Her 
mother was opposed to the match. She thought 
Miranda wan't good enough for me. I had the 
poverty. It struck in before I struck out. Be- 
ing poor, I was good ; hence the objection. So * 
we courted syruptastingly, and met in the barn- 
yard the usual way — through the back gate. 
Every night I veni'd and vidi'd. Her mother 
■Qsed to catch us at it. She enticed Miranda into 
bedrooms, cellars, pantries, and closets, and there 
confined her before her time came for going out 
to milk. 

Eut we often circumvented the aged matron. 
We changed clothes with the hired man, and 
went in on our nerve. Miranda loved. " Erick " 
loved. But we had hard times of it. Affection 
/^ gurgles as it runs. Our affection ran not 
smoothly. The darned tiling won't run smootli. / 
Selah ! 



82 My Milkmaid Miranda, 

We used to wander after beech-nuts, and the 
old lady was there. We sallied forth to gather 
shells of ocean — as we called hen's eggs — ^in the 
hay-mow, and behold ! the old lady was there. 
We went forth hand in hand, like the ghost of 
John Brown and that other man, in search of a 
love-lit bower, and behold! there appeared the 
aged who first knew Miranda, and bade us return. 
She was an agile mother. We sat under the 
window to compare our tales of love, and Mi- 
randa's mother inflicted shower-baths upon us 
the while. We attended funerals in order to 
have fun, but behold she was there, and oiu- fun 
came not to pass. At times I rode the family 
horse by the window at stated periods when Mi- 
randa was to be there, and the voice of my milk- 
maid's maternal was always saying, "Let's see 
how fast you dare ride ! " She locked up the 
barn-door to keep us from entering therein. She 
locked up the parlor to keep us from courting 
there. She stuck sticks over the kitchen door- 



My Milkmaid Miranda, 33 

latch to keep us out of that apartment. She 
locked Miranda up in a cellar to keep us from 
descending into that damp place. I said in my 
puny wrath, " Dog-gone that ancient female ! " 
I had but one hand to love Miranda with — the 
other was needed to battle the second volume of 
Miranda's authorship with. My love sank. It 
lowered. It prostrated. I went to Canada. I 
remained in the embrace of the Queen, as 'twere 
After a time the old lady, at the close of a de- 
lightful trip of nine weeks' duration, arrived at 
the grave-yard, thanks to a doctor, whose doc- 
torin I ever recommended in such cases. The lit- 
tle posy-rosy, the hollyhock, and the asparagus 
bloomed over the maternal derivative of my milk- 
maid, and made me happy. I shouted in unison 
with merry roosters and the vernal chickens, and 
sought her I loved. Twelve years had gone and 
done it. But Miranda stuck it out. ITo one 
could look upon the face of her ma, and survive. 

I was the exception. Miranda's father had 
2* 



34 My Milkmaid Miranda. 

passed in his checks. He grew tired of life, and 
after a fit of family happiness took the poison the 
rats refused, and went joyfully from the anns of 
Miranda's maternal mother to death, and its re- 
sults, as 'twere. 

Miranda had the tilings she inherited, such as 
geese, the little store, the cheese rinds, the war- 
bling ducks, and all sich of the estate, and threw 
open the shutters of her heart. I popped in. 
The fVont room thereof was vacant. I slung in 
my traps, crawled in at the window, took pos- 
session, sang a song of joy, kissed my milkmaid 
on her dinner-catcher, sold rtiy disappointment 
for a yellow necktie, and became an altered 
man, full of joy where sorrow had so lately 
nestled. We courted. We wedlocked. We 
sold the old homestead. We went to 
B — ^Mhn (with the "thn" up your nose), 
and went in for style ! 

There was a party. Miranda fixed up for it. 
Miranda was flush from the proceeds of the 



My Milkmaid Mircmda. 35 

homestead. She bought a cow's worth of frizzled 
hair, a sheep's worth of lace for her garters, a 
hog's worth of night blushing seriousness, and the 
earnings of tlie geese, bees, chickens and ducks 
her father had for years, and went to the ball. 
But she was gay ! Hardly knew her. She looked 
large. Such a bust ! Such colors ! Such teeth ! 
Such hair ! Such complexion ! Such palpitators ! 
Such poached front hair, and such scrambled 
back hair ! She was raised in "Weathersfield, 
New England, and was weaned on onions. I 
knew her by her gentle breath. But for this I 
would have lost her. 

We wore out the party. All fashionable people 
stay to extinguish the lamps. Style. We went 
home. There was a cry of fire. Our house was 
in flames. Miranda had gone to her retirary 
while I was wi'iting a description of the party. 
I heard the alarm. I rushed into our bedroom. 
I found something slim and docile in the bed ! 
I thought it was the bolster got the wrong way. 



36 My M'dhnaid Miranda. 

1 wanted to act in tireman style, so throw a mirror 
out of the window to let the crowd down-stairs 
know all was safe above ; then ran down with 
bolster in my arms. This long slim bolster was 
Miranda, my milkmaid ! She had decreased. 
Attccted by fear. I sat her down under the par- 
lor T\andow, in a rose-bush, that the crowd might 
not see "the charms her downcast modesty," 
etc., failed to conceal. 

Then I ran back to get her things, spread in 
five chairs at the foot of the bed and lying in 
circles on the floor. I got them. Nine armsful 
when I had them all. The house was in ruins, 
and Miranda was burned to death. I felt bad ! 
Who could help it ? Pai'don my weakness, but 
I wept. Yet I was consoled. Though gone, she 
was with me still. I had all that made her love 
ly. I had her curls, her frizzle, her rats, her 
waterfall I I had her spiral palpitatoi*s, her 
bird's-nest, her veals ! I had a set of teeth, a 
steel compress for the ankles! I have set all 



My Milkmaid Miranda. 



37 



things in their order. I Lave them hung on 
wires. I shall pour a little melted girl (easy to 
be had this hot weather) into the fixings, and 
have an udder Miranda. How lucky to save 
80 much of her! 

Ever of theely, 

"Bbick" Pomeeoy. , 





CHAPTER V. 

My^ ExrKRiKNCK AT A Nkw England Sewing- 

ClRCLK I 



"Tho Christian ladioa of this congrogation nro invited 
to moot, Thursday evening, at the rcsidonco of Mrs. Sniv- 
eller, to form a Sewing-Society. A full attondanec i.s 
requested." 

flJCJlI, luv dear hearers, reads a notice I 
liiid oil my sacred desk this morning, 
and I read it in hopes you will profit 
thereby. 

AVe will now sing Tsahn cxxxi., first two 
stanzas : 



A New EngUmd Sewmg-Circle. 39 

My heart not hauj^liiy ih, Lord, 

Mine eyes not loftly bo; 
Nor do I doal in rnattorH frroat, 

Or things too high for niol 

I surely havo rny.self bohav'd 

With spirit great and mild> 
As child of mother weaned ; my soul 

Is like a weaned child. 

All sing I 

Says I, " Bully." Not in a bully Bpirit, but 
with a Bort of Puritanical meaning, and con- 
cluded to go. MrB. Sniveller — Mrs. Deacon 
Sniveller — lived in a large white house, in a 
8tone-i>atch under tlie hill, down by Lcr huB- 
band'fl button shop. Mrs. Sniveller was a 
leading horse, so-called, in the team of benevo- 
lence at Buttonville. Slic had a little peaked 
red nose, about right to open clams with ; a 
nervous jerk to her head, spiral enticers, and a 
waterfall the size of a plum-pudding, but filled 
with more ingredients. Deacon Sniveller passed 



40 A New England Sewing- Circle, 

the plate Sabbaths, and took the funds home 
to count. Mrs. Sniveller always gave with 
great liberality on the next Sunday I 

I wanted to go. I borrowed hoops, skirts, 
waterfiills, and etceteras. I puffed my front- 
hair, slung my waterfall on my bump of obsti- 
nacy, hoisted an onion into the ^;eticule I car- 
ried on the left arm, shouldered a green cotton 
umbrella, took a piece of red flannel to make a 
shirt for some little innocent bud on the tree 
of Abolitionism, and sallied forth, as the Yankee 
clock struck two. 

Mrs. Sniveller was in. The front parlor and 
the middle parlor was full of noble women, while 
the best bedroom was full of bonnets, green um- 
brellas, and reticules, in which to carry home 
Bweetcakes, tarts, biscuit, plum pits, apple cores, 
and such little things slyly slipped from Mrs. 
Sniveller's table. 

Mrs. Sniveller didn't know me. I told her I 
was little Sally Squiggle, as what lived there 




"Loidy massy, so it is I Why how njvtural you do look I 
Bless me, let me kiss my dear Sally." — Page 41. 



A New England Sewing-Circle. 41 

ten years before, and had been South teachin' 
skule ! 

" Lordy massy, bo it is I Why, how natural 
you do look, now it all comes to me agin ? 
Bless me 1 let me kiss my dear Sally, who has 
escaped from the wretches I " And angelic Mrs. 
Sniveller came near putting my right eye hora 
de combat with the end of her nose I 

I was introduced. Nineteen women were glad 
to see me, and kissed their dear little Sally till 
my waterfall got skewed clear around under my 
left car, and I began to feel a rising sensation 
in my throat from the hugging then and there 
given — or words to that effect. 

After I had been so affectionately gone 
through, I went into the bedroom to reconstruct ! 
Gracious I My waterfall had got under ray left 
ear, making me look as if some ugly man of sin 
had lifted me one with brass knuckles, and forgot 
to take it home with him, while my beautiful 
front hair resembled a garden full of pea- vines 



42 A New England Sewing- Circle. 

after a hurricane. But I retained my composure, 
and went out to become the centre of attraction. 

" My dear Sally ! " 

"Precious Sally!" 

" Little Sally Squiggle, sure enough ! " 

" So glad you cum hum ! " 

" JSTeow dew tell us all abeout it ! " 

Mrs. Sniveller was made chairman, and the 
following resolutions were adopted : 

" Hesolved, That this shall be called the But- 
tonville Benevolent Baby Association. 

'' Besohedj That Mrs. Sniveller be, and hereby 
are, our President. 

" Resolved^ That our aim is to help the down- 
trodden and bedridden daughters of Ham, now 
in the clutches of that vile people, and to this 
end every member of the B. B. B. make one 
little flannel shirt a week, and Sally Squiggle 
shall tell us the size. 

" Besolved, That we open and close our Society 
with prayer. 



A New England Sewing- Circle. 43 

" Resolved^ That each one of the members in- 
vite some man to go home with her at night." 
(Here I was about to object for fear of exposure, 
but for fear of exposure I didn't object. — Sally.) 

After the Society was organized, I was kept so 
busy answering questions that I came near not 
finishing the baby envelope I was working on, 
and should not, had I not took long stitches, as 
people do in benevolent sewing ! 

Mrs. Sniveller said: 

"Now, Sally, ain't that ere Southern people 
the hatefuUest proud people the world ever did 
see ? Cousin John, who went down as a sutler, 
brought home two trunks of the proudest silks, 
laces, jewelry that was real gold, and set with 
purty stones that was real diamonds, and worth 
a power of money. He found them in bureaus, 
trunks, closets, and sich places. The sneaking, 
coward-men, had gone off to kill our good peo- 
ple, and the women were at work in the hos- 
pitals, and all John had to do was to whip a lot 



44 A J^ew England Sewing-Circle, 

of little children and help himself! I know 
them ere folks are a wicked, mean, ongrateful 
Bet, and ought to be killed.'' 

Mrs. Puritan wanted to know if it was true 
that the people of the South actually cooked 
biled dinners on Sunday? If they did, she 
really hoped her cousin in Congress would pass a 
law that whenever a man in the South cooked 
a biled dinner on Sunday, he should be hung 
before dinner, and his biled dinner should be 
sent Korth ! 

Mrs. Pinchbeck hoped the war would continner 
to go on till there was no more end of nothing. 
For her part, it was all stuff about the people suf- 
fering during the war. Her Josiah had a con- 
tract, and made two hundred thousand dollars 
the first year ; and when her brother^ Hev. Peak- 
nose Ranter, came back from the war — where 
he had periled his precious life eating preserves 
so they would not hurt sick soldier — she brought 
home more than fifty gold watches, and the nicest 



A JVew England Sewing- Circle. 45 

gold-clasp Bible, which was now used every Sun- 
day in one of the Buttonville churches. 

Mrs. Squeak said the people of the South were 
nothing but murderers; for when her brother, 
Colonel Fibre Hunter, was out in a field, doin' 
nothin', killin' nobody, doin' nothin' but just 
seein' how much cotton an army team could 
draw, so he could tell if it was a good team, 
some cowardly gorilla shot a hole clean through 
him, and wouldn't even send his clothes home for 
her Jedediah to wear out ! And she hoped if an- 
other war ever did come, some of them sinful men 
of the West would go down and do it to 'em agin ; 
not that she cared so much for her brother, but 
she wanted them are clothes for her Jedediah ! 

Mrs. Cockeye said she hoped there would be a 
hull passel of wars ; for her cousin, her dear g^pd 
cousin, Benjamin (the Beast), had made lots of 
money in the late war, and had supplied nearly 
all her relatives with spoons, watches, silver- 
ware, etc. ; and said it was right the war should 



46 A New England Sewmg-Cirde. 

go on, for her cousin was safer in war than before 
a court of justice, even ; and said it was a Chris- 
tian duty to let all Christian wars be continnered 
so long as there was anybody to continner 'em. 

Mrs. Sniveller here spoke again : 

"Well, I don't care, nohow. The South 
should be fought ! "What right had they to have 
cotton picked by niggers without asking our con- 
sent ? And they were rich. And they had nice 
things. And we believe a nigger baby is of more 
account than a white pauper in the IS^orth. And 
my husband, Deacon Sniveller, wants more 
bones to make buttons of; he'll sell the buttons 
to the South and "West, and they will have to 
pay us !N"ew England Christians for the privilege 
of wearing out their own bones." 

By this time tea was ready. "We had a good 
tea. Such curious silver- ware — old-style, pure 
silver — didn't taste brassy a bit, and all of us 
ladies tasted all the silver dishes to see ! And 
such a lot of spoons ! Each one of us had at 



A New England Sewing-Circle, 47 

our plate a spoon with our initials on. Mrs. 
Sniveller had a barrel of silver spoons, and 
hunted them over till she found our regular 
initials in regular order ! Oh, it was so nice ! 
And we piled all the shirts up in a chair, and 
put a Bible, rescued from the wicked South, on 
the top of the pile, and then Kev. Mr. Slammer 
came in and made a prayer, while Mrs. Drawler, 
on a nice rosewood piano, played that patriotic 
piece of music — 

" John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave ! 
John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave! 
John Brown's body lies mouldering in the grave I 
Glory, Glory, HaUelujah I " 

After which the Button ville B. B. Society of 

Button ville, Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 

adjourned till next Thursday, when I am going 

again, if they don't find out that Sally Squig 

gles is 

That horrid 
: "Beick" Pomerot. 





CHAPTEK YL 

BiLURIA BULKINS AND OUR CoURTSHIP. 

'LUEIA was a husky Seraphim, de- 
scended all O. K. from ancient Bul- 
kins, who used to sit on a mackerel tub 
in Deacon Whezeener's grocery, with his legs 
crossed, and tell what a powerful delegate he was 
when he was a young man. He was the man. 
He was the individual as what had the sylph I 
sparked. Biluria was his dart. And a nice 
darter she were. She had a mother — a nice 
lump of lean, who wore a peaked nose, a pair of 
black stockings, knit springy at the top to save 
garters, and for twenty-five years went about the 



Biluria Bulkins and our Courtship, 49 

house before going to bed, clad like an angel, 

with a fire-shovel in one hand and a tallow-dip 

in the other, looking to see as how as if that ere 

dod-derned cat had concluded to stay in or to go 

out. I don't like cats, except in fiddle-strings. 

Mrs. Bulkins was a vehement catist — she always 

had more cats than doughnuts in the house. 

Biluria didn't hanker after cats, but then could 

endure them. There was one cat — Mr. T. Cat. 

He was a handsome and a feline rascal. He 

devastated milk-pans, and created funerals in 

hen-coops about young chicken time, and made 

a telescope of his tail every moonlight night 

on the roof of the woodshed, accompanied by 

more cat and much yell. He was the only feline 

Biluria could endure. Gushing Biluria ! She 

used to sit up nights when I went to spark her, 

with that blessed c-a-t in her lap, right where 

my head ought to be, and pull its little slender 

whiskers. Said I : ^' Biluria, do so by me ! " 

Said Biluria: " Oh, your wiskers ain't big enough 
3 



50 Biluii^a BuVkinh and our Courtship. 

to pull, yet." Then we'd eat a doughnut, and 
drink some cider, and look in the fire. Then 
I'd listen to the snoring of the two Bulkinses 
in the setting-room bedroom, and Biluria would 
sit and play with the cat's tail. Said I : " Bil- 
uria, do so ! " ]N"o, I didn't say so, neither ; I 
just said : '' Biluria, if you don't diminish those 
cat on them floor, I'll occupy them lips for a 
kiss!" And down always went the cat, and I 
occupied Biluria, so to speak, and kissing was 
thus enjoyed. ^^ 2\cas nice ! ^^ It weakens me 
now to think of it. To turn one of Biluria's 
kisses over in the store-room of memory is no 
fool of a job. Biluria had red lips, and the 
sweetest ever investigated. I used to investigate 
them. I was the committee to do that are. ]VIy 
arms were my credentials. I used to hold out 
my credentials. Skirmish to the front, throw 
out my pickets, rally to the breastworks of affec- 
tion, tie my credentials about Biluria's bread- 
basket, and go in radically for a lover's kiss. 



JBiluria Bulkms and our Courtship. 51 

Oh ! I guess not ! Biluria was the sweetest 
kisser in the world, except when she'd been 
eating onions. She was a Wethersfield girl — a 
Connecticut child of sorrow — and oft did fill her 
pancake-trap with onions. At those times the 
nectar of love was a little strong — too strong 
to gush much. But at other times 'twas no 
use talking. Why, one of her kisses would 
last me a week, if I couldn't get more ! They 
used to gush out all over, run down my shirt 
bosom into my vest pocket, and solidify like 
candy. I used to bite them off, there, as from 
little sticks of candy. 

I could not always be with Biluria. I had the 
wood to cut, the cows to fodder, the sheep to 
com, the hens to roost, the swine to feast, the 
steers to chase away from the wheat-stack, and 
the apples to sort, and this kept me from Biluria. 
But while I was hence from her, she made up 
kisses, ripened them on her lips, and left them 
hanging there for me to ])luck. And you 



52 Biluria Bulhins and our Courtship. 

bet I was a lively plnckist on those occa- 
sious. 

One time old Biilkins was took. He was a 
deacon. He made prayers at niglit over two 
liom-s, long, and lie Avan't a stuttering man, 
either ! I was there. Biluria was there. The 
old lady Bulkins was there, asleep. Biluria 
took hold of my hand with her hand, and we 
went to sleep. We thus reposed nigh onto two 
hours. At last Bulkins terminated ! lie had 
consoled the old lady to slumber, and rej)osed 
Biluria and I. He was thunder-struck quitely 
when he came to. He was naturally a jokist, so 
from a warm room he entered into the outer air 
for an icicle to gently touch the old lady and 
Biluria where my " love lies dreaming." The 
cold comfort he brought in wakened us, but in 
going out for it he caught cold. The next day 
he wheezed a little. I wanted to try heave 
medicine, but he wouldn't. I saw he was took 
He saw it. We all felt bad, for the old Bulkins 



Bilv/ria Bulhms and our CourtsJiijp. 53 

was rich, and it is hard for the rich to die ! The 
old lady found comfort in a black bottle. She 
was a gin-uine spiritualist ! Biluria and I found 
consolation, too. She had lots of it — enough for 
me, at all events ! 

The old man lingered. lie was saving. He 
didn't want to die in the winter, for it was more 
expensive to open the earth, then. lie was near- 
sighted, but at last he saw something. He re- 
marked but little. He said, perhaps we had bet- 
ter wed. He was facetious, even in his agony. 
He said: "My two B.'s, if it must B so, let it B 
80, though I don't see how it can be. Send for 
a minister, and a mature almanac." Bulkins left 
soon after. We marched forth with him in 
March. Mrs. Bulkins lingered and went also. 
We inserted her by the side of the other Bul- 
kins. One night I felt a little thick, and went 
to the buttery for the gin bottle! It was 
empty! Who wouldn't die when the bottle 
refused to respond? 



CA Biluna Bull-ins and our Courtship. 

" I woiiUl not livo always, 
I would not if T could ; 
So I slung Mio empty bottle, 

And put another where it stood 1 " 

And thiia I inherited Biluria, and the farm, 
and the Btock, and the ohl wagons, and tho 
fences, and the potato holes, and the trash in tho 
barn, and the broad acres of T^nlklns, the pariont 
of l>ihiria. It'a a good way to amass wealth. 
Better than working for it, and more nicer. And 
now yon onght to see ns. "We go to ehnroh 
every Sunday. We have nigh onto twenty littlo 
Bilnrias and *' Bricks," and there is no good rea- 
son why, in com-se of time, we may not have a 
fiunily to rise up in the morning and quarrel 
about their shoes and stockings, till their blessed 
mother gives them all a warm spot to sit down 
on. "We hope, and more too. I am happy now. 
We never read newspapers, for that would be a 
waste of money. We just go along on the road 
of life, at a jig-jog gait, and nothing troubles us. 



Bilurla BulhiiiH awl our (JourUh'ifp. 55 

I'm a sort of easy delegate. Biluria is the oiil;y 
literary one in tlio family. Slio don't care much 
to read papers winter ni^lits, hut is deatli on (;1(1 
almanacs and such, and I am a happy 

"Bkick" Tomeroy. 




CTIAPTEH YII. 




Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut. 



IIEISTMAS and Sunday made a joint- 



'V,.W4 stock concern tliis year, and skirmished 
in together. We saw them approach, 
and retired in good order, so as not to embarrass 
them dm-ing their " toilight" hours. Yery con- 
siderate, of conrse ! Cliristmas and Sunday 
went out togetlier. We fear for Sunday, as 
Christmas is a hilarious chap, in honor of whose 
birth all who have the stamps get liigli. Selah ! 

Buck and we took much second dinner with 
Holcomb, ye uproarious, whose residence, on the 
elevation, towers far above the otlier towers. 



PickerelrFishing in Ccnmecticut. 67 

Then we advanced on two bodies of the enemy, 
well entrenclied. We advanced rapidly, and 
went home before Christmas and Sunday dis- 
solved their joint-stock concern. 

And in the morning we awoke. Hair felt 
heavy. So young, and yet so fair! So light, 
and yet no lightning. Buck said pickerel-fishing 
would cure the hair. S'posc Buck knows. Wlio 
knows ? 

Advanced out of bed in good order. Flanked 
a liberal breakfast. Struck ile on om- boots. 
Boy skirmished on a hardware store, and re- 
turned with much fish-lines and large majorities 
of pickerel-hooks. We took our pick. Went for 
mummy-chubs. Nice bait, those mummy-chubs. 
Fat little fellows from the salt sea foam, with 
much wiggle. Captured many of those — at least 
seven hundred. Ycry moist out. Rain was on 
the fall muchly. Made for Factory Bond. 
]3uck carried two field-pieces, loaded. We car- 
ried mummy-chubs, (iot to pond. Nice pond, 

3* 



68 Pickerel- Fishing i7i Connecticut. 

with ice on its cold bosom. Nice ruin, bnt a 
little too wet. Forgot the hooks. Sent boy two 
miles to the rear for hooks, which came np in 
good order. Cut numerous holes through the 
ice — like perforating for petroleum. Married the 
liook to tho wiggler mummy-chub, and drop- 
ped a line to the pickerel. Sat down on the ice 
to wait for a bite. Patience is a good thing — 
yery good thing. Saw Buck balancing a colum- 
biad on his chin. We skirmished down upon 
him in time to turn in for relief ! Thought it 
was " inducing " to the pickerel. BoiTowed one 
of Buck's inducers^ and fell back to original 
position. Very fine rain in Bridgeport. Lots of 
holes in the cerulean skimmer. Confound the 
pickerel. AVe induced them in vain. Weather 
quite perspiring. Buck gave up in despair. We 
maintained, baited anew, and induced every four 
minutes. Very fine fishing in Factory Pond. 
Rather too fine. How easy it rained upon tlio 
just as well as the unjust. It was a pickerel or 



Picker el- Fisliing in Connecticut. 51i 

two bottles of wine. So we kept inducing, but 
in vain. At last tlie glass columbiad ceased to 
chipper! How natural it is to mourn for de- 
parted spirits. Selah ! ITot another drop — as 
the man said after he w^as hung. The rain fell 
through, but who cares ? The little fat wiggling 
mummy-chubs floated in the tin pail — a pail full 
of triumphant glee of most of fish's character. 
But not a pickerel. Four long hom^s sitting on 
the cold dampness. It was worse nor sparking. 
Nary a bite, nary a pickerel ; but one sucker 
was taken in ! 

"We returned in good order. Got home at 
four o'clock, hungry and dry — considering the 
weather. Buck wanted the wine — we had it. 
Went to room. Felt chilly. Eaw air is rasping 
on fine blood. Drew table beside hot coal stove. 
Drew chair up to table. Pulled a wooden thing 
hitched to a wire. Thought it was a fish-line ! 
Was fun, so we pulled again. Man came up. 
Went down. Came again. Left a glass swan, 



(JO IHclcerel- Fishing in Connecticut. 

witli long neck but Avitli good body. Hot water 
and lumps of sugar. The house grew quiet. '^* ''^' 
It grows quieter. Tlie fluid cvaporetli from 
the transparent prison. The bell-ropo dances a 
jig — munnny-chub at otlier end of it! Very fine 
weather. AV arm weather. Boots come oti' hard. 
Some fellow's head feels buzzy. Ilair aches. 
The ink-stand ain't on the stand — it won't stand 
still two consecutive seconds. Four holes in that 
iidv-stand. The pen has split itself into two 
pens. The lines on this paper run to skirmish 
with each other. The lamp looks like a new 
moon. The stove danceth a jig to invisible 
music. Fine day for spirits. Big day for 
pickerel. Good pickerel — no danger fishing for 
'em — they won't hlte anyhody! Honest pick- 
creler! AVouldn't hooh one for the world. 
Darned pen is sick. Tried to induce it to write. 
Used up all the rye cider inducing. Good pen — 
fine holder, but can't hold-er steady. Nice place 
to fish in is Factory Pond. Can fish there all 



Pickerel-Fishing in Connecticut. 61 

day, just as easy ! Wc see lots of fish now. Sec 
cols in our boots. Nice eels, but very lively. 
Nice boots, with ''eels on 'em. The eminent 
chanticleer who ruled this paper must have been 
cross-eyed, for hang us if the parallels run 
straight. One more enemy in those glass con- 
cern. It concerns us. Spirited enemy. Come 
rest in this chest I It resteth muchly. Hurrah 
for pickerel I New England pickerel ! They 
must have been on a bust to-day. How small 
the bottles are since this cruel war is over, no 
Irish need apply. "Wish those bell rope would 
waltz up this way. Would go and yank it, but 
don't feel well. Then, wc arc no Yankee. 
Tried to reach it. Can't do it. Nice bell rope. 
Little too wild for steady use. Nice country for 
game, when rats run up a man's limbs, and eels 
crawl in his boots for the rest — the rest, ze rest — 
z'rest! Wonder of z'sem pickerelzes ever bite 
za'selves ? Mus' be, for za won't bite us, an we 
induced z'sem with muchness. Three cheers for 



62 PickerelrFishiiig in Connecticut. 

fi — ^fi any man — any Dick-er-in-son or any other 
man. " Darn z'at bell-rope — it ain't in z'e right 
posi — po — pozizhnn ! Connecticut fisherel pick- 
ing z'ra iimburg an' z'o zot hell er' ope! 




CHAPTEE YIII. 




B-0-S-T-0-N-! 

lOSTOlSr is the cradle of Lib ! The place 
where Mr. "Warren fell and hurt him- 
Bclf. The place where Wendell Phil- 
lips, the " silver-tongued " orator, doth abide. It 
is the " hub of the universe," and the dwelling- 
place of the big organ. Boston thinks she is the 
largest place in this world — or the next. Boston 
is a very complacent burg. We rather like Bos- 
ton, for there is no village like unto it, from the 
fiddling of Nero to the Revelation of St. John, 
KB.! 

Half way between Providence and Boston — 



64 B-o-8-t-o-n-! 

for Boston is a, long ways from Providence — as 
we were riding in a car, a still small voice, like 
the whistle of an engine, broke upon the air. A 
gentleman in the seat with ns uncovered his 
bald head, and, with a smile, bade us listen ! 
" What's that ? " said wo. 

" The big organ in Boston 1 " said he, with a 
funeralic wave of liis hand. 

" The devil ! " said we. 

"Thou shalt not profane I" said the spokes- 
man from the hub. 

" Hast been to Boston ? " asked he of the silver 
tongue. 

" We hast notist," replied we, then there to 
him. 

He looked — " poor heathen I " He said w^e 
must visit the Cradle of Liberty. We asked 
him if Fred Douglass and Anna Dickinson had 
engaged that cradle yet? He didn't see it ! Ho 
Bald we must visit Faneuil Hall. We asked him 
what nigger troupe was performing there now? 



B-o-8-t-o-n-! 65 

He looked bewildered. Then he said we must 
see where Warren fell. We asked him if War- 
ren ever got over it — the place where he fell. 
lie appeared demoralized. lie said we must 
liear the big organ before we left Boston. 

We went to hear the big organ. It is held 
in several buildings. It is one size larger than 
Boston. 

Boston is the hub around which the organ 
revolves. 

The organ is a revolver. 

Like the organ, this is a big j)lay on words. 

People in Is^ew York and Buffalo hear the 
moan of the sea. The moan is the big or- 
gan. 

It is used in mass ! 

It has a sort of long island sound ! 

Boston people go to Heaven through the big 
organ. 

That is, when the nigger is out, so they cannot 
go through him. 



GO B-o-s-t-o-n-! 

There are but few gambling-houses in Boston. 
ISo such felloes are around that hub. 

They don't play *' straits " in Boston — not in 
the streets. 

Ilai'vard College is just beyond reach of the 
big organ. 

Cambridge Univei'sity is always in session. It 
is a law school. The pleading is done at the bar 
of the Parker House. 

The studies at Cambridge are said to be very 
dry. They allect the pupils. Pleading at the 
bar affects them, likewise — or more like than 
wise. 

No one ever gets lost in Boston. The city is 
so well organ-izQ.^. Like the big organ, Boston 
has numerous stops 1 Some of the streets are 
neai'ly as long as a fish-pole ; but not so long as 
a Johnson veto message. If a man don't like 
one street in Boston, it is easy to get on another 
one. 

After fom- days' trial we could go from the 



Bo-8-t-o-n-! G7 

Parker Ilouse to the City Hall without getting 
lost! This is a fact. And in five days wo 
learned the route from Scollay's Building to 
Engine Ilouse No. 4. 

The business blocks in Boston are in shape 
like Norwegian shoes ! 

The streets of Boston are like hop-poles struck 
by L'ghtning. Some of them are so wide that a 
cow could be milked in them by turning her on 
her back, and sitting astride her brisket. 

Small horses are driven abreast — large horses 
tandem — in Boston. The fat woman was exliib- 
ited there once — in the big organ. Boston 
streets are not so crooked as they might be. The 
sun has warped them straight. Yery clean in 
Boston. If a lady drops a pin from her clothes, 
policeman makes her pick it up. If a man shoots 
an apple seed out of a grocery, he is fined. Bos- 
ton is very neat — especially near the big organ 
and cradle of liberty. If a man drops a remark, 
he is made to pick it up. And Boston people 



68 JB-os-t-o-n-f 

are so modest. They under-rate themselves ter- 
ribly. 

The streets of Boston must have been thrown 
in at the time of some big fire — they are so 
regular. If you would find any place, start in 
an opposite direction. If you see a policeman 
coming towards you, he is going the other way. 
If he runs from you he'll be where you are in 
no time. Up hill is down, and " over there " 
is "back here." 

One day we started from the office of the 
Boston Post to the Boston post-office, seventy 
feet distant. We walked straight ahead — went 
around seven blocks — saw a policeman standing 
in a door-way on each block — asked each one 
the route to the post-office. Saw the eighth 
policeman, asked him politely. Said he, "Look 
here, this is the eighth time you've asked me 
that question ! Move on, or up you go ! " 

Thought the policemen must be brothers— 
they looked so much alike! Rather than go 



B-O'8't-o-n-! 69 

around the block again we went t'other way, 
began to unwind, and got into the post-oflSce 
by mistake. The front of a building is inside — 
in the courts. 

Except the big organ and the cradle ! 

Ben. Butler spoke, while we were there, on 
the restoration policy. 

Went to his meeting, expecting to see him 
giving back silver- ware and other valuables. 
Was mistaken. That kind of restoration wasn't 
policy ! 

House rents are cheap in Boston. Moving is 
cheaper than house rent. It's all owing to the 
hub, the big organ, and the cradle. 

There is no drinking in Boston. Ko peculiar 
female characters. What is common is not pe- 
culiar. 

New Bedford is to be moved into Boston 
Boon. By legislative enactment, the mumps are 
to be confined to Democrats — the cholera is to 
trouble only foreigners — the chicken-pox is to 



70 B-o-s-t-o-n-l 

be confined to old hens — niggers are to have 
straight hair to disgrace them — and the whites 
are to have curly wool on their craniums to 
make them popular in Boston. ISTot forgetting 
the big organ and the cradle of liberty ! 

N'ew York is in the watch-fob, the South in 
the breeches pocket, and the "West buttons on 
the tail of the coat of Boston. 

The sun rises in Boston. The final conflagra- 
tion of mundane things will begin in Boston, on 
account of the big organ and the cradle ! Bos- 
ton would have been laid out more re2:ularly if 
the dogs of olden times had been pointers, or the 
cows had walked in more direct paths. There- 
fore we may see many calves in Boston. So 
much for tilting hoops ! 

A good place to move from — if one moves 
early. 

From the cradle to the big organ, 
Crookedly, 

"Bkick" Pomeroy. 



CHAPTEE IX. 




How I LOST AURELIA. 

IE still, fond heart and sich, ye're tliinkin' 
^ on her now ! In a little box, this morn- 
ing, old and blood-stained as 'twere 
by time, beside an old Testament, a slate pencil, 
and a little brass finger-ring^ I found a tin top 
and wooden-bottom button, of the real old sort. 
Thirty years since I slung those buttons into 
them box, with a sigh of great size. 

I was bom at an early exclamation point of 
life, of poor but wealthy parents, and grew up 
to boy's estate on such food of love as mush and 
milk, pork and beans (subdued by caloric), 



Y2 How I lost Aurelia, 

chicken pot-pies, harvest apples, young milk — ■ 
not intoxicable — and dreams. Dreams sustained 
me through the night, while the tall pines roar- 
ing without taught me to pine for some one — 
while the butter-nut tree across the road, dan- 
dling imaginary babies in the air, with its long 
limbs or arms, told me plain as tree could talk 
that I'd hutternot live always without some one 
to dandle, and et cetery ! 

Yes ! And so I loved, but knew it not ! With 
my pants on the floor, my jacket thrown on the 
foot of the bed, my hat safely hove into a cor- 
ner of my bedroom, how I dreamed the happy 
hours away till milking time. Ah, me ! I was 
happy then, but not old enough to know it ! 

And I loved. Start not, gentle reader; but 
this is a fact. Aurelia Tillindiast was the 
rose I hummed around. She was three sum- 
mers and somewhere near four winters older 
than I was at that time. But I caught up 
with her! She afterward married, and grew 



How Host Aurelia. 73 

young soon after, and then I got the start of 
her. She had a father at the time I loved 
her, and before, too, for all I know. I said 
she was older. So she was. She was born 
of poor .but wealthy parents ; but the poor pre- 
dominated to a severe muchness. She was 
part French — from Dublin. She was large. 
There was no other girl on the creek. Oh ! 
I loved her as the deep blue tree loves the 
morning air; as the trout loves the briny 
deep; as the dog loves its midnight bark; 
as the infants 

On their mother's knee 

Drink and love their catnip tea, 

So I did love my Au-ril-ye! 

The only child of Tillinghas— t 

And his wife! My folks said it was wrong; 

but love knew better. It wasn't much of a 

catch for either of us ; but 'twas the best we 

could do! My folks didn't favor the alliance. 

Aurelia's derivatives, seeing in my little gait, 
4 



74: How Ilost Aurelia. 

in my sparkling eyes, light hair, and love for 
sass, much to admire, as it betokened genius, 
was willing. 

So I used to run away, ^nq miles through the 
woods, to see her who was so dear to me. And 
she used to ^s. up. I went six nights in the 
week. Every night Aurelia did wash her feet, 
and slip on her cowhide slippers. They looked 
red like, but 'twas all right, for pride is abom- 
inable. And being economical, Aurelia did not 
wear hose. IS^ature unadorned is adorned the 
most. And her hair! A very gentle mauve, 
without spot or blemish. Pure as the life of 
John Brown, straight as the mountain ash ! 
Her face was — well it was all face — and her 
breath was like new-blown hay. Ah, how I loved 
her ; who could help it ! There was no more Au- 
relias within sixteen miles, for honest men with 
little girls in their families had not discovered 
the beauties of our woodland place of residence ! 

Am-elia's father liked the idea of wedlock 



How I lost Atirdia. 75 

concerning us. Aurelia had experienced twenty- 
two seasons of severe existence. Her father 
was a primitive artist, and played the march of 
civilization on the monarchs of the forest. He 
reaped the rich reward of twelve dollars a month 
and board for this pastime. My derivative was 
his employer. Hence the position ! Aurelia 
had much appetite, and was expensive in this 
branch of education. Hence the desire. Dry- 
goods were expensive, and Aurelia's father being 
like his daughter, a little fat, had great difficulty 
in making both ends meet. Hence the ambition 
of the Tillinghasts. 

My father was more wealthier. He could 
brandish a watch on the Sabbath, slung from a 
genuine silk cord. And he had a satin vest, sev- 
enteen years old. And he had a pair of boots 
for Sabbath wear. And one griddle of the stove 
was always removed to furnish the wherewithal 
to polish those boots. I had to polish them. 
Hence my polish air and polished manner. 



76 Iloir / lost A urclia. 

Kvery Sunday, nt two o'clock, tlio Btago cnmo 
into tho BcKloiiuMii. bov(mi milo^A up tlio crock. 
Thcro >vcro (wo lu>rscs to that, siai;"c, and at, least 
once a nu»nlh it had a pasBenjrer. C^nco it had 
two |>ass(Mijj!;crs a uiai\ aud doiJ^. 'V\w uiau rodo 
on the scat with the driver; the doi;' ran behind. 
That Mas a big day for Socly Cnn^k. J\Iy lather 
often Bpoko k^^ it. lie luul been to tlu^ settlement 
every Suiulay lor tour years. lie was sick one 
day. 'Twas on that day the stai^^e had two ]>as- 
pengiM's. l'\ntlun* said it was just his luck. Tho 
}>eople th(M't^ talked about tlu^ sta^-e for ii lonj:; 
time. It waited an hour till lather could arrive, 
but ho didn't come. 11 (^ was sick. He heard (^i 
it, and felt bad, but all the neii!;hbors told him oi 
it. And Tillinixhnst always went to tlio settle- 
ment with him. They used to talk about my 
nuirria^ijo with Aurelia, Tillinghast wont to tho 
pcttlemont tluit Sunday, as usual, and he, a poorer 
man than my father, eaw tho ptago come in ! 
My father did not sec tho stage come in, and tlio 



How I lost Aurelia. 77 

idea that Tillingliast did see it, created a coolness 
between them (even in July) they did not get 
over till January. 

My father was a proud man — as he should 
have been, having such a son. So he told Til- 
linghast the match should be broken oft*. My 
father was a tall man, six feet four. Tillinghast 
was a little fat cuss, four feet six. Tliey used to 
look up and down at each other. And that was 
tlie long and tlie short of it. The proposed wed- 
lock was delayed. Tillinghast made ofters. lie 
offered to settle lots of property on his daughter. 
lie, too, was proud, and eager for the fray — so to 
speak. I was tall, like my masculhie derivative. 
Aurelia, like a dutiful girl, patterned after lier 
papa. Filial affection is commendable, so I 
commcndabled Aurelia. And everybody wants 
to marry in a high family. 

But the stage afiair damed the stream of 
neighborly afiection existing between our pater- 
nalfl. Tillinghast was to blame — he said so. He 



78 How Host Aurelia, 

offered to give Aurelia, on her wedding, a skillet 
without a handle ; a half-dozen new sap troughs ; 
a pair of red stockings, which should come to 
within an inch of her dress ; a new splint broom ; 
a wooden pancake turner, made out of water- 
beech, so that its natural limber would flap the 
cakes nicely ; a top-knot hen ; a wooden scoop- 
shovel, in which to take up dirt from the 
kitchen ; a pair of his old pants to begin a rag 
carpet with, and a new fine-comb, left there by 
a pedler the year before in payment for supper, 
lodging, and breaktast for himself, horse, and 
wagon I 

Father consented, and hoAv happy I was ! 
Hastened I to Aurelia and told her the news. 
We two turtle-doves sat on the edge of the 
spring, and paddled our feet in its limpid waters 
by moonlight, for hours. I never had kissed her 
before, for it is wrong to kiss girls — before you 
kiss them! But that night, how I went for 
kisses. We smacked and smacked, till the owls 




" We two turtle doves sat on the edge of the spring and 
paddled our feet in its Hmpid waters by moonhght for 
hours. I had never kissed her before." — Page 78. 



How Ilost Av/reUa. 79 

hooted in fear. And 1 Imgged Aurelia ever bo 
mnclily. We Blipped into tlie npring, and hug- 
ged each other then ; tliiit was tlic iirnt Anrolia 
ever knew of a waterfall ; Init it didn't iruiko 
Iier proud. 

* •>«• * * At hiBt a new fitage- 
routc was put on. It led by Aurelia'B liouse. 
Her fatlier'B liouse did not have many mansionB, 
hut it was enlarged and made a stage house. 
And the stage stopped there over night. And 
that accomplished stage-driver was a mean cubs I 
I thought it then ; I think it now. He was not 
handsome, like myself; but lordy, how he could 
crack a whip 1 Early in the morning he would 
get on a stump by the barn and snap that long 
whip till the hens and roosters would cackle* for 
two hours! Aurelia's parents thought 'twas I 
kissin' Aurelia, but 'twan't ! 

And all this a heavy novelty was to that sweet 
little one. She had never experienced bo much 
happiness previous. It was a new thing. Like 



80 How I lost Auvelia, 

BOino other people, new things proved to be her 
best game I And the whipper-snapper of a 
stage driver brouglit hor candy all the way 
from Eliuira, then called by the name of New- 
town. Anil he did keep his hair greased I And 
essence of cimianion bronght he for those 
luanve-coniplexioned tresses, and essence of 
peppennint for her breath. He was an extrav- 
agant stagist! And it was by thns the serpent 
^.'t^ that gay fellow's love stole into my temple, 
I tlunight him all-fired lunnbly. I often in- 
formed Anrelia to this end, bnt she conld not 
discern it. Ue nsed to kiss her, and hug her, 
and I knew it. And slio liked it! But what 
could I do? Anrelia was the first born I I 
bought a whip, and had a big snapper put on it, 
and nearly cut my ears off in the endeavor to 
crack it as fiercely as did Johiel, for that was 
liis nauio. But 'twas no use ; the business 
was new, the snapper wouldn't snap, and Jehiel 
beat me ! 



How IloHt Aurelia. 81 

The niglit \vc sat on the edge of the spring 
and hugged ourselves into it, I wanted to bo 
liberal. I had nothing, so I gave Aurelia a 
button from my trowserloons. I had no knife 
to cut it off, so Aurelia chawed it off. And I 
took some of her hair, made a little string from 
it, and hung it around her neck. It was a 
charm with Aurelia's charms. Slic wore it 
near her heart. I was hapj)y when she wore 
it, and often wished I was a little button with 
a tin top and wooden bottom, so I could hang 
around Aurelia's neck. 

When the stage stopped at Tillinghast's ho 
spruced up. He had my father then where the 
hair was short, and their affection took another 
cold. My father took a rheumatism in his 
limbs, and couldn't walk to the settlement, as 
he once could, to see the stage come in. So he 
went to walk down to the corner where Aurelia 
lived, to see it come in. Seeing stage come in 



4* 



82 How I lost Aurelia. 

was one of his best holts. And he used to ad 
mire Jehiel, who was the greatest whip-snapper 
in that county. He took pi-ide in it. I grew 
to hate my father because he spoke well of 
Jehiel. Not of him, but of his whip-snapping. 
I felt bad and out in the hemlock pined to a 
shadow. 

* * * One day father come home. 
He handed me something tied up in a little 
piece of dirty cloth. I opened it. It was the 
button now before me. A simple button, but 
it did a tale unfold which rang in my ears 
worse than ever did Jehiel's whip I It bore 
the marks of Aurelia's teeth, where once,. in 
maiden meditation, she had squoze a tooth in 
it, while chawing it off I It was a simple tin- 
top wooden-bottom button, but I hated it, and 
stamped it to the earth. Four little tears stood 
in the eyes of the button as it lay pressed in 
the moist earth. I took it up carefully, and 



How Host Aicrelia, 83 

laid it away, as I would Aurelia, and it has 
never been looked at till now. And I grew 
up to be 

"Bkick" Pomeroy. 

P. S. — Aurelia got married, and her Jeliiel 
is still stage-driving. " B." P. 






CHAPTER X. 

The Dog-Gondest Dog. 

URN the dorg! There goes a three-by- 
five feet pane of plate-glass out of a 
door, and there goes the cussedest and 
wnssedest piece of excitable canine we ever 
saw! Four years ago, the day after a chap 
on the cars had the upper end of his snoot 
punched for calling us a traitor, Po. Hatcher 
gave us that red and brindle batch of dog, then 
done up small like, but looking so buU-dogish 
that we were afraid of his picture for a week ! 
Po. said he was an Alabama bull-dog, im- 



The Dog-Gaidest Dog. 85 

ported from ISTew Jersey in a basket, as a 
sample of the handsome of that country. But 
lie was a pretty purp. His tail was no longer 
than a wicked man's prayer, and was full as 
stunin'I And those ears! They looked like 
a small corner of plug tobacco! And such 
eyes ! And such eyebrows ! When he was but a 
child, so-called, some monster must have slung 
him head-first against a stone wall! His jaws 
were pretty jaws. They were so severe in 
their angles. There was so much jaw in pro- 
portion to the purp, that we wanted to call 
him Swisshelm; but he wan't that kind of a 
pet! But he was nigh onto all jaw! 

We kept him four weeks in the sanctum, 
and all that time hired a nigger to watch him. 
He'd steal — steal is no name for it! And he 
kept that nigger mighty busy watching him, 
till at last the nigger, being such a smart, mim- 
icky, educationable cuss, got so much worse 
nor the dog, that we kept the dog to watch 



80 The J)og-Gond€St Bog. 

tho iui2:o:orl Epui, wnu't it Ji lull team ^ 
Strange how niggoi-t* will loarn lliini:!:^^! 

And ho was tho hiing-riost doi2j wo ever saw! 
A ponnywovth of boot' didn't last him as loni:;; 
as a tou-dolhu* bill would a Democrat the night 
before ejection, lie had a lino voice for beef. 
And what tho dog would not cat, the nigger 
would ! And tho dog grew largo, and ponderous 
about tho jaws. Ko usotl to oat paper, books, 
mats, vests, old hats, gloves, patont-loathcr boots, 
window curtains, and sich. lie ate such stuff for 
dessert. That dog ate a full calt-bomul sot of 
Harper's AVookly one day, just on account oi the 
call'. And he ate ten copies oi tho Chicago 'Tri- 
bune one day, but tho lie in thom papers made 
him so dog-goned sick all that week that he 
would have died if the nigger in 'em hadn't 
emeticked 'em out, and so he got well ! But ho 
never pined himself to a shadow haukeriug after 
Ivopublicau nowspapei*s any luore. And he kept 
on stealing. AVo alwaA-a thought tliem Kepubli- 



The Dofj-Oondefsfj Dog. 87 

can newBpapers aided the development of tliat 
complaint, for he was sure to steal all the nigger 
earned for ub. 

He'd walk out on a rainy day for his health, 
and always came back with something he'd 
pmnd. Once it was a lady's veil. Then it was 
half a ham, with a hutchcr-knife sticking in it. 
What he wanted to bring the knife with him 
for is more than we know, unless he had to cut 
and run ! One day he came in with a baby's 
cradle. There was some blood on the edge of 
it, and all that afternoon tlie bell-man was out 
ringing a boll and yelling, "Boy lost!" John 
Jjrown didn't go out for two or three days I 

Once he came in with a wooden log in his 
teeth. That night a wooden-legged soldier was 
missing ; but as crippled soldiers were of no ac- 
count, he didn't try to keep shy a bit. He 
brought us the leg, no doubt thinking it the 
kind of club we like for the La Crosse Demo- 
crat. And he used to steal money! He'd go 



88 The Dog-Gonde^t Dog, 

into a store and snatch greenbacks out of a cash 
drawer, just as handy ! 

One day he came in with a contribution box 
lie'd stolen from the entry-way of a close com- 
munion church. He carried the box behind the 
end of the sideboard, broke it open — and looked 
sick! John Brown never stole a contribution 
box again ; and after that, when we'd point to 
that box, and smile, he'd drop his tail — wdiat 
there was of it — and look mean enough. And 
he'd steal haltei*s, bridles, saddles, and such stuff. 
And as he grew older, he'd actually unhitch a 
horse and lead him across the line into Minne- 
sota. When any one would call out, *' John 
Brown," he'd go for a horse, sure. And so we 
had to change his name. 

What to call the cuss we didn't know. But 
as he had chawed up so many books, and was 
always meddling with what was none of his 
business, and grew to be sort of dogmatic, and 
radical about his bloody jaws, we left off calling 



The Dog-Oondeat Dog. 89 

him Jolin Brown, and called him Sumner. For 
a while he seemed to like it. He was a ambi- 
tious dorg, and to keep his name good, meddled 
with BO much that was none of his business 
that at last he got a dog-goned caning, which so 
affected his backbone that we had to send for 
Anna Dickinson. After she strengthened ui> his 
spinal vertebrge, he howled and ranted around 
so we had to change his name again. 

So well called him Curtiss. And that seemed 
to please him mightily. He'd stand on his hind 
legs before a glass, poke the hair out of his eyes, 
and when he went out doors he strutted about as 
though he was going to fight a Pea Eidge bat- 
tle I And what notice he'd take of mules ! He 
fell in love with mules ! He became enamored of 
mules, and often would lead them to the out- 
skirts of the city and hide them in the bushes. 
And he grew into such a taste for cotton. Never 
saw a dog so fond of cotton. In fact, he had such 
a love for cotton that 'twan't safe to let him 



90 The Dog-Oondest Dog. 

walk on the street, nor stay in tlie sanctum, nol 
go to any place, so we called liim Sigel. That 
bothered him. He had a tough time of it. Gra- 
cious, how he'd twist his jaws and bark! And 
he loved to get into a dog fight, too. He'd whip 
any dog in the city. But it took so long to get 
him in a fight, that he was useless. You see 
when we wanted him to fight one dog, we'd set 
him to fight another one, and then he'd back 
into the t'other one, then fight his way out! 
But it took so long to learn his style ; and then 
'twan't always convenient to get up two fights, 
so we changed his name again. 

He grew beautiful each day. In fact, he was 
a handsome cuss ! And folks took so much 
notice of him he forgot he was nothing but a 
poor dog, and he acted so that we thought best 
to call him Butler. 

You never saw such a change come over a 
dog. He grew cunninger and cunninger every 
day. He'd go to butcher shops, rub his paws on 



The Dog- Gondest JDog. 91 

the carcass of a dead beef, and come homo to 
make us believe he'd been fighting. And as he 
growled so when he came, and never had any 
cuts or wounds on him, we thought he was get- 
ting to be terribly brave. But at last we found 
him out. And how that dog would strut ! And 
he grew mean. He'd drive small dogs away 
from their bones, and got to chasing kittens to 
some point out of harm's way. And he'd snap 
and snarl at women — always insulting them. 
And he had half-a-dozen pups he'd picked up 
around the city, as mean but not as smart as he ; 
and these pups would chase poor girls into some 
comer where he would scowl, bark at, and then, 
after rubbing his dirty nose over them, leave 
them with some wound on them. But when he 
heard a gun, Lord bless you, how he'd run, and 
Ijold his tail close between his legs ! We had lots 
of trouble with him. When he saw a church, 
he wanted to go in and steal something. And 
when he saw a telegraph report in the office, he 



1)2 The Bog-Oondest Dog. 

looked as if lie wanted to change it Bonio way. 
The only tliini}; he was fit for was to watch jew- 
elry Btorcs! Let that dop^ go by a show-window 
where there would bo some silver-ware, and he\i 
stand around there all day. And he'd look into 
store windows, and break into churches to look 
at the comninnion plate. And he'd follow a 
funeral for miles, if there was a silver plate on 
the cotHn. Most folks thought ho was alwap 
one of the mourners. But when we found that 
the graves wore dug into, and one day saw his 
kennel filled with silver plates, screws, etc., 
gnawed from cotlin-lids, we knew what a vehe- 
ment nunirner l>utler was. K funeral procession 
just passed the door — and that is what the dog- 
goned dog went out for so quick I 

If anybody wants a red and brindle, square- 
jawed pet of this kind, whose keeping will not 
amount to over tive or six hundred dollars a 
mouth, mdess wo have to pay for his stealings, 
we\l like to sell him. lie is a sweet pet — just 



The Dog-Gondest Dog. 93 

such a pui-p as some poor man who is not able 
to buy a window-curtain or a book for his wife 
to read, would want. lie can cat a horse and 
chase the rider up a tree any day, and were it 
not for his peculiarities, would be a fine dog. 
Ile'II eat anything, from an inkstand to a linen 
night-shirt — from a pound of candles to a baby 
— from a magazine to an india-rubber boat, and 
grows more handsome every day he lives. We'll 
sell him cheap. For particulars address, with 
revenue stamp to prepay return postage on the 
dog, which is such a handy thing to have about 
yours most dog-goncd truly, 

"Brick" Pomerot. 



CHAPTER XI. 



Peter Oleum struck by "Brick. 



PETEOLEUM ! You are the Pete for 
l^^^w ^®- -^^^^ why! Mr. Moseg smote the 
tr^^^ rock, and water gushed forth, first; I 
smote its rock, and exceeding much of oil 
trickled forth. And I am rich oilso. To find 
such much of a greace, doth well a-grease with 
me. I skirmished from garret upon oil region. 
Ever since I became born, my poverty has been 
hard to be borne ! I have suffered — I have been 
bored by creditors ! My credit was run into the 
ground. People thought me rich, meanwhile, 
and a very meanwhile it was, too ! They 



Peter Oleum struck hy ''Bricks 95 

tlionght I had plenty of money ; so they wanted 
pay down for what I bought. I^ot wishing to 
humor people, albeit something of a humorous, 
perhaps I would not purchase many things. I 
leased, I bored, I brought it ! Yeni, vidi, vici ! 
Oili-ile-si-greased. Oils well that ends well; 
especially if it is an oil well! I bored, and it 
came. I drilled a hole through a rock; and 
oilready have been rewarded with so much of 
the fuel being prepared for the final conflagra- 
tion, that I fear the last boil will end in as great 
a fizzle as did the Dutch Gap Canal. 

And now I am rich — more rich than any man, 
or any other man. I have lots of money now, 
when I have no use for it. "What a queer world ! 
Nothing like oil ! Folks say, " Hallo, here's 
Hon. Mr. Brick just struck a fortune. Deuced 
fine fellow, Mr. Brick ! " Three months since 
I was plain " Brick." It oil owing to Petro- 
leum. 

And now for a splurge. Brown stone house 



96 Pdcr Olatni struck hy '^Bricl-r 

ou Fiftli avenue, with brown stono front, de- 
signed by old Brown himself, on both ends of it. 
Red horses with green tails, pink eyebrows, bine 
oai-s, chocolate-colored eyes, frizzled mane, and 
matchless stylo. Yellow wagon with black sides, 
purple blinds, and brown top, a hi clam shell. 
Ethiopian driver with white kids, solferino stock- 
ings, magenta hat band, and false teeth on gutta- 
purcha base. And a sixty-four ox-stave ethio- 
piauo, with brocatelle drawers, that modesty may 
not be shocked by looking at the legs thereof. 
And a library devoted to red-backs, yellow- 
backs, brown-backs, maroon-backs, and even 
" greenbacks ! '' Darn the expense, quothes I ! 
And I'll have a park in the woodshed, and a 
bathing-tub full of the oil in church, and a wild 
buffalo to cut steak from, and oysters as large as 
Lincoln's majority, and boots with round toes 
and square heels, and a seat in some fashionable 
chm'ch, and new hoop-skirts for all my hired girls, 
and I will employ so many niggers to wait on 



Peter Oleum struck ly '-'' Brick.^'' 07 

me, that oil I'le have to do will bo to be happy. 
Oh, Pete ! let me kiss you for your Ma ! And 
I'll lay a-bed mornings, and I'll sit up oil night, 
and bore my friends oil day, till they can't bare-1 
it ! Talk about honest industry, sawing wood 
for the dust, opening oysters for the shells, black- 
ing boots merely to sec your face in tlicm, and 
being honest forty years waiting for some rich 
man to adopt you ! Playea ! Petroleum is the 
boy. And now I'll live high. Out of the 
house, vain pomp ! Away from me, cold cuts, 
crackers, cheese, mush boiled, No. 5 mackerel, 
warmed-up soup, and brilliant appetites ! I've 
struck Pete I 

l^ow, when I go on the street, folks run to tlie 
window and smile. And they smile at me on 
the street. And they ask me to smile in Ginuel 
Cock Tail's house. And they all have a kind 
word ! O, Pete ! You're the A)leum for me ! 
Things in my limited kingdom isn't as they use 
to once was ! Farewell, ragged habiliments ! 



98 Pdcr Oleum stnid' hy 'rBrick:' 

Good-by, hungry stouuieli ! Oil lliver, cold 
6hoiildoi*s ! It's oil right, now. Ten year^ ago, 
Buggins wouldn't speak to mo, "cause I was not 
well, fmancially speaking. Buggins is now as 
cordial as horse-radish or hot whiskey. And 
when I would wedlock those rich girl, who so 
sweetly was unto nie, her eruel }Kn*ients said, 
"Oh, poor hut honest youth, entice thyself 
hence ! " And I enticed — nobody ! Now, those 
girl, and those cruel parients wish nio to call. 
How are you, bettered circunistanees ? It is good 
to remember oil these things ! And the time 
dwells in those loud recollections of mine, as 
liow I was not wanted at fashionable parties. 
Now the doors tly wide, and ebony angels of 
shoddy swing the panels for me to enter and 
revel. O Pete ! you're oil right, my boy ! 

Money ! More than would wad a columbiad ! 
Everybody is "^kig to trust me, now. I have 
no need for credit. Eich folks are deuced glad 
to see me. They bow very low to me, now. 



Peter Oleum struclc hy '''■Brichy 99 

They didn't once. Great is Peter Oleum, and 
boring is its profit ! Just to think of it. How I 
used to once dig potatoes on shares — turn grind- 
stones for fun — milked cows for the buttermilk — 
cotton strings for suspenders — boss's old boots or 
freeze toes — hired man's hat or get tanned — 
second table or not at all — " dirty-fingered type- 
sticker," or poor mechanic — go afoot or stay be- 
hind! Oil is p, dream now. Stare, hilarious 
days, for poverty are over, and shoddy is, indeed, 
envious ! 

Guess I can kiss Matilda Jerusha, now, and 
her dad won't object, for I've struck ile ! 
Reckon tailor will have time to make those 
raiments for I this week. Think landlord won't 
insist upon moving out of his abode. Things 
is working now. Another vein is opened ! And 
you don't know how nice it is. If I go on a 
"bum," folks look over it, now. When I was 
poor, they looked into it. I can kick boot- 
blacks, snub poor people, break car windows, 



100 Peter Oleum strucJc hy "Bricks 

tlirow goblets at waiters, hurrah for any man I 
like, wink at whose wife I wish to, tie my team 
to shade trees, stand on church cushions with 
dirty feet, jam people's hats down over their 
eyes, tell a man he is a liar, spit on the cai*pet, 
get drunk or sober, swear or not, as I please, 
and its oil right, for I've struck Pete ! And 1 
can sit up oil night, and raise much h— armony. 
ITo one objects. Mrs. Stiggings says I is tho 
nicerest man she ever sawed. Mrs. Piggerly 
says I is the most delightingest gentlemen she 
ever knoAved. The Stiggins and Piggerly girls 
say I am mostly exquisitious ! It's oil on 
account of Peter Oleum, who has lately come 
to see me. 

And I'm " on it," now. Have left my meas- 
m*e for a set of diamonds the size of a coal bed. 
And I have ordered silk shirts, satin stockings, 
more antique elastics, and a gold sha^-ing-cup. 
And I'll have a guitar, harp, organ, piano, and 
tinkling cymbal in the house, oiled with petro- 



Peter OUv/m etriiclc ly '^Bricky 101 

leum, so they will play easy. And my liair^ 
my whiskers, my pocket-handkerchiefs, my big 
clothes and my little clothes, shall bask in a 
barrel of petroleum while I sleep. O Pete, 
I'm fixed at last ! I'll found a church, or founder 
a horse. I'll buy a horse-railroad, and run it 
with petroleum; hire religious editors to puff 
me into Christianity; buy a nomination for a 
fat office, and become as stiff as oil-boiled silk. 
Go away, poverty, I am wearied of your ca- 
resses ! You have a large society, but I don't ap- 
preciate your grip. Your by-laws are right, but 
against my constitution. JSTow I can give advice, 
and it will be heeded. It's nice to have struck 
ile — one has so many more friends than he ever 
thought for, and people take such an interest 
in you. I can go on 'Change, buy a few thou- 
sand shares on call, sell gold, long or short, deal 
in stocks at buyer's option, have a private box 
at the opera, shake hands with old Mr. ISTabob, 
and sing what tune I please. Yoimg man, bore 



102 Peter Oleum struck hy '^BrickP 

for oil ! Strike Pete, and be happy ! Cause 
the earth to gush into your lap, and beauty 
will gush oil over thee. Strike oil and be 
great ! 

The question once was, who inflicted a blow 
under the auricular of "William Patterson. Fare- 
well, Pat ! The interrogation now is : " Who 
struke Pete?" IVe struck liim, and once more 
am happy. If society wants to come forward 
and take a new brother's hand, society can now 
do it. If young ladies of fashion wish to carry 
me sweetly once ere I become die, they will 
please step forward, and not rumple my clothes ! 
If any seeker after notoriety wishes to kiss me 
for the Sanitary, they can now do it, and one of 
my niggers shall hold the stakes. I've struck 
Pete, and the result is much gorgeousness of ap- 
parel — ^many good things heretofore known to 
me only by observation. 

I would not be a poor man — 
I would not if I could — 



Peter Oleum si/ruck hy ^''BrickP 103 

But I need not fret about it, 
For I could not if I would, 

while the earth divulges its hidden secrets into 
my lap at the rate of three liundred barrels. 
Its oil right, now. Once I was merely a bore. 
Now I am a successful borer, and my troubles 
have been drowned in oil by the genius of suc- 
cess — Peter Oleum. Oilways thine, 

"Brick" Pomeeoy. 



CHAPTER XII. 
Teutonic Aivouisii. 

FEW years since the country remem- 
^6^ bers that a steamer, the Zady Elgin^ 
'^^^^^^ was lost on the trip from Chicago to 
Milwaukee, and about three hundred persons on 
board were drowned. The first report was that 
all had perished; but several escaped and re- 
turned to their homes, after an absence of from 
one to three days. There lived at Milwaukee, 
at that time, a burly German, named Triheister 
Dotswinger, who rejoiced in a three-cornered 
lager-beer saloon, an eight-square vrouw, and an 
oval-fiiced cherub of eighteen summers, boy 



Teutonic Anguish. 105 

by nature, Schneider Dotswinger by name, and 
graceful as a young bologna-sausage in all its 
pristine bloom. 

Scbneider coaxed his two derivatives to go on 
the ill-fated steamer. News came that she was 
lost. The anguish-stricken Teuton, in a parox- 
ysm of grief, called on us in the editorial rooms, 
to inquire about his boy. We told him — as we 
were informed — that all were lost, and of course 
his boy was a goner. He seated liimself on a 
pile of books, and thus held forth : 

" Mein Gott ! mcin Gott ! Mr. Bumroy ! 'tis 

always shust so as it never vash since it vash bo, 

und I knows em I I have so mooch droobles dis 

day as never vash since I make start mit mine 

lager peer grocery. It is shust so all der time, 

and I feels so pad all down here mit mine pelly ! 

Lut us go und make some laerg peer drink, und 

I dells you pout dat Schneider vot shust now 

lost me in ter Lady Ilelshin ! " 

We accompanied the grief-stricken one to a 
5* 



106 Teuton ic A7}gu IsJi. 

Baloon wlicro lnc:cr ^va^; lu^ld ibrtli, and over a 
glass of tlio bovoratjjo ho thus contiiuicd: 

"l^ow, Mr. l^iniroy, mine lioart bo ans ka 
Bpiolt (played out). 1 make so mooch loves vor 
dat l^^chneider as vot no man never makes for hfs 
poy. IVo had so nioocli drooblos mil- him, doo. 
Veil ho v;us un line VwWv. ]>(>y, fat, slnist like un 
leedlc pip^, he had K) mooch Avorms asli no ])oy 
never had, and it dako;^ more as z-whh barrels of 
goot lager })eer to get dat poy out of tier worms. 
2\ike sonic in()}rj)ecry Mr. />uf/)j'Oj/ / 

*'ITnd den, mine friend, lie makes take der 
leedlo meesels, and gO(unes out all over in nn 
solid leedle sphots, shust like uu papy vot is so 
freckled as never vasli ; nnd it cost mo more as 
doo toUars to get dat Schneider away from dem 
shpecklos. Und I nnikes play mit hiui on der 
vloor iiud have such fun shpankin him as never 
vasli, imd den he makes mooch grow und goes out 
tor door von he vants too, shust like no pody, so 
it does his poor i'adder's heart so mooch gc^ot to 



Teutonic Anguisk. 107 

vatcli him ash you nov(;r naw 1 Take sorrt/i more 
jjeer^ Mr. Bumroy I 

*' UruJ den lio iriako ^row Hlm.st like notlnks. 
Und ho gets 8o pig in \m Jeedlc Bthumacli like hia 
fadder I lie vaB Bhust Buch a i)oy aHli never vash. 
Und he inakoB hirnBelf grow pig, und ho drinks 
80 much lager peer as liis fadder, und is so much 
lielj) in mine grocery. JI(i (h-aws peer bo goot as 
I does, und I sitB all ter dime seeing Schneider 
draw peer, und I smokes mine l^ipe to Bliloep all 
ter viles I Und now I feels so pad down jiere I 
Take some more peer^ Mynheer Bicmroy I 

" Und now dat Schneider vas gone make him- 
Belf drown on dor Lady llelshin ! IIo vosh so 
goot poy as never vash, and I must make myself 
get unodder little Schneider shnst like him. 1 
dell you, Myidieer i>umroy, I never make my- 
self veel BO ];ad since dat boy vas notink ! " 

JuBt then tlie door oj>ened, and in came 
Schneider, a living witness fresh from the 
disaster, brought up ])y Dennison on th(; carR. 



108 Teutonic Angmsh. 

" Oh, mein Gott ! lie.^e goomes dat Schneider ! " 
Jumping np. " Oh, Schneider, you tainm rascal ! 
Kiss your ladder I Goom to your poor ladder's 
arms ! " They embrace. " Now take some 
lager peer mit your ladder. Go kiss your mud- 
der, you tamm rascal ! Here, kiss your ladder, 
you tamm rascal, vot drowns der Lady Helshin ! 
Und you tamm rascal, ven next you goes mit der 
Lady Helshin to ride, you sthay here und sell 
lager peer, and lets your poor ladder go have 
funs not hy a tamm sight ! Oh, mein Gott ! how 
I makes love dat poy ! I'd r adder find fifty 
tollars in gold as drown him mit ter steam- 
boat!" 




CHAPTER XIII. 



" Brick " and the Deacon's IIexa. 

^^i^EACON BRIGHTWATEE lived in 
*^^ New Hartford, Nutmeg State. He 
had a red house, a red horse, a red 
barn, red fence, a red cow, red window sash, an 
old-fashioned red sleigh, a red smok^-house, red 
hogs, little red eyes, and a red nose — the very- 
picture of a New England Puritan. He had a 
wife who wore a red petticoat, and had the 
readiest tongue a woman ever fired at us. He 
had some little ready money, got by making 
cider brandy from stolen apples, and taking toll 
Irom the copper-spattered contribution saucer he 



110 '^ Brick " arid the Deacon^ Hexa. 

passed in the red eliurcli in that settlement of 
Simday beans, week-day onions, and orthodox 
views. 

And he had a female child, whose name w^as 
Hexa Brightwater, and who was twenty-nine 
years old ; wore red stocldngs, red garters, metal- 
tipped shoes, green spectacles, and the prettiest 
red hair the world ever set eyes on or into. 
Hexa, a trne JSTew England gal, chewed wads of 
pine gum, and sweetened her breath with onions. 
Hexa wasn't so much handsomer than a doll as 
to make the doll faint ; but she was intelligent. 
In fact, intelligence was her best hold, but one ; 
she was great on making baby garments, and had 
two trunks full packed away, that she might be 
ready as williug when the evil hour drew nigh, 
as she trusted it would, from year to year. 

My father was a common sort of a rooster, and 
lived outside of the drippings of JSTew England 
blessings. He was taught that in no other place 
could there be found women of intelligence, and 



^''Brich^^ and the Beacori^s Ilexa. Ill 

be sent me there to Unci a loving lass, to court 
some intelligent beauty, to woo some refined 
nutmeggress, and witli her return to my rural 
bome to astonish the barbarians with something 
beyond the average of female loveliness. 

I went to the Land of Steady Habits. I 
wanted to hand several " Bricks " down to pos- 
terity, and was told by father that with a 
New England girl for a wife I could raise more 
children, grow more onions, skin more eels, sing 
more psahns, know more of what was going on 
in the neighborhood, hear more scandal, sleep 
less nights, have more relatives, eat more beans, 
love myself and hate others more, and get more 
out of a dollar, than with any other sort of a 
woman in this happy country, so-called. 

Deacon Brightwater, with his bright red nose, 
was a cunning man. He was a New England 
Christian. He crowded nineteen eggs under a 
fourteen-egg hen, always borrowing the five odd 
eggs ! He smelt of peoples' breath to see if they 



112 ^^JBricJc^^ and iJie Deacon's Uexa. 

had been drinking liquor, and then made a few 
stamps, as a Connecticut Good Templar spy, by 
informing against tliem. lie didn't drink him- 
self, but got his nose tinted by holding it so 
close to the mouths of those who did ! lie split 
matches to make them last longer, llo'd pick 
lip hen's heads to boil them for the fat thereon. 
He'd take a claw-hammer, when he went visiting, 
to draw tacks from ciu'pets when unseen. IIo 
made cider-brandy, and made it on shares. lie 
was always trying to swap horses, but never 
could find one that worked well on his machine ; 
so he tried each one until noon, and sent them 
home hungry ! He was a careful, prudent, 
whole-souled, liberal, spontaneous edition of be- 
nevolence, who gave his hogs' tails and rams' 
horns to the poor, and made prayers longer than 
the sweep of his cider mill, but, like that instru- 
ment, alwa}^ pointed down. 

Ilexa Bright water never had a beau till I 
visited her. She was too intelligent for the 



'^Briclc^'* and tJte Deacon^ 8 Jlexa. 113 

common herd. She knew everything. She 
could tell how long a wad of gum would last, 
how much a Southerner made from a nigger, 
how many duck egg^ would hatch under a two- 
year-old pullet, and when beans were fit to 
bake. She was one of those higher sphere 
beings, who could do no wrong ; who could not 
endure those who did. 

How I did spark Hexa I Deacon Brightwater 
heard that I had wealth, and he was willing. 
He'd go to bed early. He'd play snore so Hexa 
and I would hurry up. Mrs. Deacon Bright- 
water went to sleep, too. She crawled in beside 
the deacon — front side. Their bedroom door 
was always shut by particular request of Hexa. 
She knew why it should be closed. I used to 
hear a footfall on the bedroom floor. I mis- 
trusted Hexa's mother used to watch at the 
key-hole. She could see where Hexa and I 
sat to squeeze each other's hands, eat candy, 
and taste of each other's lips. I didn't like to 



114 ''Brick " ajul the Deacons Ilexa. 

have lier do tliis. So one niglit, when I mis- 
trusted, I shpped up beside the door and jabbed 
a wire into tlie key-hole. It was a long wire. 
I heai'd somebody squeal inside. She died be- 
fore morning from the effects of that playful, 
Puritanical jab ! That wire cured the key-hole 
disease. It opened the old lady's eye! The 
deacon followed her to the grave. With true 
New England affection he put up a tombstone, 
on which was — 

Ilic jacket Iloxa's Mother, 

Orphan child without a brother. 

She Avent hcnco with a single eye, &c., 

And left I single to go forth I 

Tears cannot restore her, 

Therefore I weep ! 

As I pile sod o'er her 

All in a heap. 

The deacon grow pale, all except his nosic. 
That wouldn't pale. It was in better spirits. 
The deacon married a nigger lacly from the 



^^BricW and the DeacorCs Ilexa. 115 

cotton country, and was happier than ever. 
Then Hexa and I had it all our way. We'd 
sit in the parlor, I cross-legged, Hexa with one 
foot under her, like a duck. She was strong 
minded. She wanted heaps of hugging, and you 
bet I was old industry at that business. She 
used to begin our Sunday night devotion by 
singing — 

"Ann me with jealous care! " 

I used to arm her, every time ! She liked it. 
Then she would read a chapter about how tho 
waste places should be made glad. I used to 
make her waist places glad, lots, till my arms 
got so tired I couldn't. Then she'd pillow her 
head on my manly chest, and I'd pillow my head 
on her manly chest. And we agreed that all I 
had should be hern, and all she had should be 
mine. She thought mine was more than hem, 
but it wan't. Her dad was rich. 

I used to help her weed onions. That was hei 



116 ^^BricJc " and the Deacon^ s Iltwa. 

strong game. She'd snatch an onion bed bald- 
headed in four minutes. She never missed a 
weed. She knew clover from onions just as easy. 
When they all grew in one clump, she'd dissect 
them quicker than a cat could lick her ear. I've 
Been her snatch for a handful of weeds right in 
among tlie onions, and never faze an un ! The 
old deacon said once, as I stood in the barn hold- 
ing a sheep for him to shear, that there was a 
consolation in affliction, for he had buried six 
wives and felt that each one was a stepping-stone 
over the river to glory. lie paused his shearing, 
looked skywai'd up alongside a black bottle he 
carried in a side pocket, and resumed his clip- 
ping. I saw by his nose that he was aifected. 
I pitied him. I asked him if the river was 
broad. He said it was, and deep. I asked him 
if his stepping-stones reached, as yet, near the 
glory shore. He said not quite — about half way. 
I looked at the humpy old deacon and his bald 
head, and as I got sight of his new -svife, asleep 



''Brick " and the Deacon's Ilexa. 117 

in the sun on the wood-pile, surrounded by a 
swarm of admiring flies, anxious to kiss her for 
her mother, but too polite to touch her opened 
lips, I reverently thought, " Old Cocky, it will be 
a wonder if the nigger don't beat you and plant 
you first as the next step-stone." 

We sheared the sheep. Then we sat under 
the fence, and while I tied my shoe I could 
hear a gurgle about the deacon's mouth. I 
thought it was his nose preparing to blossom, 
but it was only cider-brandy. 

And we sat there and talked until the noon- 
hour came. We settled our marriage matters, 
and I was to have Hexa, if I could get her. 
There was a question about the dowry. The 
deacon wanted me to pay the funeral expenses 
of his last wife ; not but he was glad to get rid 
of her, but he found her more expensive after 
death than before. I refused to pay for such 
nonsense. He found that I was in earnest, and 
let up. If he hadn't, after all I'd spent for 



lis ^'J^rick " and the Deacons Ilcxa. 

Hexa, ill the wiiy of time and travel, I'd have 
gone for his red knob, and he knew it. 

By and by tlie ohi deacon fell asleep, and 1 
went in to comfort ITexa. "Wo had a nice time. 
She was a rapid talker. I was a mere man of 
mnd in comparison to her. She knew she was 
smai't. She knew all other women were igno- 
rant, for she had been tanght it. I didn't love 
her for her love, but tor licr hate. She hated 
everything beyond her eyeshot. She hated 
some parts of New England, not because onions 
wouldn't grow there, but because in some places 
there were great, ugly Democrats, and they kept 
increasing. But I didn't want a woman to love 
me — only one who was intelligent — and so I 
sparked her. 

Our marriage-day was lixed. Being an igno- 
rant Western laborer, I was forced to agree to 
remain a servant in that household ten years, 
to get the hang of their notions. 

I had to Icju'ii to use a sickle instead of a reap- 



''Brich " aiid the Deacon' 8 Ilexa. 119 

iiig machine — to use psalms instead of melodies 
— to woik for others instead of myself. It was 
all right, for a while. But I couldn't love the 
deacon's dusky wife. Did not like her color. 
And when I wanted to hunt, I had to slioot 
straight up into the air, or down into tlie well, 
for fear of trespassing. And wlien I wanted to 
run and expand my lungs, I was plum against 
a stone fence in less than a minute. If I kissed 
Hexa on the Sabbath, I was fined for it. I was 
forced to drink cider-brandy, or nothing; and 
I was fed on onions till I sickened of them. 
Onions are good for two or tln-ee hundred meals, 
but for a steady diet, I like them not. I tried 
to love Ilexa ; but as soon as she found I was 
betrothed to her, she put on airs. She made 
me hew her wood, draw her water, find her in 
food, and pay extra for sewing on my shirt but- 
tons, making neckties, and all such little jobs. 

And I had to work hard all day carting 
apples from other farms for Deacon Bright- 



120 ^'Brich " a7id the Deacon^ s Hexa, 

water to grind up into tipple cider to redden 
his nose. And if I Avantcd a drink of cider I 
had to pay for it from over-work. And I had 
to work to fix np the Httle garden patch — to 
repair his ohi mill tliat wasn't worth repaii*s. 
As the old deacon grows old he grows mean. 
As Hexa thinks she has got a fellow tight, she 
just everlastingly goes for him. I am the best 
worker ever on the place. I make the old farm, 
BO-called, valuable, and it is for Ilexa's interest 
to keep me. But she hates me — she is jealous 
of me — she don't try to make it pleasant for 
me — she quarrels with me, and says I am 
nothing but a great ugly brute. She scolds me 
till I could almost die, steals my trinkets, cuts 
up my clothes for rag carpets ; and whenever 
she goes to a tea-party, she tells folks what a 
mean cuss I am and what a sweet intelligent 
angel she is. 

Some day I'll quit on Hexa — we'll go through 
that old cider-brand}^ mill, and leave for the 



^'Brick " <md the DeacorCa Rexa, 121 

West, where I can see daylight without being 
obliged to look straight up, and where I can 
find pome one better natured, if not so smart 
to sew on buttons and make neckties. I'll 
work on — but keep getting my little duds in 
shape — and some day be off in earnest, and let 
the deacon sing his psalms, and let Ilexa w^eed 
her onions. Thoughtfully thine, 

*' BkICK " POMEKOY. 



^^ 



CHAPTER XIY. 




Cure for a Cold. 

IIAYE been very sick. It was a cold. 
A dab bad cod id de ed. I came near 



going for to quit. I went so far down 
tbe lane, It was a grave question wlietlier it were 
best to retrace or trace aliead. I cangbt it ever 
so easy. The fire went out. The lamp flickered 
low. The kitchen clock tolled the death of the 
day as I told the girl I loved her. The clock 
struck as the idea struck me I was getting cold. 
I told the girl so. We sat on a sofa. Said she, 
"Sit up closer." In her lap we laid our head. 
Who cared for a little cold ? We talked of lots. 



Cure for a Cold, 123 

We talked low, because we were down-stairs. I 
caught the cold, but not the girl. Then I went 
to a doctor — a doctor of physic — so I met-a- 
physic ! How do you like that joke ? He felt 
of my tongue and looked at my pulse ; said I was 
sick. Told me to go home, soak my feet, cover 
up in bed, eat nothing for a week, and be well. 
Gave him ^nq dollars and saw my landlord. 
He said no deductions could be made on board, 
so I couldn't follow my physic's advice. Then I 
saw another doctor. He told me to take two 
bottles of hot drops, a bed-blanket covered with 
mustard, and go to bed. Told him I didn't want 
a hot drop till I dropped in forever. Told him I 
didn't want to be mustered in that way. Told 
him I didn't want to go to bed. Then I saw 
another knight of the scalpel. It was the same 
night that I saw him, though. He told me to 
take cod-liver oil and honey. Told him I had no 
cod liver. Then he said I must eat cold tallow. 
Said I, " That never agrees with me." Then he 



12.1: Cure for a Cold. 

told me to cat fat beef. I thought liiiu a 
humbug, and went elsewhere. Thought I'd try 
the cold-water plan. Eminent hydrantopothist 
told mc to soak my head in ice-water ; soak my 
feet in ice-water ; sit in a barrel of ice-water two 
lioui*s ; bathe my back in ice-water ; eat pounded 
ice till I sweat, and I'd feel better. Good way 
to get Tip a sweat ; but then it would have 
spoiled a skating-pond to have done it. 

Another doctor told me to use dumb-bells. 
Supposing he meant a deaf and dumb girl, I de- 
clined. Another Eseulapius told me the homo3- 
opathist style was all the rage. Gave me five 
thousand little pills^ marked A. Gave me live 
thousand more little pills, marked E. Gave me 
five thousand more little pills, marked 0. Told 
me to talvc one pill in a pail of water every five 
minutes; to take another pill in two pails of 
water every four minutes. Told me to take 
half of another pill in live pails of water ev(^ry 
two minutes. Took two pills and went to the 



Cure fm' a Cold, 125 

river. Hired a boy to dip up and pour down. 
Emptied the river in ten minutes. Changed my 
base to a young lake, and went at it again. Cold 
didn't improve — that is, the cold didn't improve 
me. "Went home mad. Gave fourteen thousand 
pills to a chap who pilfered chickens from the 
barn. He still lives. 

Another doctor told me to take calomel. 
Another told me to drink hot whiskey. How do 
you like that ? Two good doctors. Glad I met- 
a-physics in such spirits. Sent two barrels of 
whiskey to my room. First tried a pint of hot 
whiskey. It loosened my eyes. Then I tried a 
pint of cold whiskey. It fixed them all right. 
Then I moved with great vigilance upon a pint 
of hot whiskey. It loosened my legs. Then I 
threw my left flank around a pint of cold whis- 
key. Felt better. Then I tried some hot whis- 
key. Fine doctors. Eather like them both. 
Tried some more cold whiskey. It affected my 
head, somewhatly. Tried another pint of hot 



126 Cure for a Cold, 

wliiskey. Yery fine doctors — ^Imow just Low to 
cure a cold. Shall employ tliem by the year. ♦ 
Tried two pints of cold whiskey. Began to feel 
better ; felt like another man. Fine doctors ; I 
love them quitely. Kept on with the whiskey ; 
felt like three or fom* new men ; but there never 
lived such good doctors. Tried half a quart of 
cold whiskey mixed with half a quart of hot 
ditto. Ditto always means whiskey. Felt bet- 
ter ; felt like a company of new men. Tried to 
get in line ; formed in shape of a hollow square 
on the floor. Took some more w^hiskey ; don't 
remember whether it was hot or cold, or cold or 
hot. Felt much better. Passed a vote of 
thanks to the physicians ; felt better. Drank to 
their health ; got the whiskey mixed. Felt like ^ 
a brigade of new men. Tried to surround my 
enemy. Moved upon his works, and he gave me 
bottle. Took another position. Threw my en- 
tire corps to the front. Attacked the com- 
missary camp, and took a pint of whiskey pris- 




"Drank to their health; got the whiskey mixed. Tried 
to surround my enemy. Moved upon his works and he 
gave me bottle." — Page 126. 



Cure for a Cold. 127 

oner. Fine doctors; like tlioir way of curing 
coIdB. A good way ; was five days proving it 
to be a good way. Hair pulls a little, but it was 
on account of the cold. They said I'd feel like a 
new man, and I believe them. Wlien you have 
a cold, try the new style. 

Spiritually, 

"Brick" Pomerot. 





CHAPTER XV. 

"Brick" Pomeroy sends the President his 
Ann-Alice. 

OTHIKG like being known as a scien 
tific personage. Abraham read that I 
had struck *' Peter," and forthwith, on 
returning from the Peace Conference, thus ar- 
rested my attention : 

"White House, Feb. 12, '65. 
" Successful ' Brick : ' — Your striking * Pete ' 
reminds me of a little story, and you are hereby 
authorized to march upon some oil section, 
examine the country, find oil, analyze it, and 
report forthwith to me. You will travel incog., 
at owner's risk, at your own expense, and I will 



Sends the President his Ann-Alice, 129 

settle the bill. See in your explorations that 
nobody is hurted. A. Lincoln." 

Protected, authorized, and commanded by this 
document, set out, aimed with witch hazel-rods, 
a large gimlet, a string of auger holes to 
drive down, pair of opera glasses, the amnesty 
oath with sugar in it, pair of brogans reaching to 
the knees, four reams of foolscap, a trunk full of 
greenbacks, cigar box full of clothes, and much 
rectitude in those heart of mine concerning the 
Petrolia Bory Alis, for which I was to make 
light for this wicked world. Arrived on the spot 
which General Dix once proposed to shoot a man 
on, I pitched my tent, took the oath diluted with 
hot water and sugar, became intent on the bore, 
and proceeded with my procedure. First went 
through the rod, nature's greenbacks when the 
moon is right. 

At fifty feet, struck a strata of Egyptian 

marble, in which dead Ethiopian frogs, mer- 
6* 



130 Se?ids the President Jm A^m- Alice. 

luaitls, jiiui sncli works of art Avoro imbedded 
:iiul potrilicd Avitli astonislnnout. At seventy 
feet, passed through a descried Indian vilhige. 
At ninety feet, struck a baboon uhich had 
Chinese hieroglyphics on the bottom, bound up. 
At ninety-six feet, bored through a country 
Bchool-house, where a girl of nineteen sat in a 
petrified state, oiling licr hair with petroleum. 
At one hundred and ten feet, passed two dogs 
imbedded in solid rock, guarding a baby, which 
evidently had been rocked to sleep, as it was 
exceedingly much dead ! Twenty feet further 
down, an obstacle so hard presented itself that I 
could not drive the auger hole, so was obliged to 
resort to a yard of drilling. Ih-ought up a little 
wool, some thick pieces of skull, from which I 
was led to the belief that I had struck the head 
of a sable son of Ilam. If so, I beg the pardon 
of the defunct Hammer. 

At the depth of two hundred feet I struck a 
cooper shop, and from this judged oil was not far 



Sends the President Ids Ann-AliGe, 131 

i&elow, 60 advanced witli caution. Ten feet 
further down I ran into a gin-mill, and felt in 
better spirits. At the depth of two hundred and 
fifty feet, struck a bottle of old rye. I knew civ- 
ilization was not far distant, and waited. Soon 
a reliable contraband came along, and said I 
was oil right, and by urging my auger holes 
thirty feet farther into the stomach of the earth, 
I should be rewarded. I never can forget the 
debt of gratitude to this poor, down-trodden 
brother, w^ho so kindly was unto me, and who I 
love so very much! Reliable contraband! I 
caressed him sweetly for the feminine half of his 
immediate ancestry, and drove on with my bore ! 
I passed several valuable sections of farming 
land, rivalling the prairies of Illinois; a few 
Btratas of property resembling Connecticut stone 
fence; some loyal streaks, which proved to be 
coal ; several gold and silver lodes ; sand- 
stone and slate enough to furnish all of 
Brigham Young's children ; salt water, in tiers, 



132 Sends the Prendent his Ann- Alice. 

and a varloty of pliotograpliic views of eminent 
roostei*s belon^-inii; to this or to some otiier world. 

At the depth of two hundred and eighty feet, 
I struck a rich vein of patriotism. I looked for 
the model military man, Butler, as I went down ; 
but met some victims coming up, who said he 
was down so low that no mortal could reach 
him, no matter how fast he drove his bore. Six 
feet further down I struck a box of Continental 
currency, on wliicli green mildew was rapidly 
gathering; and several settlements of freed 
negroes, relieved from bondages since tlie war 
began. 

At the depth of three hundred and seven feet 
nine inches and a fraction over a fifteenth, I 
struck Fete A'cry much in the crude state, and 
now glory in a well which spurts seven hundred 
barrels of crude, and nine hundred biu*rels of 
refined petroleum, every six minutes. And the 
well is not yet in active operation. On analyz- 
ing the precious liquid, I find it to contain, in 



Sends the President his Ann- Alice. 133 



the crude state, two thousand parts, as followeth, 
to wit : 



Pctor 2 

Oleum 4 

Oil 3 

Diamond dust .... 20 
Store clothes . . . .10 

High Hving 86 

Patriotism 1 

Fast horses 70 

Brown stone house . . 64 
Champagne suppers . . 90 
Headache next morning 95 

Crinohno 21 

Cushioned pews ... 14 



Nigger hoarding-house . 65 

Opera 18 

Country residence . . 22 
Good opinion of neigh- 
bors 300 

Greenbacks .... 700 
Watering-places . . 100 
Internal revenue ... 2 
Neglect of poor relatives 19 
Hilarious nights . . .26 
Poodle dogs and ser- 
vants 30 

Genuine comfort . . 800 



Style 11 

Total Ann- Alices 2,000 

I have tried the crude Peter in my family with 
most gratifying results. It is good for all the 
ills flesh has an heir to, and a margin over for to- 
morrow. It will cure croup, plumbago, chronic 
inebriation, Dutch Gap Canals, coras, onions. 



134 Sends the President his Ann- Alice. 

leaks in boots, sore head (for politicians), fevera 
of all kinds, cancer on the pocket, bakl-headed- 
ness, tight boots, and is the great instantaneous 
cure for all poverty, even in the most hopeless 
stages, or on foot, for that matter. Applied ac- 
cording to directions, it will sweep ciu-pets, write 
letters, play faro, drive fancy horses, read late 
novels, visit opera, cause hair to grow on a boot 
heel, cut linger-nails, answer the door-bell, un- 
lock hearts, brush clothes, meiul watches, make 
champagne cocktails, edit newspapers, collect old 
bills, embroider cloaks, pick out the best cuts in 
market, sweep tlie streets, pick teeth on steps of 
fashionable hotels, make stump speeches^, deliver 
lectures, kiss all the girls, cut out ladies' slippers, 
catch a pickerel, run a steamboat on the Upper 
Mississippi in time of drouth, write obituaries for 
Bethel iishermen, elect second-rate men to otfice, 
Bhut up your neighbors' eyes and moutlis, and all 
on one application. 

The retimed article is still more wonderful. 



Sends the President his Ann- Alice, 135 

Applied gently, it will paint a lady's clicek, 
plumpify lier fair form and figure, play tlic 
piano, ornament the walls, cure drunkenness, 
secure prayers from tlie clergy, make old clothes 
as good as new, cure fits, gout, blues, repinings ; 
put marble floors in dwelling-houses, match 
horses, color gray hair and whiskers jet black, 
varnish faults invisible, and keep pocket full 
of cash. There is no perfume like it in 
the world, especially in tlie crude state ! 

I find also that for the cure of broken hearts 
it has no equal. Two doses will cure a boy of 
using tobacco. Aj^i^lied with a featlicr, it will 
saw wood, hoe corn, pour molasses on hot pan- 
cakes, dodge behind the door after kissing 
another man's wife, husk oysters, divorce clam 
shells, crack butternuts in farmer-boy style, 
hatch chickens from wooden eggs, shut hot stove 
doors, cure jealousy, mend burnt dresses, frizzle 
hair, teach a minister to make short prayers 



136 Sends the President his Ann- Alice. 

when there are no cushions on the pew seats, 
give fashionable children lessons in politeness, 
pay salaries of country preachers more promptly, 
and protect army chaplains from camp evils. 
It will also solve chess problems, point horse 
nails as well as jokes, make cider, and play tlie 
violin. 

From developments being made, I expect to 
be able in a week to report that : add to the 
comfort of boarding-houses, carpet chm-ch 
aisles, soften sleeping-car berths, keep tobacco- 
chewers from soiling carpets, restore peace, lessen 
the price of gold, bolster up damaged reputa- 
tions, mai'ry old maids, find homes for war 
widows, make conductors honest, keep women 
from gossip, curl straight hair, and give free 
passes on all railroads. Such is my Ann-Alice 
of Peter Oleum. "With assurances of my most 
formidable distinguished consideration, and the 
highest personal regard for Youi- Highness, and 



Sends the President his Ann-Alice. 137 

hopiDg these few lines, wliich I take my pen in 
hand to hope you will enjoy the same blessing, 
I have the pleasure to submit my Ann- Alice for 
Oil for Science. 

" BeICK " POMEROY. 





CHAPTER XVI. 

*' Brick " and Kalista. 

IKOSE other girl of ours, as wc are in- 
formed by letter, has done gone and 
got well locked unto a tinkerist o^ 
the gospel who attends prayer-meetings, swaps 
hoi*ses, stiinds chaplain in the army, and 
gets di'unk on the sly ! Oh, dear ! This is 
much misery! ^Ylierefore shall we dea go 
unto now? IIow we used to do courting for 
those girl. Candy, peanuts, lozenges, pepper- 
mint drops, little halls of honey-soap, night 
blooming for seriousness, and such evidences, 
did we pom* into them lap of hei*s whereon 



''BHck " amd Kalista. 139 

at vesper chimes this head of ours did erst so 
Bweeterly rest. Oh, dear ! 'Twas all O K — 
llsta! 

We used to blacken our boots, starch our 
hair, grease our shirt, and curl our eyebrows 
for them girl. And we rode horse for her 
paternal deriv^ative to cultivate com ; and we 
milked the brindle heifer as what no other boy 
could milk ; and we split oven- wood — and who 
would not ? — for her ma. 

And at night, when bats came forth, and 
tumble-bugs crawled over the lea, and young 
pullets sat in maiden meditation fancy free, 
holding their head under one wing so as to 
learn love by hearing their hearts beat, we 
would hasten under Kalista's window, and she 
would, with her lily-white hand, snail us up by 
the hair till we arrived at the bower of love, 
as she called her garret. 'Twas thus our hair 
became less, and our confectionery for Kalista 
increased. 



140 ''Brich " and KaUsta. 

When the week had busted on the rock of 
Saturday night, we used to wander by the brook- 
let and let the brook wander, too. And Kalista 
went forth with us. Hand in hand, like the 
Siamese twinsters, we roamed, and sat on the 
dewy bank to catch colds in our heads, and lux- 
m-iato on the " bank wet with dew ! " And we 
used to reclme against a fatherly or motherly elm 
tree, and squeeze our each other's hands as Ave 
rolled om* eyes and peeked upward into the blue 
vault our spirits longed to vault into, but didn't. 
Oh, this sparking is Heaven in two earthly vol- 
imies, with the price-mark omitted ! Did you 
ever spark ? If not, advance your works upon a 
female crinoline-dear, and commence active hos- 
tilities to oncet. 

Once we sparked Kalista when her mother 
was looking. The old lady stopped us, 'cause it 
reminded her of other times, she said. But she 
didn't keep us stopped. When we wanted to re- 
pose our head, Kalista held her lap, and into it 



''Brick " and Kalista. 141 

we went like an apple. "When we wanted a 
kiss, we told Kalista such was our desire, when 
she would lean her amber head over upon our 
forces, and say : " Now, ' Brick,' tea is ready." 
You jest can gamble we took tea from that little 
table lots of times, and never asked any one to 
help put back the plates ! Kalista was a zephyr 
on the kiss. It was pretty near her best holt. 
Making much was Kalista's charm. "When the 
water would boil, how she did sprinkle meal 
into the iron — iron — recepteakettle, and shake 
her locks in glee to see the infant mush bubble 
and splutter like a fellow kissing a baby with 
his mouth full of beechnuts. 

We courted, sparked, and courted Kalista 
seventeen long years. She grew from sighs to 
greater size, and all went merrily as a funeral 
bell. Kalista's maternal author said we might, 
and we intended to. We sat on rail fences, 
end boards to wagon-boxes, piles of pumpkins, 
heaps of potatoes, door-steps, saw-logs, plough- 



142 ''Brich '' and Juilu^ta. 

hoains, pino-Ptumps, >vliero we told our love, 
find, in nnlicipation, combed our luiir, peeled 
onr potatoes, chopped onr Imsli, rocked our — • 
Avell, never mind— wore our old clothes, except 
when we had company, and waxed fat on love 
and sich. Tvalista's father said we might, and 
there again we had things bagged. We counted 
our calves, and weighed our pork, and sold om* 
veal, and churned our little mess of butter, 
and took cur wool to market, and ]>ut up our 
little preserves, and revelled in that future which 
is so much like an oyster — nu")re shell than 
meat. 

One day a baulky steer slung one of his back 
hoofs in among the old gent's waistband, and 
after a series of severe discomfort, the old 
rooster went hence in February, when we all 
followed with a march ! Kalista was a sensi- 
tive plant, measuring fifty-nine inches around 
afHictions, and so avc murdered the steer, and 
made liim into smoked beef. And at supper- 



^^Brich " and Kal/kia. 143 

table, and as wc lunched between the heavy 
courting, we chuwed tlie Ijeef, and tlius Kalista 
and us got Batisfaction from tlie juvenile ox 
who steered his foot so wickedly. 

Then Kalista's mother, who would not par- 
take of the beef, took cold in her head, and 
went hence. It was autumn — one of the fall 
months. The mother of our heart's poison — as 
we family-arly called Kalista — was of an inquir- 
ing disposition. She always asked numerous 
things. She asked the q^<^^ man if chickens 
abided in the shells of the hen-fruit she bought. 
She wanted to know why rounds were put in 
ladders crosswise instead of up and down. She 
wanted to know why pants were made so that 
a man could not take them off over liis head. 
She said, in her innocence, that an eclipse was 
caused by a nigger convention between her and 
the moon ! But why the moon fulled rather 
busted the venerable mother of our Kalista, 
and she nought to study it out. She read Da 



144 ''Bricl-'' and Kalhfa. 

boll's Arithmetic, Siuids' Spelliug-book, Robinson 
Crusoe, and tlio L;i Crosse Pkmookat; but sho 
could not get lier fork into the rojison. The 
old lady read in an nlnnuiac tJiat on a certain 
night the moon would full. AVc went to soo 
Ivalista that night, to see if our love would 
full. The old lady deterniined to watch it and 
see how a moon fulled, and when it fulled, and 
what for did it full. Night Ciune, and she wrap- 
ped one leg of a pair ot^ red llannel drawoi*s 
about her head, and when all in the house was 
still, slio omci'ged into the sitting-room, and 
in her antique costume. The old lady says : 
''Brick, your supper is ready!'' So we went 
into the pai-lor, and kissed the ho\u-s away. 
Yery fine supper ! 

The old lady took an almanac, a New York 
Directory, and a tallow ctmdle out on the back 
Btoop. She anchored in a big chair, and waited 
to see the moon change its clothes. Slie looked, 
and looked, and at laat fell asleep for a moment, 



^"^ Brick " a/rid Kalista. 145 

when, aa bIic said, tlie darned, tldwj v/£) and 
fulled^ and she didnH see it ! 

She was not an observing female, but fibo 
never lost any children. Yet, for all that, the 
moon worried her — her candle went out. Ka- 
lista was left to be her own mother, or do with- 
out. Kalista took grief very healthy. She wore 
mourning, and looked well, as she wept because 
the jeweller did not get her mourning-pin done 
in time. She ironed a new cotton handkerchief 
on the coflSn lid, so as to have some use of the 
furniture ere it was knocked down, and was 
ready to wedlock then. Kalista was lonesome 
when her authors were gone, and we should have 
wedded but for the looks of the thing. 

Then there came from the war a journeyman 

converter, and he offered Kalista all he had, at 

once. And Kalista, being a lonesome girl, said 

she would, and she did. And her and the good 

man went to the carjienter's and ordered a 

graveyard fence for the loved relatives, and the 

7 



14:6 ^^ Brick " and Kaluta, 

worker of wood tlirew in a cradle, and the pair 
wedded at once, and now Kalista is telling some 
other delegate that " supper is ready I " And 
thus another of our hopes is spilled over life's 
precipice, and we are left to mourn for the 
candy we gave unto Kalista, who has left us all 
alone for to die ! 





CIIAPTEE XYII. 

" Brick " Pomeroy's Evening with Arion. 

EION said come! The C. T. was not 
enveloped in mystery, but in a wliito 
envelope, as all complimentary tickets 
sliould be. Grand fancy dress ball. Academy 
of Music, wit, fashion, shoddy, petroleum, and 
pretty faces, masked batteries, and such! Did 
you ever ? In this ungodly settlement dwells a 
charmer. An angelic charmer of the gentler 
persuasion. She wears hoops. Nineteen springs 
have fallen over her head. Those dear head, 
which so erst has reposed on the stalwartest of all 
arms known in the " Brick " family. Angelic, 



148 ^'-Bricl^s'''' Evening with Arion, 

said you ? "We went to costumer's. Mucli display 
of variety. I went E Plnribus Natnralibus, with 
mask. Angelic dressed gassy, with white skirt, 
pink gaiters, corn-colored white kids, red ribbon 
in muchness, hair widely and vehemently frizzled, 
and a papier-mach^ mask, which got mashed over 
her flice, to the great damage of the rouge, who 
so loves to linger about your lips, you know. 
We went to the ball. Man with a bear's head 
and a three-tailed ape took tickets. Angelic and 
I went in on the roll. Gorgeousness of raiment, 
and much elevation of head, as though we had 
each a breast-pin made from crude petroleum ; 
skirmished to the front, advanced masked battery 
to the stage, flanked a brace of pretty girls with 
No. 2 gaiters, encamped in a corner of the Arion 
platform, took Ange's hands in one or two of my 
hands, and began to grow delirious with pleas- 
ure. Ange is a sweet girl, and each returning 
vernal ripens the love which ripens on her tulips, 
as pitch oozeth from bark in pine tree. And 



"Bride's " Emnhig with Avion. 149 

when it comes to sweetness tliey do say there is 
much in I to admire, bat it is not as yet gen- 
erally known. Ange has taken a working inter 
est, and intends developing the property even- 
ings, when the rose sleeps and two lips waken. 
But why this digression? Yes. Why this di? 
"We sat. There was an uproariousness of music 
right and left. There was an army of beauty in 
the galleries. Yea, there was great beauty in the 
gals ! And at the stage — when we went on the 
stage — there were boisterous boys on tlie plat- 
form clad in all the queerness of ridiculous- 
ness. That ball seemed like a living edition of 
Babel, or Aldricht's " Baby Bell." It seemed 
like a modern Congress in full blast, the more so 
as several innocent ducks, resembling human 
mourning goods, were to be seen in the scene. 
We sat and gazed. Ange is good on the gaze. 
Pretty soon a huge rooster offered his arm to the 
girl, and she cackleated she'd wander with him. 
He comes it over me very fowl! I hitched in 



150 "'Brick^s'*'^ Evening with Ar ion. 

with a Swiss peasant girl with a milk-pail. 
Charming little Swiss. Asked her in Swiss, " Wilt 
prenode?" Answered she in Tenton, "YaJi!" 
Just then the brass band began to toot on, and 
we walked. Run against soldier. Soldier man 
scowled. Run against two clowns turning flip- 
ilaps. IS'obody hurt. This is quoted! llun 
against many people. Did not like the jam. 
No preserves in such jams ! Took a lean against 
private box with girl. Chinese juggler, with a 
tail on his head like a bovine's narrative, ad- 
vanced and enraptured my little diary to waltz 
with him. All right ; I hunted for Ange. Just 
then a tall duck with black leggins, red vest, 
steel helmet, cross-bai-s on his back, and huge 
gloves, waltzed by with my Ange in his arms. 
I waxed wroth. 'Twas not for that I went to 
see Arion — his ball. The music was line. The 
black knight, who might have been black as 
night, or a good fellow, waltzed well ; but, lordy, 
how vigorously he voted on the hugging ques- 



'' Brick'' s"^"^ Evening vnth Avion. 151 

tion I Around tliey went, dodging, bobbing, 
whirling, darting, and scooting to the right and 
left, his arms making, in the language of the 
Psalmist, the waist places glad ! Didn't I wisli 
those arms were my arms? Then a herculean 
Indian grabbed my Ange and whirled her off in 
the forest of humanity ; his arms about her waist, 
and my heart growing wild with rage — for I 
can't dance. And that was a funny Indian. He 
never got tired — at least he did not pant ! Oh, 
dear! If this fun is not original, it is worse — 
aboriginal. Waltzing is sweet; but dam your 
hugging — when some one else is hugging your 
girl I That's what's the matter ! 

In the jam I lost Ange. I saw everybody 
and everything else. Dukes and dukesses, nuns 
and nunesses, kings and kingesses, clowns, 
Yankees, fat boys, Chinese, Indians, priests, 
warriors, horse-jockeys, pill-doctors, demijohns, 
photograph shops, lobsters, pirates, ballet girls, 
dominos, cowls, and all manner of disguises, 



152 ^'Brk'k-s " Evening with Avion. 

but no Aiigc ! Pretty soon, in a lit of desper 
audum, I froze to a pink skirt ^vith a blue mask. 
She was dressed like a poet. AVe, arm in arm, 
did wouders. 1 bent my licad low, and in 
gentle tone and manner said: 

Gentle maiden, wilt thou toll 
This stranger ^Yhere thou dost dwell ? 
Give mo tliy name, and who tliou art, 
And rapture bring my beating heart. 

And thus gently she spoke : *' Nix for-stay." 

Good-by, poor Dutchess! I have entangled 
sleeves with a queen of night, whose pensive 
brow and heaviuix breast caused me to think, 
love her I must. AVe promenaded. Gently she 
poised her two hundred pounds avoirdupois on 
my arm, and now her fat lingers rested on mine. 
Poetry seized me, and I gently remarked : 

Come to the heart for you now aching — 
Come, raise that deep mask, that I may behold 

The beauty of her I round here am taking, 
And on thee I'll squander a fortune in gold. 



^'Brich^s " Evening with Arion. 153 

And Blie replied in sweet accents, " Sprachen ye 
Deitch?" 

I gave her up, and made for a gentle nymph, 
or nymphess, with magic wand, and the zodiac 
on her apron. Said I, " Wilt walk ? " and she 
wilted. She was fair, else she had not masked. 
So said I, " Oh ! sweet astrologer lady, wilt 
tliou tell the secrets of the stars for me ? Tell 
me, lovely one, if I am to wed a nymph or 
a nymphess ; or if I am to wander through time 
with no fond soul to cheer me on to high and 
noble deeds, and no dear hand to comb my hair 
when tight ? " And she said, " Mein Gott in 
Ilimmel ! " 

Yerily, verily, I believe all Arion's girls are 
Dutchesses. Then I made love to a neat little 
sewing girl, and she raised her mask to show mo 
a mustache and inquire for a chew of tobacco. 
Sold ! And the jam increased. Tried to find 
Ange. Might as well look for patriotism in a 

bounty-jumper. Tried to get a supper-room. 

7* 



154: ''JJrivFs^'' J:vcn{}}(/ with Anon. 

IV o go. Tried to uvt out. Impossible. Kovoi* 
saw such a ci\>wd. CouUl not liavo got another 
poi'son ill tlie building, unless melted and poured 
\\\ through a funnel. Lost my mask, my coat- 
tail, my Ange, and my shape. Got homo next 
morning all out of shape, but bound to see Arion 
next year, if Congress will pass a law against 
waltzing with my girl, or for the restoration of 
the angelic parting of my jammings who was 
lost in that crowd. I am foot-sore, sido-sore, 
and badly out of shape ; but a petroleum vapor 
bath will bring me to myselt\ and perhaps bring 
back mv Auire. 



CIIAFTEE XVIII. 
"Brick* Pomeroy's Experience at Niagara Falls. 



yj9 
^^ZffT was two o'clock when I got there. 

^W/^ We went to the International, because 

"^•'^ I wanted to get inter the national inn. 



George Colbum, the best and best-looking 
hotelist in the Northern Confederacy, is at the 
International, and he is the chief among ten 
thousand and the one altogether now, three 
cheers for George. 

I took a room. That is, we didn't take it 
away, for it was too large to carry. 

Being in a hurry, we borrowed a candle and 



166 ^'BricFs " Experience at Niagara. 

an umbrella and went forth in the night to look 
at the beauties of nature. Waterfalls are beau- 
ties of natui-e. Selah ! 

We couldn't see it. That is the Falls. The 
water tumbled over so fast it hid the falls. Ni- 
agara is a great tumbler. There ai*e several 
tumblers full of it. Next week they are to shut 
off at 7 p. M., and let on at 6 a. m., except on 
special occasions. This will save water, and pre- 
vent folks from seeing them without paying for 
them. This is because our colored brother 
fought sol 

"We went to om* room. The dam roaring out 
of the window sounded like an army of Fenians 
or the rushing of many waters. I couldn't sleep, 
so we raised the window open and looked on 
the beauties of nature. Bully for nate. 

After a while tor wo I fell. That is we fell 
asleep. What a fall. But not a waterfall ! 

I dreamed of tliee. And tliere came a rapping 
upon the chamber. That is to say upon the door 



^'Brick^s " Experietice at Niagara. 157 

thereof. It was made of glass and was full of 
cider, with lemon rind in it and saccharine about 
the edges. 

" Colburn's comps." 

We looked to see what it was, and while 
looking we lost sight of it. But to memory dear. 
'Twas good. We sent for another. It came. 
Was in need of food. Had read of rinderpest in 
cattle, so we sent for another glass thing full of 
cider. It came. 'Twas good. Still hungry. 
Thought of " fish bait " in pork. Dare not eat 
pork. Sent for another glass full of cider. The 
curly-haired cause of the late war smiled. 
Drank the cider. Felt hungry. Wanted to eat, 
but the plague in sheep makes mutton dangerous. 
Couldn't think of mutton, so we tried for another 
glass of cider. That cider never saw apples, but 
it must have been made in a cider mill. It 
made our head think of the way the horse went 
round. Still hungry. Dare not try sausages. 
Dogs are poisoned. So we sent for another glass 



158 ^'Jjru'Jcs-''A]vj)erieiice at Niagara. 

of that, of Col burn. AVixiitod to know why those 
things were thus. Still hungry. Thought of 
ordering lish ; but they arc poisoned with cocculus 
indicus. Diii*e not try fish, for fear Bome coroner 
would have to olliciato on account of the lish I 
ate. That is a scaly pun — on a small scale. It 
the somebody will s})ear my life, I'll never 
be caught on that line again by hook or by 
crook. 

I had nine of those beverages in one hour. 
'Twas on account of our thirst. Thought it about 
time to arise and girdle our armor on. Must 
see Niagara. Unlike gold, the more it falls the 
bettor it pleases. Didn't feel hungry. Thought 
best to get up. Advanced out of bed. Thought 
I'd take bath. Bath brick ai-e good ; so thought 
a brick bath would be good. Changed our mind. 
»Sat down on edge of bed. Drew on one leg of 
drawers. Felt queer. The bed had changed 
sides. Lopped down on bed to hold it straight. 
Pulled on one boot. Put on vest. Tried to 



''^ Bricks 8 " Fxjperience at Niagara. 159 

get niglit-Bhirt off after vest was on. Night- 
shirt beat us. Put on hat. Put on other hoot. 
Tried to pull drawer on over hoot. Couldn't. 
Tried to put on stocking without taking boot 
off. Couldn't. Eested. Rang for ice-water. 
Tried to button paper collar to bosom studs. 
Collar was too short. Tried to put pants on 
over head, by holding our legs close together. 
It is an impossibility ! Tried to get suspenders 
under vest without taking vest off. Made our 
hair pull ! Singular how light hair will pull. 
Tried to tie necktie witli one end over our 
shoulder. Rang for a waiter to find other half 
of necktie. He found it ! Paid waiter a ten- 
dollar bill by mistake. Tried to brush our teeth 
with tooth-brush. It had grown so. It was the 
nail-brush ! IIow our hair pulled ! Pulled it- 
self. Had waiter pour ice-water on our head. 
Had him rub it. Felt better. Niagara Falls 
are good for headaches! Was four hours in 
dressing. Took six naps while dressing. Notli- 



160 ^' Brick'' s"^"^ Experience at Niagara. 

ing extra about our wardrobe either. Simple 
and short, like a Fenian war ! 

Went to dinner. Lots of people went to din- 
ner. Was not severe on the appetite, but we 
Bouped, fished, boiled, baked, roasted, fricasseed, 
side -dished, entr^ed, relished, pastried ; was 
wined, raisined, appled, oranged, figged, and 
nutted, till our herculean frame felt as full as 
those head did, after the ninth cock-tail in the 
A.M. Then a genteel artist, of brunette cast of 
features, brought us a blue bowl of lemonade. 
A pint of water, one little piece of lemon about 
the size of a coat button, and a small towel. A 
very young towel ! Following the example of a 
countryman at an opposite table, we drank the 
lemonade, but it was too thin to be exhilarat- 
ing ! Guess it wan't a good day for lemonade. 
Reckon lemons were skirce ! 

!N^ever saw so much water for so little " fruit " 
before. Great watering-place— that is, for lem- 
onade. 



^'Briclch''^ Exjperience at Niagara, 161 

Then I went out. We went out. "Went 
out to look at the Falls, that is what we mean. 
Couldn't see the Falls in the House. Wan't a 
good day. At least Colbui-n said so, and he 
knoweth. Went out with our sweethearts to see 
the Falls. Wanted to walk. Wanted to rest in 
that way. Stepped out of the house. Turned 
the comer. 

" Ha/ce a ca/rriage ! " 

" !N'o, thank you. Ah, my dear, how beauti- 
ful this is — here is the bridge to Goat Island — 
no goats there now, however. See how the 
mighty current " — 

" Ilave a carriage — drive you all over " — 

" ]N^o, thank you. The mighty current breaks 
over the ledges with irresistible force to 
leap"— 

" / aoAj^ mister^ will you have a carriage — tahe 
you OMd your " — 

"i^'o, thank you!" 

"Leap over the awful precipice to mingle 



162 ^^jBricFs " ExperUiice at Niagara. 

with the green waters below. Let iis walk up 
this way to obtain a better view of" — 

^^ Drive you aU about tlie Island for two dol- 
lars''— 

" ISTo ! " 

" The stream as it makes the curve, and leaps 
along to its deatli, as 'twere." 

"Howbeantiful!" 

" Yes, indeed ! We will cross this bridore and 
go down to Luna Island, where we can hear " — 

" Try my fine garriage, Myneer. It is shust 
der jpest " — 

" !N"o — nix — nein ! " 

"The roar of the waters as they seem to 
say"- 

" Shust daJce you so goot all over ter falls for 
a toUar / " 

"!N"o — ^nein — nix — no — don't want to go over 
ter falls"— 

" Thunder and lightning — excuse me — but 
what was I going to say \ " 



'^ B rich'' s'''^ Experience at Niarjara. 163 

"And from here, my dear, we see down the 
river to the Suspension Bridge — can see the 
channel worn by the waters, which say as plain 
as words " — 

" Want a carriage — drive you all over the 
Island for a dollar ! " 

" ]^o, thank you — ^prefer to stand right here ! '^ 

"Can speak that the age of the world is 
greater than " — 

"^ description of all the points of interest, 
only fifty cents ! " says an old man with a little 
book. 

"IS'o, thank you — ^have been here before! — 

""We think for. Let us now walk up the 
bank, watch the rippling waves by the shore — 
gather a few flowers — ^listen to the roar of the 
wondrous falls — rest 'neath the shade of these 
wide-spreading branches, and drink in the 
beauties of this wonderful place. Ah, my dear, 
here is a little shady bower — the grass carpet is 
rich, green, and clean — ^here is a rustic bench — 



104 '''' Bnckh^'' Experience at Nia(jai^a. 

the sun cannot find us, and side by side sitting 
we will — 

Ragged hoy — "Show yer anything you want 
to sec for a quarter I " 

'''Go ''way! Wouldn't give a quarter to see 
anything we want to see, unless it is you in the 
dim distance I Get I 

"Let care go dancing down the winds, and 
forget the busy world. Really, this is worth a 
long journey. And now let us go over to the 
tower, whose base is washed by the waters which 
so soon leap down into the foaming abyss, never 
to return. What fine walks — what beautiful 
drives, what " — 

" Want a nice carriage — drive you home for 
half a dollar ! " 

" Yes ! Just wait here till we come back ! " 

"Can't see it 1" 

" Splendid views. Across there is Canada. 
That is the Clifton House, the great Confederate 
headquarters during the late war. And do you 



^'BricFe " Experience at Niagara. 165 

see the crowd of red-coats over tlierc ? — tlio 
Queen's Own, on the Queen's legs, witli tlio 
Queen's arms, trembling in fear of the ' blarsted 
Finnygans,' and all that sort of thing, you 
know I " 

" Ah I they are preparing for evening parade. 
We liear the drum and fife, we almost liear " — 

" Ca/rriage^ sir — drive you hack for three 
dolla/rs ! " 

" The command of the ofliccrs as they 
Bhout " — 

" Carriage^ si/r — d/rive you hade for half a 
dolla/r ! " 

" Fall in, men ; fall in for evening parade I " 
(Touch on the slioulder.) 

" Have a carriage^ air — your lady looks 
wearied ! " 

"Yes — yes — yes, in God's name YES. Two 
carriages, six carriages — two hundred carriages — 
a thousand carriages — balm of ten thousand 
carriages, and we'll ride from Harlem to Halle- 



lt)i) ''7>/vVX"'6' " AV/>(VV(V/(V' at Niagara. 

lujiili ; iVom C'.\\^c Cod io tlu> irrcpiv&siblo con- 
tlict — iVoin !>i\ p. 111. to a bottlo of claret, if 
you'll only lot us alone. And mind you, if you 
i\o not, I'll spow you out oi' u\\ mouth ; I'll toiu 
tlioo limb tVoni limb; thy nu^thor sliall gaze in 
vain on tliy manL::lcHl head to disoovor traoo^^ of 
hor wliijvcrackinix intant ; Til malu* yom- oyos 
aolu\ and tho waste plaees of the earth shall tum- 
ble over thy short-haired head like the ]uetures 
of ^'iuevoli, Jis they ''— 

lie's ixone ! lie jumped into his earriai^o, 
and is oif like a country bov for a doctor, \vhip 
in hand, horses on the run, and oyo thrown over 
his shoulder as if struck with fear! 

And now, my ilear, we will p:o io the Her- 
mit's Cavo — to the cave of the winds — to the 
ramble— tlu\>nii;h the brand^les— to the curiosity 
stores — then to the International, and rest on the 
lawn, or sip a claret punch and be happy. 
Youi*s, at tho Falls, 

*" l^KiCK " ro:\n.K(n'. 



^'-JiricWB " Ejyperience at Nia/ja/ra. 1 07 

r. 8. — Tlic Bcarod driv<;r told everybody tluit 
w(i Jiro cnizy — mad — danp^eroufi- — and li<; offcrn 
to hot liin woljlcl'i '^';aln;';t a j>jrit of orcarn that 
wo will jump tlifj KallB I/i Johh than forty-ei^lit 
lionrB. 




CHAPTER XIX. 



" Brick " Pomeroy Skatetii at the Central Park. 



"<! 



^V^WAS there. Carnival on Central Park 
Skating Pond. Time — afternoon and 
evening. Occasion — superabundance of 
ice. Eeason — much skating. Eesult — great fan. 
Saw it in the papers. Told Jcrusha Mehitiblc 
my head ached. J. M. is the sharer of m j woes. 
She didn't read the papers — didn't know of the 
Carnival. Head grew worse and mor^ worse- 
ly. Told J. M. I would go for doctor. Ask- 
ed her wouldst she if her head ached. An- 



swered she me then, I wouldst. Therefore 



''Rr'ick'' Rhatdh at Central Park. ICO 

I wcTiter], Head diMn't ache, liowevcr. Went 
foitli. Walked nlowly around two comerH for 
fofir one wouldn't he cnouf^li. Took pasHage 
with Oftcar. Advanced with Oscar to tlic CJar- 
nival. Marched with vigor to the gate. All 
right. Then Hkirmished to left in the direc- 
tion of (Jarnival. Ycrily, veriljj big thing. 
Two hands played music while many girls 
went forth to skate. Delicate biiBincHfl, that 
skating! Gazed with admiration on the cvolu- 
ting crowd w^ho were toying on the bosom of 
skating pond. Mr. and Mrs. Avenue were 
there in carriages. The Avenue girls were 
there. ISMce girls. One^ sweet little dumpling 
said : " Please give me a hand till I got on 
the ice?" I gave both hands, and when wc 
reached the glassiness thereof, and she told 
me slie was " on it," how my heart jumped 
as her heart smiled bo sweetly into mine own. 
J. M. didn't trouble me even in thought, then ! 

Just as I helped my angel with pink skirt 
8 



170 " Brwh " Skateth at Central Park. 

and striped hose on tlie ice, she scooted from 
me like a bird on wing, so to speak. I gazed 
and she went. Then I fell back to the recep- 
tion-room. 

One of the Avenne girls, with another one, 
came in with fun in their eyes, paint on their 
cheeks, curls on their hair, fancy skating-rings 
on their bodices, and skates in bags on their 
arms. I offered to put skates on for them; offer 
was accepted. Goodness ! did you ever hold the 
foot of an Avenue girl in your lap and gently 
squeeze the little toes of the little foot in the 
flurry of getting the skate to lit? Oh! dear, it's 
fun ! And such short skirts, and such pretty Bal- 
moral hose, like Uttle barber-poles of flesh, blood, 
lightning, and electricity! Helped many skates 
on to many feet of the Avenue girls. Large 
family of girls ; one of them gave I half a dollar 
for skating her. Got tired of the exercise, went 
to office, gave a man half dollar for use of skates ; 
paid boy ten cents to strap them on, and ambled 




" I offered to put skates on for them ; offer was accept- 
ed. Goodness ! did you ever hold the foot of an avenue 
girl in your lap?" — Page 170. 



" Jirich " SIcafMh, at (Mntrat J*o/rk. 171 

foj'tli 1,M join lli<; vvliirliiif^ l.lirofij.'^. Skat,Irip; Iri 

llOl,, in l,llf, |>l'(;i,(;)jj, ycMv (A' <»ur Loifl, /fjy h<;Ht, 

i'»rt,(;. lint, Ktron;.': Iif.;irf, H;ii<l " ^io it, ! " Ol^cyc^l 
injunction, ;i./j(J \v<;nf, it.. OnicioUH, hnt, how 
caHy I Jnrtt, lil<<', f;i,llin^ oil" a lo^ — only a lit,t,I<; 
lif;}ivl<;)" on tlif; f;ill. I'inc; (;x({rciHO. JVlarjy Loyrt 
and \r}y\'r- \u'\\\\\(:<\ ;i.uflil>ly to \^,(-Ai inc. {.A'kU^ rap- 
idly up 1,lj(; ponfj ; jui'l, i/i iryjjj;^ \m (Jodg<j two 
liundrf;'] and fifty ]>oiin<Jii (jf nkaUiH, in nliorfc 
lioop!', and n;d hooiH, inB(;rt,od orxj ](;;i^ In an air 
liol(;. V(;ry inoi;.!, wa;i that, ai-f; hoN;. ('kA, owi 
witJj M|(ilit,y, and \\(;\\i of" ;j, • liinny f,lnh, and w<;nt 
on. .In;:t an 1 hiarlc^d, a KWf;(;t, lit,thi f;}iif;kf,n, in 
1)1 uf; jackot., Ht,rip^,d npron, Htrr^ak^id Iioh';, and 
vr;lv(;t, r-,ap, dari(;d p.'tKt,, and i-aid, " Calolj ifjf;." 
'J'li<;n J ur^'<;d my mad carcf.r on lo a r-.lo.-o- or 
toward tlic anirrjat(M',lotl)r;H wliif-li was w> Bwiftly 
on tli(; ^didr;. 81io (lodged, and J dodgfj^l. Mot a 
lon^ rooftter with (;yo-glaHHOH, Bido-wliiftkorK, f)oh- 
lail (!oat, fanoy hkatoH, lirrdKjr lop^;^, and a liH]>. 
Wii yoliod, ''Take care, follah !'' And wo hoth 



172 »' Jh'iA' " S/cdt<i/i at Central Park'. 

dodgod the ?amo way. I slanted the right skato 
a point to windward; hobtail anchored. "All 
right," said I, and passed on. Lost tlie blue 
jacket and striped apron in the nu^loo. Met 
timber legs on a limp, lie wanted an apology ; 
so did 1. We parted in coldness, and he with 
a contusion on his head. 

The music kept playing itself. Tlie crowd 
kept arriving. Never saw so much style on ice. 
Blue jackets, red jacketvS yellow tunics, green 
skirts, purple Balmorals, striped hose, red gaiters, 
pretty ankles, jauuty skating-hats, neat little 
limbs — O Lordy ! but how queer a fellow feels 
when he feels queerly ! And we all skated. 
Pretty soon, a frolicksome OA'ster came tearing 
up the pond, steadpng his gray-haired govenior. 
How they glided ! And the writer hereafter in 
their wake. 

Pretty girl wanted to take my arm till she 
learned to strike out. Xice girl — she can have 
those arms anv da v. Girl took arm. We sky- 



" B'l^k " Skuteth at Cmiral Park. 173 

bugled hither and yon — yon and hither — as tho 
waves dafih in on Coney Inland. Met a vigorous 
female scudding before the gale at heavy rate 
of speed. There was a collibion. Pretty girl 
turned a somersault, and flopped into the arms 
of a venerable rooster, who stood then and there 
a looker-on. I anchored on a chilly spot of 
frigidity, and heard the buttons part company 
witli waistband. The emphatic and limb-fat-ic 
female had done it. 

With an "ouch" of rauoh anguish, 

And a tear on her nose, 
She squashed and she hid me 

Safe under her clothes. 

It might have been fun, but, situated as I wafl, 
with those nose of mine flattened on the ice, and 
two hundred pounds of loveliness, so to speak, on 
back of an aching head, I couldn't see it. Queer 
wasn't it? Preferred the outskirts to the in 
skirts to skate in. Tried to crawl out. One 
foot of mine, and two Icet of limb-fat-ic female 



174 " Brnch " ShaUth at Central Pari, 

visible beyond the edge of her crinoline. Boy 
on skates whirled around and yelled, " Hi ! 
hi 1 Three-legged woman I " Everybody stopped. 
Crowd came pouring and tumbUng in. Rolled 
over and tried to retreat. Came niii-h beino; 
smothered. More than twenty girls fell over us. 
At last I emerged — yes, that is the word — from 
being where I had not ought to have been. I 
crawled out from that place of confinement with 
nose like a potato-blossom, half a hoop-skirt over 
my head and around my neck. And what work I 
had getting out ; woi*se than boring for petroleum 
as I wriggled through a forest of red stockings, 
variegated circus-tents, skates, and fancy elastics. 
Go to where I have been, go see what I have 
seen, go feel what I have felt, on that Fifth 
Avenue Skating Pond. Be knocked around and 
about by the cai'eless crowd, and then tell me 
if skating carnivals are in reality what they are 
cracked np to be ! All very Avell for those who 
keep on their feet, but as for me, give mo 



^' BrloJc'''' Skateth at Cent/ral Park. 175 

liberty, or give mc — give mo — give me a lighter 
woman to hold me down when tlie ice is bo 
fearfully and freezingly cold. 

It is now morning. I arrived home in a 
damaged condition. Those hat which adorned 
that head of mine, by Ijirth, and not by adop- 
tion, is gone in. And that are pants be much 
damaged beyond repair. And our nose is 
much w^orried even to tliis liour. Our cheek 
is minus a patch of whiskers big enough for 
a baby's wig, from the fall on the ice. Our 
watcli crystal is in no condition for Bcrvicc. 
And if ever head ached in tliis world, head 
aches now. And J. M., Bhe knows not what 
is the matter. I told her a ISTewfoundland dog 
fell from the feiTy-boat, and I became injured 
in trying to save the life of tliose dog. J. M. 
don't love dogs, and says I am a fool. And 
that immense skating woman who bore down 
on me so vehemently, I never shall look upon 
her face again — and I never want to ! 



CHAPTER XX. 

Boston Betsey's ''Brick/' oi ''Brick's*' Bktskt. 

/^,Jt FOUXD her in Boston. Betsey Jerusha 
^i/f^ Jones — in three vohimes iUustrated. 
*^"' I thii*sted lor intellect. I hungered 
for beauty. I ached for charms. I required a 
gentle being with a mind like hoi*se billiards to 
scuide me throuirh this vale of steers. I went to 
Boston to find my love. I found her. She 
was a school teacher, who drew seven dollars a 
month for spanking the rule of three into the 
vulgar fractions eonlide<.l to her charge, and for 
adding accomplishments as 'twere to the result 
of othei*s' muhiplication I Figuratively speak- 



''Brick's'' Betsey. 177 

ing. After school was disbanded for tho 
day, we walked out to the beach. Birch by 
day and the beach by night. 

My love was beautiful. She was of tho 
New England t^^e. She was j^i/re-itanical. 
Thus worshipped I her, the most beautifulest 
ant in the sugar bowl. 

And she made both ends meet by skin- 
ning eels. She was a most exalted and tri- 
umphant eel skinnist. Tho Massachusetts girls 
teach schools and skin eels for the market. 
Said I, "Betsey, if it's not a-skin too much, 
let me go out with thee and aid in thy toils, 
and see thee divest eel of cuticle. She said, 
yea. I went. Sh© had a hooked nose. She 
had three hoops — at regular intervals. She 
was Massachusetts schoolmarm. She was old 
maid. She understood all of Daboll but the 
multiplication. She had never been on the 
multiply ! Oh, no ! And she could skin eels 
faster than the devil could catch a fiddler. 



ITS ''JSrii^k's'' BeUet/. 

By the beach we sat. She skinned eels for 
the not proceeds. We talkoil of love and sicb. 
She listened to my tale. She felt the moving 
of my plea; the burning eloquence thereof, so 
called. Said I — 

"Oh! Betsey, poein' its yeou, I lovo yeou, I 

sweow. I wouldst be thine. I would share thy 

cot, and 

' Dream I sleep -with thee, love,' 

AVouldst be mine ? I am a stranger, Betsey. I 
am not aged, but on the contrary, am agile as 
those eel. I will offer thee all I have. 1 would 
be thus to thee. I would crawl out of myself 
as those eel crawls out of his undei'shirt in thy 
hands, and be thine onlyest." 

She took up another eel. 

" Oh ! Betsey,- ' said I, as I hiid partly on the 
grass, partly in the lap of Betsey, with the slick- 
ery tails of her eels tickling my nose — " were 
you ever caressted by mortal ? " She said, no, 
and looked sidewise. 



"Briclc'8'' Betsey. 179 

She took anotlier eel. 

I tlien caressted lior. Said Bhe, " PraiBe the 
Lord, Init that is the first kis8 ever mortal man 
gave me." I asked Iier if she liked it? She 
said it war better nor spanking a young un, or 
skumin a big eel. She said she liked school- 
teaehing. It was better than a gymnasium. 
She said kissing was better than skinning eels. 
When a Massachusetts girl saj's that, you may, 
with the lambs on the hills, gamh)le that she 
liketh it with vehement muchness. 

The pale moon slid along overhead jast as 
easy ! It seemed to skin itself from under the 
fleecy clouds, as those eels skinned themselves 
from the fingers of my Betsey Jerusha. It set 
me to thinking she was something heavenly like 
the moon. Only she was a little plumper. It 
was a new moon. Kewer than Betsey, and a 
little slimmer. I conversed with Betsey. She 
had a little knife like a shoe knife. I would 
have thouglit her a shoemaker if she had carried 



ISO ''Brides'' BeUey. 

a cobbler's kitten and a waxed end. But she 
didn't. She skinned eels, chawed spruce gum, 
and tallvcd love. Said she — 

" What is your name ? " 

Asked wx, " The reverberating cognomen to 
which we respond ? " 

Said she, " Yes." 

Said we, " ' Brick ' Pomeroy." 

Then she asked us of our Western home. She 
wanted to know what State Illinois was in, and 
if Wisconsin was in the First or Second Ward 
of La Crosse. And she wanted to know if we 
had young ones in the West. We told her not 
many, yet ! Then she wanted to know if the 
Mississippi river had eels in it. We told her, 
nay. And she wanted to know if the people out 
in that barbai'ous region wore clothes every day, 
or only when they went sparking. And she 
w^anted to know how far it was from where we 
lived to a house. And she wanted to know if 
they spanked or ferruled youngsters in schools, 



''Brick's''' BeUey. 181 

and if we had schools. And she wanted to 
know if women dressed in bearskins or tilting 
hoops, which we suppose are all the same ! 
And she wanted to know if we had newspapers, 
and could read and write, and had ever heai-d 
of Anna Dickinson. And she wanted to know 
if it was not terrible living so far from Boston ! 

Then I carcssted her and kissed her so sweetly. 
And she twined the eel skins in a garland and 
wreathed them about our neck as she sat there 
in maiden meditation fancy free, like a box of 
No. 11 boots. Then we said — 

''Oh ! Betsey Jerusha, thou hast spokenest 
with wisdom. I will converse with thee, elastic 
nymph. I am a barbarian. "We are all bar- 
barians in the West. I am an ignorant but well- 
meaning whelp. We are all ditto in the West. 
I wear bearskins in the West — ^we all ditto in 
that country. We have no houses, but live in- 
tently without them as 'twere. We have no 
carriages for either male or female, so called. 



1 82 '' BncFs - Betsey. 

But I can love thee. I can hold thee to mine 
own. I will surround thee Avitli all the luxuries 
we have in that land of darkness, for the sun 
never rises in the AVest ! " 

Said Betsey, as she playfulh^ slung the hide 
off from another conquered eel, " Deu tdl ! '* 

I wanted information, and thus we dia- 
logued : 

*' M}' Betsey Jerusha, lu\st much of parents ? " 

" Yes, Brickuel, I have two parents and four 
ante-parents." 

"Wliatdiddesttheydo?" 

"My nia taught school and skinned eels, 
and my tather was an eel-catcher and a silver- 
tongued politician." 

*' now many hoys canst spank in a day ? " 

" I have spanked twenty-seven in an hour, and 
it wan't a good hour for spankiu, either ! " 

'' And eels ! How many eels canst thou peel 
in a day. Tell me, thou educator of the world ? " 

" Well, now, that is a pretty right smart of a 



" BriGh's " Betsey. 183 

question ! I guess I can skin six a minute. I 
skin 'em and sling 'em over my shoulder into 
that are tub, and kin keep one in the air all 
the time, and I ain't much of a skinnist, 
nuther I " 

" Does it hurt the eel ? " 

" Why, of course it kills the eel ! But that is 
his fault. If he'd had his skin put on t'other 
side out 'twouldn't hurt 'm any ! 'Twould have 
slid off itself? It's our doctrine in Kew Eng- 
land to have things conform to our notions, 
even if the eels we skin don't like it. You see 
tliis is the liub ; and the eels have no rights 
that we, the skinners, are bound to respect!" 
and into the air she plaj^ully tossed another 
yard of subdued, quivering agony ! 

Says us — 

" Do you skin 'em for fun or for profit ? " 

Betsey said it was for both. There was money 
in it, and it was fun to see them squirm, for they 
had no business to be eels, and to come to Kew 



184 ''Brick's'' Betsey. 

England in the spring and fall for what they 
wanted. And tlms Betsey tanght me to love. 
Gentle, Christianized Betsey ! 

And I kissed her. And I Imgged her there, 
then. And I told her she should be happy. 
And that she should have eels to skin forever. 
That I'd have 'em made on purpose ! Then she 
smiled and said she'd be mine, so called, if I'd 
agree to find her in eels ; to find young ones for 
her to spank ; to let her come once a year to hear 
the big organ and rock her baby in the cradle of 
liberty ; to let her kiss every nigger she saw ; to 
let her spend half her time in peddling tracts 
and making flannel shirts for babies in Africa, 
and would do my best to extend the blessed 
gospel and the likeness of Ben. Butler in the be- 
nighted region beyond the hub. 

I consented to all she wanted of me except the 
nigger. On that I was firrum. So was Betsey. 
Slie said "nigger, or single blessedness." She 
said they were her pets. I told lier I was a 



''Brick's'' Betsey. 185 

Democrat. Oh, gracious! She straightened up 
till her corsets snapped like a pistol ! I thought 
she had gone off! But she hadn't. She was 
there yet. Said she, as she scrunched an eel in 
her hand, and waved her peeling machine over 
her head: 

" You a Democrat ! Marry a Democrat ? Go 
'way ! Git eout ! Don't tech me ! Oh, you 
great, ugly Western man ! Take your arm away 
from around my intellectual breast! Oh! you 
great, ugly, Western man ! I'd skin you like an 
eel ! Oh, git eout ! Hise your hoary locks from 
that ere lap ! I'll take my eels and fly from your 
advances! Marry a Democrat? I'm no such 
woman! Oh! you great, big, red-whiskered, 
gray-headed, savage, unrefined, uncultivated, 
uneddicated, big, nasty man ! How dare you 
talk to me % I'd die first, and then I wouldn't ! " 

x\nd she done as Joseph did in the night, and 
went off into Egypt, leaving me in a bed of eel- 
skins. And now I'm a gone nutmeg, a busted 



186 



'BncJc^a '' 7AY.SVV/. 



what -^loyou-cnll-it. Vvo lost luy Betsey Jeruslia, 
:\!ul lunst live in llio West, bevoiul tlie eels aiul 
sehool-nijinn eharnis of hor I so adored, tor ns 
of the West are not of the eel-ite. 

Thine, nnskinned, 

'' BmOK " POMEROY. 




CTIAPTEK XX r. 
IIow TO Ijvy Oil Landh. 



Nekdeep, Mud Co\:sty, Va., 
March 20, 



y^;^4'# 



'iTY, Va., ) 
), 18G5. f 



!JA'()IU) blcRB yon, ])ut tlic rain did 



coino 



V'^^>^ down, juid tho mud did corno ii[), and 
at timoB tlio current of con vernation 
would 1)0 stopped l)y a vehement damn, an Bpat- 
tem'ngs of Virginia mud would he thrown half- 
way down a poor fellow'B throat, aB our party 
nirjgle filed along, through the miry clay on 
toward the oil region. 

Oil on the hralri ! IIow are you, " Peter 



Iv^S How to Buy OUIofui^, 

CMoum?" Uii^ht smart — ^glad tor to hear you 
aro able to ixot out ! 

The olty ot' Now York, or tho i^ottloinont of 
uuijoilline^, ditiors a wliolo mo^s from tho oil 
roirion. If you aiv uubeliovors aud not disposed 
to take st(.vk in this assertion, cvMue ye out and 
try it. Risk your life. Purehjise mourning for 
your friends, if your ticket is by tlie Camden and 
Amlxn- line o{ cvthns. Eat doir sausaire and 
benevolent h:\sh at railroad eating-lunisos ; force 
niuddv iuico of burnt rve and velUnv beans down 
your throat, and think it is eotiVv : spear chunks 
of fat pork as they swim n.nnid in an e;\rthen 
bivsin tilled with hot larvi oi^iug out of the dirty 
cracks thereof; sleep on mud llo^-^i-s with hoirskiu 
Siiddle for pillow ; drink corn whiskey so new that 
you CiUi actually ftH}l the corn silk in it, as, like 
a drunken torchlight procession, it winds down 
tlie throat; eat bread heavy enonah to nnike 
into nail hammers, and curse the country Kvause 
fine t^x>th combs cannot l>e purchased at tho 



JJcrij) to Buy OU Jjw/Ih. 1 80 

gror;cric«. I bIiouW say ISew York diffored from 
tlie oil re^'onfl, yet it is roal fun to Hkirrnifth 
about here, lookiric^ for tlio main chan<^;o, and 
profipef'.tin^^ fV)r indlcationn of the ^m;at fluid. 

When T made nj) my mind to vinit tlie oil 
regions, a Jittle note waH H<-;nt to my Arin Jane, 
telling her tijat noon after dark };f;;ran to dawn 
on all things here below, bIjo would Ijoar t}je 
door-bell. The door-bell meant me. Ann Jane 
received the letter, and got hers^^lf up in style. 
There may l->e Bweetcr girls than her, but fthe 
will do. Oh, yefl, fihe will, and I know it. lie- 
gardlcfiB of taste or expense was my toilet ma/le. 
Like a night-blooming cereus looked I. Aetive 
as an ant on a hot griddle I advaneed up the 
steps to her brown-stone front, rang the boll, and 
went irj. We met the usual way — so the report 
said. Talk about new mown hay, sweet cream, 
a love of a bonnet, or a new baby, that dear Ann 
Jane is so much sweeter than all them, it is a 
wonder they existeth. 



100 How to Buy Oil Land^. 

We sat on the sofa. Her father was a wealthy 
man ; but had sold short that day, and was not 
extensively well. Economy is a good thing. 
Ann Jane and I sat on the sofa. AYe turned 
the gas do^vni low for economy. I had on pat- 
ent leather boots, with red tops and yellow silk 
straps, rather elegant pants, and a large bunch 
of other clothes, with a greatness of candy in 
pockets. AVe talked — Ann Jane is a good con- 
versationer. I told her that oil was what oiled 
me. In childhood's balmy days aunty always 
gave me oil, with happiest effect, and I must 
have more. Ann Jane coincided. We ate up 
the candy, which seemed to grow weary of its 
perpetual sweetness, as the two lips of my stu- 
dent in economy rewai'ded me from time to time 
with the sweetest — never mind though, now. 

I started. With clai'ion notes the roostei*s 
escorted me to the cars. Like a man going to 
his grave, I entered cars, first looking to the 
priming of my life and accident insurance policy. 



Uow to Buy Oil Lands. 



191 



And such a wliole parcel of thingSr asr I had to 
travel with ! Peruse the list, brave volunteers of 
Peter ! 



Black bag for things, . 1 
Comb for the hair, . . 1 
Brush for the hair, . . 1 
Shirts for the body, . raany 
Toothpicks for the 

teeth, .... several 
Handkerchiefs to use, . 1 
Perfumery to smell, . lots 



Slippers for feet, . . . 
White vest for parties, . 
Patent-leather boots for 

style, 

Kid gloves for hand. 
Late novels, . . . . 
Several other things, . . 



Not much baggage, but considerable what 
there was of it. The conductors on the rail- 
roads kindly allowed us to ride in safety, great- 
ly to the disappointment of many people. 

We all arrived in Virginia to find the sa- 
cred soil thereof dotted with oil hunters. Af- 
ter a fine sleep on the floor, waiting for the 
bed to grow empty, morning broke. After 
breakfast, mounted on much horse, I started 
for oil regions. Horses in Yirginia are horses, 



192 How to Buy Oil Lcuids. 

I know they are not oxen, for of liorns tliej 
have none, and their tails grow bushy. They 
are fast animals. Seated on top of one of 
them, I had no trouble in making two miles 
an hour toward a corn crib. Once, I actu- 
ally passed a yoke of old oxen, hauling a little 
old man, a fat old woman, a bundle of corn 
stalks, and jug of corn w^hiskey, on an old 
bob sled. Fact ! Virginia horses deserve pre- 
miums, for what they lack in legs they make 
up in ribs. Some of them have two eyes, 
and sometimes may see a currycomb — doubt- 
ful if they ever feel one, however. And the 
saddles! they give tender recollections which 
even now stir up the feelings! They don't 
some steal horses in Virginia as much as in 
other States. In fact, it would be a dan- 
gerous job if the pursuer happened to travel 
on foot. And this is my opinion of Virginia 
horses ! Selah. 

There are many things oil will buy, so we 



How to Buy Oil Lcmds, 193 

wanted a whole mess of it. In order to make 
a good impression before getting on tlie back 
of the fleet steed, whose apt name was " Bony," 
so the livery delegate said, I took advantage 
of the crowd, and with camphor, ice, and co- 
logne, made myself handsome to the smell, 
with a flask (in which to bring back samples 
of oil), I '' elevated " myself to the new po- 
sition, and set gently forth. The horse had 
a gait ; a plain, austere, radical gait enough 
to bring a hoss-tear from his rider. 

Bravely 1 struck out. Through the mud of 
Western Virginia went I like the solitary horse- 
man with several other mounted roosters going 
up a long hill ; over the tumble in bridges ; 
through the tumble in bridges ; wading the 
very wet creeks ; sticking fast in the aflectionate 
mud ; past houses resembling the first efforts of 
a school-boy at architecture on a slate. I smelt 
of the mud ; tasted the water ; felt of the rocks ; 

soaked my handkerchief in the creek ; looked at 
9 



194 How to Buy Oil Lands. 

the houy logs of my bony lioi'sc to see if tliey 
were greasy from his boring the mud with half- 
shood hoofs ; asked man}'' men if oil did abomid 
there or tlioroabouts ; propounded questions to 
many ^vomen, and patted a considerable of Vir- 
ginia children on the head, and inquired for oil 
territory, indications and developments. 

At last, after the sun had concluded to retire, 
and after I had sullered on the top of that horse 
for seven horn's, and ridden, if you call it riding, 
eleven miles as the chap said, back to Widow 
Gartan's barn, I rode up to a log mansion built 
out-dooi-s against a big mud chimney. The 
liorse stopped very easy ; in fact, stopping was 
his be>t irait. I made friends with live doi]:s and 
rapped on the open door. ^ 

'* Come in," says a man. 

" Thank yon," says I. 

" Yes, come in," said a woman. 

" All ! yes, thank yon," said I. 

" Get out," said the man. 



How to Bicy OIL Lands. 195 

" Get out," said the woman. 

The five dogs left-wheeled, and got out at a 
very vehement double bIow. 

" Good year for dogs. Nicest lot of dogs I 
have seen. 

"Right smart dogs, stranger," said the old 
man. 

"Right smart dogs," said the old woman. 

I took a chair, a very fine one, made of an 
old nail keg, and looked. If the house had 
one more room, there would have been two 
rooms in it. The man was a quaint old roost- 
er, well out of his pants, all around and at 
each end. His head was high, and his forehead 
so broad, that it ran clear to the nape of his 
neck. lie had grown clear through his hair, 
and was heavy on smoking native tobacco in a 
red clay pipe. 

There was more of his wife than of him, by 
a wheelbarrow full. He was slim. She did not 
slim a bit. lie was tall. She had never tailed 



190 How to Buy Oil Lands. 

mncli. His arms were long. And it was a 
good thing, for he never could have hugged 
his wife alone, had they not been long. Her 
arms were short. She did not need long arms 
to hug him. O Nature, how kind you are in 
such cases ! And she had such short taper 
toes — ten of them all together; and there was 
no squeak to her footsteps as she glided 
about the room like a thing much of liie. 
When he spoke, she spoke ; when he talked, 
she always followed suit, playing the left bower 
on his right. She clinched his conversation by 
repeating it. She varnished his talk by endors- 
ing it. She walked the house and always en- 
dorsed what the major said. Every man in 
Virginia is an officer. I always salute a man 
as colonel in that coimtry. Other folks say 
"Mister." "Mister" is too thin, and folks say 
the man who calls other folks plain "Mister" 
is from Vermont ! 

Stretching legs before a singing fire, we had 



How to Buy OIL Lands. 197 

the following conversation, the better half being 
always on hand to clinch things. 

" Can I get to stay here to night \ " 

" Reckon not, unless your boss ken stand it 
outside and go hungry." 

"JSTo corn?" 

" !N'ot a corn, stranger. The home guard took 
ray corn." 

" Any oil about here % " 

" Eight on this farm." 

" Ah ! how much land have you here \ " 

" Well, there is a right smart of land. You see 
I own a lot here, and my old Aunt Elizabeth, 
who had a boss run away with her five years ago 
when she was riding down to the court-house to 
see the sheriff who was one of the dodrottedest 
meanest men that ever got elected into office, 
which he never would have done if Bill Mason, 
who nm agin him, had not had a pojver of 
money and more friends — for Bill's father owned 
the tavern on the forks, and him and Tom Cowler 



19S How to Bhij Oil Lands. 

were thick us bees ever since Hob Joncj^ had the 
scrimmage with Hank Jenk^; abont the olii blind 
mare which Hank soUl to Tom's tatlier, and 
which was stolen by some cussed thief the night 
of the law-suit between 

*' (tet out I'' to a red dog whicli wa^ coming in 
tlio door. 

*'Get out?" yelled the old woman, and out 
went the dog. 

"How much land did you say you had here, 
Colonel i " 

" Oh, right smart, altogether. There was five 
hundred acres on the Spring farm ; but the ohl 
man sold it olf the range to Colonel Black the 
spring the coloneFs wife died — thaid^s to the 
inchronicus disease which seemed to drive her 
into consumption even after the Colonel had got 
her three dozen bottles of Cod's liver oil in Bal- 
timore, whicJi I don't believe would cure a dog, 
and I don^t care what ailed him ; and all the 
neighbors say so, except Scpair Jacobs, who says 



1 1 Oil) l<> linij ()'d Laiidn. 100 

Ijo Ii:i<J a w'wA'W vvlio liad a riglit bmurt of iMruin^ij 
and <ln)V(! a hcIkjoI wlicn nlie wanj'l- hul j*lHlri;jr 
onto iiiiiot(;(;M ycai'B in Uio lo/_^ H(;1iooI-))OIj:-,(5 vvItJi 
ili(; window out, junt a.4 yon [ia.s.H by wliwo l.'uno 
J>ick JiaH \r<)\, \\\) a hlaokbrnitJi b1jo[> wli(;n; |j(; will 
bIioc a liorBO ia lebs than no liino " 

'' y(;H, T know, I)If;k. Arirl liow many acres 
Jiavc joii nowT' 

"Oil, there Ib right nrnart of land, and J don't 
care to Bell it now, for John irj ofJ* lighting into 
the fii'niy, and me and the old wonuin hav(; all we 
can do to makf; a living \\{',vi',^ and havf; to work 
evcjry day, ex(;ej>t on(;e in a whih; W(; get a jng 
of the creature and jjave a re.-.t, hut Tor w]jir;h — 

"Get out, yoii pehky hrute," baid the old uv.m. 

"Get out, you nasty liound," naid tJi(; old 
wojnan ab bhe aimed a wofjden [)oker Ji,t a 
brindle dog, who wab helping himbclf to a piece 
of corn-bread. The dog got out! 

"Well, Colonel, what are the chances for find- 
ing oil on the property about liere \ " 



iJOO Row to Buy Oil Lanih\ 

*' Oh, riii'ht smart, I ivckoii. You soo, down on 
tlio bottom, loiii;" in the t^iimmor, there is the pe- 
eiiliarist smell, and 1 allei*s kiunved it >vas some- 
tiling ; and now I know it is oil, tor Bob lSpeai*s 
sohi his tarm on the run above here, and the men 
what bores it now has got two wells onto the 
lower lot, and Squire Barnard savs the show is 
jest as good on my farm as on Speai-s' tarm : and 
the squii*e is right powert'ul on larnin', and went 
to school twenty years ago, when he was a boy, 
and sparkin' Porothy Slawson, wliose father was 
killed in the row he had with Ihll Ransom, after 
he shot Bill's ivd heifer." 

' What do you eall your land worth. Colonel ^ 
cash down soon as you can make out tlie papei's." 

"AVell, stranger, it wants a right power ot' 
money to get this ere land now, for nie and the 
old wonuiTi has got seven hundred and nineteen 
acres here, and as there can be put ten wells on 
each acre, and each well will give a hundiwl bar- 
rels olL oil, and as oil is worth 81^ a barrel, I am 



How to Buy Oil Lands. 201 

figuring up how mucli me and the old woman 
will be worth, and if you want the farm for what 
it figures up for a year and a half or two years, 
just say the word, and me and the old woman 
will sell it to you for half what it's worth, and 
you can have the house to live in, and me and 
the old woman will take the dogs." 

" Yes, me and the old man will take the dogs, 
for they are right smart dogs," said the old 
woman. 

"Well, let's see, ColoneL Seven Imndred and 
nineteen acres ; ten wells to the acre ; seven 
thousand one hundred and ninety wxlls — one 
hundred barrels to a well — seven hundred and 
nineteen thousand barrels — fifteen dollars a bar- 
rel — makes ten million seven hundred and 
eighty-five thousand dollars, no cents. I'll take 
the property. Colonel." 

" Now, stranger, you figger so fast — all them 

fellers what figgers in their heads kinder beata 

me somehow — that I am fear'd you ain't right ; 
9* 



'ft02 Uoir to nuij Oil Ltfuh'. 

i\\\d Mi\"in, vou (I'uliri li:'::\»M- It l>u( \'ov otu> \vi\\\ 
Mild tho ImuiI is uorlh ri;';li( snmrl \\\ovo tl»:ni 
lli:il ; but (ho sums ihnt nu^ iwxd \\\o t>Kl \M>u\;ni 
<K\ tlou't i-ouu^ t»ut nliko nil tl\o tiuu\ so I'll luivt^ 
Squiro r>;iru:n\l tli»;;-i>r it tor nu\ boiui:; jis vou'rt> 
a i:i(rju\i:;or ; .muiI it' ho ti«;-ii;oi*{^ it as vou (h\ and 
vou Mill nuiki* it tor two vojirs, nu> juul tlu^ i>Kl 
wouiMU will soo iiboiit it." 

'* Vos, wo'll soi^ about it," said tlu' oi>nsort. 

*' AVoll, C'olout^l, havo vou auv of vour tii2:ur 
iui;- (^notioiuiv an v>hl slato, I'ovortHJ \vith ti^Minvs, 
han^-iui;' on a nail ilrovt^ in a j;nub\ that I oouhl 
look it ovor and soiOiow it oouiparos Avith niiiu>^'' 

" (^li, yos, n»o aiul tluM>hl wiMuan (h>n't ilo 
notliinj;- in tho day tinios but ti>:;i::or m>w, ami 
you i\^st run your t\vo ovta- this i^handiui;- mo tho 
slato\and sih^ how it I'omparos with yi>ur brains." 

1 took tlu> slato, whioh was all ri^ht, oxoopt Ji 
oorutM- was i;-oni\ and found wlua-o he liad " tii^- 
j;,iM'od " witli a pit\'0 of st>t1 stont^ in litni o( i\ 
pouoil, aij follows : 



How to Buy OIL La/ndH. l*03 



110 
10 

009 
119 

1199 
15 

11995 
5575 

08745 
100 

68745 
68745 



662.695 
119 

17841205 
6621695 
6621695 



in>i How to Buy Oil lands. 

\\'\^ tiguiw^ woiv soniowhat '* imvliorout,'' 
not to 5i:n liitih, so I b:ulo tho old ooiiplo gvKHl- 
d:iv, uunintcxl that hoivo, and tikirniishod on to 
tho noxt stoppini:; plaoo. 





CIIAPTKlt XXil. 




A CjIICKKN SmT. 

XDAY forenoon lliere camo of!' Lo- 
^7 foif; i'olicc Judge IlubbanJ, in La 

^('''■^'-H (jroHB(i, another law nuit, llio partir;- 
iilarB of wliich are as followB: 

iteinhardt JfeudrickK, on the J Ylli of Septeinf^er, 
1860, brought Buit against " Brick " Porneroy, to 
recover pay for two ro<'ifiterfi hhot by the de- 
fendant with a revolver, the ehickeriH belonging 
lo the i>laintlfr, to tlie vjilue of fifty eentB each. 
Througli the kindnesB of the judge the case haw 
Ijcon adjourned from week to week till th(i 
return of the defendant from an electioneering 



20(> A Chicken Suit. 

tour in Indiana, This morning the case came 
otV, Ex-Mayor lion. James I. Lvndc3 being the 
counsel for tho prosecution, the deteiuhmt ap- 
pe:u'ing in his own behalt*. 

Tho court-room was crowded, for the idea of 
trying an editor for stealing or shooting cliickcns 
was a novelty. Tho plaintiif brought in his bill, 
swore to its correctness, tcstilied that he owned 
the chickens, that they were raised by a hen be- 
longing to him, that he saw the defendant shoot 
tliem, that he had repeatedly jisked tlio defendant 
to settle for them, and failing to get pay or 
satisfaction, he wjis compelled to bring suit, and 
asked for judgment of one dollar, and costs. 

The defendant admitted sliooting the chickens, 
and proved by four reliable witnesses the fol- 
lowing facts : 

In April, ISOO, the defendant owned a fast- 
running trick mare, ** Kitty," whicli animal 
was kept in a stable hired by him, and cared 
for by one of his employe's. Through a little 



A (Jhiclcen Hail. 207 

hole in tlie l>arn or niahlo tlio plaintifTH hcnn 
would fly in and cat oats intended for tlie 
maro "Kitty," and on tlic; approach of any 
one would fly out. Jn an old barrel in the 
Btablc, one of the hcnn, a black one, made her 
ncBt, laid thiileen c^^h therein, and proceeded 
to raise a family. "When the hen got ready to 
Bet, the defendant inBtnictcd the boy who took 
care of his marc to go down town, purchaBO 
thirteen eggs of J. W. J^>}>inB<^jn <S: (Jo., groccrB, 
and ])Ut them irj the nest, firHt removing th(; 
other cggH. The boy did bo, as waB proved. 
Jle then pcrBonally drove the hen out of the 
Btablc a dozen times or more — ho tried to make 
her leave — bIio would not, but y)rocecded to in- 
cubate liiB eggs, duly bought and paid for, 
without his consent, leave, or license, after re- 
peated efforts on his part and by his agents to 
have her vacate his premises. And, further, 
when the hen had hatched the eggs, she ran 
away with his chickens, eleven in number, two 



liOS A Chtckai Suit 

eggs not producing cliiekens. To her Bervicca 
he brought iui oli'set, tlic use of stable and board 
bill in the shape of oats — he charged lier "with 
tlio two egg's she spoiled, and demanded judg- 
ment for the balance of the Hock, nine in num- 
ber, at lifty cents each. And, besides, he proved 
tliat the chickens did not belong to that hen, 
as she was bhick, while the chickens were red 
or speckled ! Hendricks has sued all his neigli- 
boi*s for some little tritling matter half-a-dozen 
times each during the past two veal's. 

After a patient heiu'ing, the judge decided 
that there was no cau^> of action, and that 
the defendant was entitled to the other nine 
chickens, and the plaintilf must pay the costa 
of the suit, amounting to seventeen dollars and 
thirty-seven and a half cents. 



r^. 



CIIArTEU XXIIJ 



Ah A Pic-Nic-isT. 

dj'JmP^^ a Pic-Nic-Ist I liavc reached! 

^^^^ It was a calm, liot inoniin<^, about 
^^^^>-^ the lialf of July, l-SOT. TJie weather 
was all that could be debired with forty-seven 
degrees plus. I may say it was in a melting 
mood, with several meltings over. And why 
not, when such is thus? 

Eulelia Jane said it was too hot to keep cool, 
and that we must go to a Pic-XIc for the benefit 
of the church. I asked Eulelia, if it was for the 
benefit of the church, wliy go forth when it 
was so d — readfully hot. Said Eulelia, " Don't 



210 As a Flc-Mc-ist. 

swear," and I sweared not any. ^Iien she said 
it was to teach ns that hot places should be 
shunned. And so we went. 

I am much fond of them — I mean Pic-Nics. 
Base-ball is good for exercise, but nothing com- 
pared to Pic-Nic. It is a good way to have 
cheap amusement — and much of it — at light 
expense. Eulelia is a sickly plant. She needs 
the fresh air. Being a stout cherub, I often go 
out with her to get a little air. 

After breakfast we started for the Pic-Nic — 
Eulelia Jane and I. The sun was suffused with 
blushes, and Eulelia Jane was 

Beautiful as a flutterby, 

And none could compare 
With my pretty little charmer 

And her rich, wavy hair. 

I knew the sun was in love with my fi*agile 
pet, else why those burning glances as we 
passed? Eulelia Jane carried a parasol and 
hymn-book. The Pic-Nic was on church ac- 



As a Pic-Nic-ist. SU 

count. I was proud as the first roasting ear of 
this loveliness. IIow my heart and things 
warmed to her as we went forth. We were going 
to a Pic-Nic. I took along a few little things to 
use at the Pic-Nic. Merely a few little things 
that Eulelia Jane might want. There was not 
much, as all the men took a little something. 
All I had to take was Eulelia's poodle and a dog 
to guard it, a few eatables, and implements to be 
used for the Pic-Nic ; two hams, a case of crack- 
ers, ten loaves of bread, nine bottles of catsup, 
sixteen boxes of sardines, seven custard pies, a 
jug of cold coffee, a box of lemons, ninety-three 
cucumbers, a quart of pepper-sauce, a box of 
raisins, nuts, and candy; some cold tongue, a 
block of ice, some few chunks of dried beef, a 
basket of champagne, an axe, two hatchets, crow- 
bar, spade, rope ladder, a Sunday-school library 
of books, fifty palm-leaf fans, a pew-cushion to 
keep Eulelia from taking cold, two hundred feet 
of rope for a swing, keg of spikes, water-pails, 



212 As (I PiC'Nic-ist. 

and other articles of bigotry and *' virtue," in- 
cluding a iniu'ble-top table, and fixings for an 
amateur base-ball game. 

Did I say Eulelia was lovely \ 1 essy, yessy ! 
She was sweeter lUau any other Avoman, and 
tliere was more <}i her. JSlie was an oidy child ! 
But she was much ! It is good to have something 
to lean against. So she said we would go forth 
to Pic-Nic. So everybody went. That is wl\y 
WO had a good time. 

It is only four niik^s to the sylvan grotto 
where rural felicity had secreted himself. Rural 
felicity ! Them is the feller ! 

Eulelia went iirst, and 1 followed her with the 
tilings. I liave been told tliat we wanted for 
nothing. Ihit we did. I wanteil a. liorse to 
aid me in totin.g things. It was a hot day, or 
there would have been no need of Pic-Nic. 
AVe walked four miles, Eulelia ahead, and I 
carrying and drawing the things. I']ulelia is 
playful. She got oif a pun at which all the 



A.s a J*ic-NioAHt. 313 

otIicrB Brrjilod Beverely. Slio nald J wa9 f^ood at 
drawiiif^I I should Bay bo. So would any ono 
be wlio had my load. 

"Wo went to the top of a high hill to get a 
breeze I Eulelia said it would bo cooler there. 
That was what wo sought, and perBpirod becauBo 
we found it not. It was a high hill. On the 
brink of a precipice. There waB ono tree thoro. 
'J'lio breeze, therefore, had a fair Bvv(;ef). At ton 
o'clock we reached the summit. Ab an activi- 
tost I bore good repute. Two mih^H dintant, in 
the woods, at the foot of the hill, was a cool 
spring. Being a nice, good-natured, active, 
little man, I was sent for water. Eulelia said 
1 could go juBt as well as not. She takes pride 
in my agility. I did not hear the suggestion. 
Eulelia lifted up her voice. I heard and went. 
No gentleman will contradict his wife I 

Them other fellers said they would fix things, 
and I might rest by going for water. I went 
down the hill at the peril and danger of my lifo 



1>H )^^Pu^M.^U 

— "\v]\:\t wn.< lofV, Aiul I \\'m\ siu']\ a i^lonj^nnt 
tiuio ^Mtinjj bnck. Two ]VuU t'liU o( wator — 
not II vlrv joko, olso why this poi'spinuiott t T 
ouJovihI t!\ii» rijio in tho worhK i\nd thnnkod 
Kulolirt tor tho ?;uno. 

AVhou I rot\irnod with wntor thi^y hiu\ tixinl 
thinjjs, Thov woiv 5^0:110^ 011 tlio ixnu^s, nnihn* 
the twv. Tho v^hiivt wns nv> n\vMV. Tho ioo h\y 
w oopin;: in tho sn!\. KuK^]i:i j^^\id it niniio it 
jiivni ovvUt ! Aiid sho said if tho i^v nioltixi I 
wouUl irx> h:U'k t'or moiv. 8:uriU'ion$ sylph ! 
Novor oontn\diot yonr wito! 

IVi^tty !k>on wo h:ul dinnor. KnU^lin si\id T 
could ^>t hmch Wttor tluxn any othor nnn. Tlio 
other loUors ^d so. Thoy ^'\t in tho shade, 
^niAAliiniT t\ies, w]\iU> 1 sproj\vi tor hmoh. The 
niarhhvtop tj^^U^ oanio lij\!\dy. 

I as>kt\i ono v>t* tho i^>ntlenuM\ if ho wonhl 
0}H>n the Sivnlintx? jw\d ont the K^n\ons. Ho was :\ 
i:^>ntK>n\an, and rentarkeii — 

** V\\ siv vou in iir?t ! ** 



Jji a I* in Nic-'lnt. 216 

If(; W.'IH a playflil f]iJ'-lc. J OjW;n(:'l tlir; HanlhicH 
hiif, liirrj ! 'I'll'-, folkn huid i wan a nic/; 
rriJU), Ko kind an'J a^r(;(;ahlr; ! 

W(; li.vj a fill'; <linij<;r. J ha<J wliat, wjj-h I';1'L 
'i'lj<;n ]']ul<:lia pi'Oj,o;':<:'] IJjal wo liav*-. a i-wiiif.^ 
erected. 

iieinpr a i''|>»'y »nan, I had t,o (-liifjl) a t,n;c t,o 
adjtiiit tin; ropcH. ft wau't tlj<; dihtari':'; uj;, hiit 
it waH tli<^ roij^WincHH- vr;ry liard on w<;arifj^^ 
a|>j>an;l. At la;-,t I Wvj-A t}j<: rof>r;H. 'Jlio r^winfj; 
WttW too low. Jt <\{-,i.in/<-(\ on tjio ^M'oufjd. 

ii(;Iri^^ a /rjari of rnij:-,rjr;j and r;xi>f;rt in \.\i<: nm 
of* j>I(;kaxf.*, f had to ^^rij|> a trench. f'iUleh'a Hald 
1 c^'juM do it qiiick<;r tiian any otficr rnan, and — 
no gentlornari will c/jntradict IiIh wife! 

J ])ick(Ml and 'Aiowi'AcA for thrco UotirH, and at 
laHt removed r;nou|.di roekn U> htart the hwiii!/. 
Wc luul a ^^ood ti/nf;. it in inrj to bwin|.^ 

Trend J I n^ la ^(j(j<\. My trenck waw wide and 
docpj tliat the lioopH rni^^ljt clear. 10ul(;lia kIjo 
tried it. I'onr of UH bteadied \i<-r ifjto the con- 



210 ^i*' a /\K--Xic-ist, 

trivanoo. Wo ]>iilK\l hor baok, liko the cook to 
jui old mus^kot, and thou lot lior i;\>. Sho wont 
tlirouirU tho nil' liko a huinmin^-bird — liko a 
fuirv. i boii'au siui^-ini;' — 

" Soo I oh. soo mv tloworl " 

AVhoii thoro w:i> a j^oroooli I Tho limb to whioli 
tho ropo was ta^^tonod tailovl to koop up. It 
laokod baokbono I It lot down, and Kidolia 
wa.< tast in tho tronoh. InMni;- vorv niodost, she 
would allow no ono bnt n\o to holp hor out ! 
1 worko^l two lunn*s onlarging tho tivnoli, and 
at. la^t rosouod hor. 

1 wanted hor to try it aii-ain, bnt sho fc^niilod 
swootly. and said ono platoful was enough. 
Uoinu* aotivo, I had to run down hill aiul baok to 
tho city tor arnioa lininiour. Kulolia wanted it 
I didn't ask hor what I'or. It was none of my 
business. Husbands, obey your wives I 

Exorcise is g-ood. 1 had enough that day. 
I iTot this tlowor and that tlowor. I olindH\i 



As a rir^-NirAnt. 217 

to tlir; top9 of trooH IIk(; a r(;fJ Hfjrilrn;] after 
Komethir)'.';. I wan lot flown tho [>n;cipif*,r} f>y 
a rojx; to hunt for oaglfjH' ncBtH. J wan Hont 
aflcr water, Ice, and hih^Ij tliingH, and Hoiiounly 
Iiurt my pantn in tlio hirdVriCBt bubincHfl. 

Jiut we had a deJi^djtful time. Biich a cool, 
plcaBarit time! Kulolia drank ho much lem- 
onade hIio was Bick. So J drew hor to the 
edge of the precipice in the little wa^'orj I }iad 
draf.^ged along, and let tljc ]>r(i(^7Ain fan her brow. 

The otherB couldn't wait, arjd they went. 
Eulelia wanted to Bee tlie moon rinc;. She haid 
it would be nice to look down and Bee it come 
up. So Bhe Bent me Ijome with the things, 
and told me to ]iurry hack for lier an Boon as 
I could, like a dear little man. Then she sat 
on the edge of the rock, her feet pointing to 
the hunting-grounds beyond La CroBse. In one 
hand she held her parasol, and in the other 
her book, while her pretty poodle bnoozed in 
her lap. 



21 S As a PiC'NiC'ist. 

Eulclia was happy — I knew it. The sun 
was sinking in the West. Tlic gnats and mos- 
quitoes were tuning their lyres and biting 
Eulelia''s nose, hut she was hound to see the 
moon rise. Kothing like a novelty. 

As I iravly swore niv wav down the rockv 
steep, I saw a picture. 

It wjis Eulelia on a rock, singing — 

•' I M'ant to be an Angel ! " 

Such a day of sport ! Let all who want fuu 
go to a pic-nic. 
Agilitiously Thine, 

"Brick" Pomeeoy. 




CHAPTER XXIV. 

" Brick " and the School-Marms. 



yj 



?EwUST full of them! 



\^^ Oh, son of mortal parents ! did you 
"" ever? Only think — half a regiment 

of school-marms on a visit to La Crosse! 
Who cares for business, for newspapers, for 
meals or lodging, wealth, playthings, or rai- 
ment; for are not the school-marms here on a 
visit to stay with and bless us three days — to 
tantalize us with their bright eyes, pretty faces, 
funny waterfalls, neat dresses, ripe lips, peachy 
cheeks, gentle manners — and — and — 



220 ''Brick " and the School-Marnis. 

" Oh I want to be an angel, 
And with a angel stand, 
Or sit along with school-marms, 
And hold 'em by the hand ! " 

If we go to the post-office, tliey are there I 

If we go to the bank, they are there ! 

If we wander forth to look for local items, 
behold, fifteen school-marms are there! 

If we flj to the bluffs, on our running horse, 
behold, they are there, looking for roses, and 
posies, to hold up to their noses ! 

If we wander forth where there is a crowd 
of youngsters playing with kites, behold more 
than a multitude of school-marms are there, 
like spiders waiting to pounce on their prey ! 

Go where we will, there are school-marms, 
and nine-tenths of our citizens are going crazy. 
Sweethearts here residing tremble when their 
lovers pause to look ; married ladies look their 
prettiest to retain their loves; and all the beard- 
less boys in town are wishing they were a 




'• Oh ! I want to be an angel, and with a angel stand, or 
sit along with schoolmarms, and hold 'em by the hand!" — 
Page 220. v ■ j^ 



''''BricW^ and the School-Marms. 221 

little older ! It's the school-marms. And fom*- 
fifths of them are Democrats, and things of 
beauty are joys forever. Selah! 

I'd like to be a school-marm — 

And wouldn't I if I could ? 
It's you love, they love, I love, 

How they make us all feel good ! 

Oh, Father of om* Country ! Beloved Wash- 
ington ! we look up to that smiling face so sadly 
beaming, and think how much you missed by not 
being at La Crosse ! And the noble patriots of 
the revolution, with their blood-stained banners, 
and their elastic step, and their pretty balmo- 
rals 

Confound it, here we are on the school-marms ! 

And where was Clay, and Webster, and 
Horace Greeley, and the founders of the Roman 
Empire ? They lived as do we, but they saw not 
the sights our eyesight has this day sighted — 
school-marms by the multitude. The names we 



222 '^Brick'^ aiid the School- Maoris . 

have quoted all belonged to men who have lived 
in history, but arc now dead ! They had friends, 
and they saw — such bright eyes and lips, just 
good enough for even the editors of the La Crosse 
Democrat to taste, and the prettiest mouth, and 
the most chai*ming na'ivcU, and the bewildering 
effect of 



Here we are, on the school-marms again ! 

The Constitution expressly says that taxation 
shall be equal — that the rights of States shall 
never be wrested from them — and that a people 
who have suffered long from evils unmentionable, 
shall have new unmentionables — and our white 
vest and well-shaved face, and a clean white 
handkerchief — then bring our new boots and 
switch-cane, that we may just step out a few 
moments 

Confound the school-marms! How can we 
write on politics now ? 

But to resume our seat at the desk. Here is 
a letter advising us to speak more boldly for 



^' Brick'''' and live School- Mar ms. 223 

repudiation. Well do we know that tlie war 
debt is a burden imposed for no good, but the 
people are willing dupes, running here, and — 
there goes four more school-marms, and I'd give 
just forty dollars in gold if that one witli tlie 
witching eyes and dark liair was my sweetheart, 
wlien I'd 

Wander forth by moonlig?it 

Alon;^ with tliat school-marm, 
And, golly, how I'd fight 

To shelter her from harm ! 

Now, how can a man write editorials to-day ? 
If we open a letter, tlicre is a school-marm with 
red lips, saying plain as possible, " Don't ! " 

And if we would make change in settling for 
something, there is, in the cash-box, another 
school-marm, with the sweetest mouth, seeming to 
say '^ Do." And you bet — ^no, you needn't bet — 
you'd lose ! 

And if we tear the wrapper from one of our 



oxoluuiiivs, bohold wo 5^00 TiotluUi;- but :i solioob 
Tunriu — 

Gay fts a butterfly, 

And nouo o:iu ooinparo 
WitJi ono little sohool-mann 
AVho iy\t riii'ht over there I 

Closo tho otVioo -shut tlio dooi*s — stop tho 
pivssos, opou no moro iu:uls. t'or tho sohool-m:\nus 
:uv horo I Lot biisinoss i^o to tho iloir^, and lot 
ovorvbodv hiwo a rost, that wo may gaze ou halt* 
a iVixiiuoT\t of iiirU, most ot' thom handsome. 
Oollv I Hon'i wo siiih tor tho uood ohl days, 
whon wo nsod to stay at\or sohool to swoop tho 
sohool-houso and kiss our teaohor. 



Onoe ♦ ♦ 


♦ 


# ♦ 


♦ ♦ remember 


* ♦ * 


Dt 


)i> # 


* pretty Jane 


Spelling-book * 


♦ 


♦ ♦ 


* * Dooeiuber 


♦ « 4t 


ail 


* * 


* Ouoe ftgaiu ! 


Go it, bofsl 


So 


liool-iuarius 


! talo 'em on the 



fiy! 



'yjirick " and the Sclwol-MmvuH. 225 

JuHt tJiink oi'it— liaJt" a regiiacut oi' liaiidHOirifl 
^irlH in La (yj-oHHC — all vlmtorB — all tlic obftcrvod 
of all ol)H(;rv('.rn all out to (Jonvontion. How 
irj.'uiy a lioart will follow^ tJicrrj Ijoirifi. 'J'ljoy will 
be piUarH of Hirn^kri l>y day and watorfallH of iiro 
by nl/_dit to load our La Oohbc boyH over llio 
country from Ik^hjc baBC8 t^^ otlior fioldfl. 

" Tell Lho " Hchool-inunfj;; ;Jl arouufl you 

not to do it. Toll tlKjrn not to tako prinonorH tlio 
onoB wlio riovcr naw huch boin^^H of beauty })C- 
foro. 

Egad, bow I'd like to bo Hchool-rnarmI 

I'd liko to bo a Kohool -rnarrn, 
And with the Bcyiool-marms 8tand, 
With a bad boy over a barrel 
And a spanker in nriy hand. 

And wlieri the exercises were over, bow the 
little younkeys would run home, Binding — 

** I would not live forever, 

I ask not to stay 
10* 



22f) ''Brick'' and the School-Marms. 

Whore an out-ot-pationoe school-marm 
Does tlimgs in that way!" 

AVouldu't it be lino to go to some of tlieso 
scliool-manns' temples and be set with the girls, 
and kept after school ! Some of tliem would 
witeliety-switclictj our little legs, and spank our 
little cai-s, and stand us on little dunce-blocks — 
oh, no ! 

" nigh over the hill-tops resounding, 
Come the notes of deeds begun I 
* Come out, Bill Jones, and take your pounding, 
For I saw you tickling Juha Plum.' 
So Bill comes out, his shirt and breeches 

Well shal^en by his trembling form, 
Andtlie school-marm larrups him with switches, 
Till his resting-place is awlul warm ! " 

You bet ! " Kow, Bill Jones, go to your 
seat, and keep your tingei*s away from Julia's 
ribs!" "Please, scliool-mann, may I go out?" 
"Hold your hush, what are you 'bout? TTliat 



^' Brick'''' and the Hchool^MwrrriH. 227 

you want to go for?" "' i'lcJiHo, ma'am, I can't 
tolJ." " 'J'ljcri kco]> your foot togetlicr, wliilo 
you Hpcll ! " 

We'd love 'cm — we'd take 'cm applefi, candy, 
bouquets, ncwspaperB witli love Btories lu, and 
we'd klKB them if tliey'd lot uh. Don't nay no — 

" Toar;h not tliy lips Kuoh scorn, for it vms made 
For kissinf,', lady, not for «uch contempt." 

And then all the other boys I wouldn't they 
be jealous ? Wouldn't the green one-eyed lob- 
sters gnash their teeth and refuse to learn 
their lessons ? 

" Ilcnce, jealousy ; thou fatal, lying fiend, 
Thou false seducer of our hearts, begone I " 

but don't take tlie school-marms, for — 

" I loved Ophelia (a school-marm). 
Forty thousand brothers could not 
With all their quantity of love do more ! " 

IIow truly did Shenstone, who being a 
Shen-stone, was harder tlian a lirick, say — 



228 ''Brick'' and i he School- Manns. 

*' In OYory village markod Avith little Ppiro, 
KmbowiMiMl in (roos nn«l hurilly knmvn to fanio, 
A matron oUl, Avhoni wo school-mistress namo, 
AVho boastvS inuuly brati? Avitli birch to tamo." 

Tamiiip: is good — kxnning would bo bettor! 
AVo think of the past — of the little boyish 
days when, just for dropping; a small piece of 
ice down the back of Mary , our sweet- 
heart, so calUxl, we took a rest aci'oss the 
kiuvs of a scliool-niariu, niul — and — and it's a 
toniUn' s\d\joct! AVe can't toll the particulai*s, 
don't ask us to, but licrs was a stern duty, 
and Jill the rest of tliat day it sccnicd as if we 
were sitlini^ on loni:: sticks of pcppcr-candy I 

C'>h! gonorons warmth, lunv easy to find 

A something hot behind yon ! 
That is, if you aro bound not to mind, 

The indignant school-marm, mind you ! " 

«lnst then the roar of battle over the hill 
toKl of an engagement. Stonewall Jackaon 
rode up and slioutod — 



" Brick " mid tlie School- Ma/rms. 221^ 

^''Dy tliundcr, ain't hIic IiaTidHornc? Bucli cyoB, 
Buch a kiBRablc rnoiitli, bucIi a winning look, 
enough to make; isviiry Bcliolar love lior, and 
don't I wIbIi I was a Bcliolar tliat I mIgLt — 
Here we arc, on tlic Bcliool-manrifl again I 
Wc can't write to-day — the Bpirit is willing, 
but the flesh is weak. There is too rnucih excite- 
ment in the air — too Trmcli Bcliool-marm. And 
only think — 

"Mother, I've como liomo to drink! " 

All the Bchool-manns are to be courted, kissed, 
caressed, wedded, go to houBckeeping, and, in 
time — read this article and say if it Ib bo or not ! 
None of your business — if you can't guesB, wo 
won't tell. And tlicy will all have lovers, and 
all be happy — 

When Uieir spanking days are over 

And the ferule m at rent — 
When the school-marms all have husbands, 

And — well — never mind the rest I 



*2;U) " JJncJc " iVhf the is'ho<>I'Manm, 

V\-c\{\ ^oow thov will K\'\vi>--tlu\v will rUo 
\\w'\\' CoiwiMUion Miul j;\> soiuowhoiv, :inil tho 
l^lju'os iliat Iviunv lluMU will spoak ol' thoui tor 
ninnv :i day. And tlu\v will in tinio votnrn to 
tlnnr v^Iimmi ihuios, iinvl tho ohildivn ot' tlio Stato 
will ho kojM w:\rni ! 

How l\l liko (o Ih> :\ to:\ohor. 

Atul with tho sv'iiool-marms gv>, 
FvM* hoiv juv j\i5it ft thw' mJVs-<Mi-htu'»s 

To ft hiu\ih\vt girU or so ! 

Wi>lh thov niv :i ;rood thini;-, and wo oan't 
liavo too muoli v>t' thoni. Thov will oxonso thij* 
ohn}>lor v>t* uonsouj^o, for u:irls always atli\'t \is in 
tliat way. AVo nuist liavo om* say, and lhov\i 
rathor wo'd say this than koo}> silont. Wo lovo 
sohool niarnis, it' t hoy aro li'ood — and n\ost ot' 
thoni in this OvMU\try aro. \Vo wish thoni woU-- 
hopo thoy will havo a ploasant visit — onjoy thoir 
trip--havo a jzlorions rido on tho rivor- l\avo lots 
ot' t'in\ all tind uwhI lovoi's, and in tinio havo 



" liridk " and iM Hch/foLMo/rrm. %\ 1 

lot,H oi' (jliilfijoii Tor other Hclu^ol rnanrw to caro 
for. Ari'l nitlicr tlian liavo iljcrn fj^n-no liorrj 
in Jt l)0'iy Ji.nd pull our r^jirn, or i*witc}i our 
w;ilkr;n',, wo''l rath'-.r t})';y would, wlion ov^.r tli<;ir 
r.'irnf>lo Jirid vl:',it, fro horrjo jukJ 't;j^ar)lc nit/ycnrju 
<>\\i of tlio hufif/i of tlioir ro:.i>o':tiv'; flo^-.kH, ;j.ri'J 
U-Ai(;\i tljo youn;.^ to lovr; tlif; wliito folk.-'; and tlj'*. 
Bcljool rfiannHy u» well art doc», 

FI^;urativ(Jy tlilrjo, 

'' I'i'JCK " f'oMrjiov. 







CHAPTER XXV. 



Wisconsin School-Marm Convention. 

rilw^ one of the ships that sail up and 
)^^^^ down the national ravine, from La 
r^'^^ Crosse to St. Paul, went two hundi-ed 
school-mai'nis of both sexes, all ages and con- 
ditions, marital and otherwise. The doings at 
La Crosse had terminated in a Balling spell, 
Pasely played on the most be-nine of the 
teachei*sl The girls had been looked at and 
their sweethearts envied — the smart male 
marms had unloaded their brains — the nimphis 
and muggins had been filled up with ice-water 
and fresh air — wo had looked and longed and 



Wiscon/fin Miool-JIa/rm Oojvoenidon, 233 

]ofjgCi<l and looked at thig peripatxjtic bowor 
of education for three days and — /Selah/ 

The party had started for St. Paul. It was 
a motley growp. Tlie bhip was crowded, and 
no bortliB to l>e liad for all the Bchool-marmB. 
''i'lic boat sqneaked and creaked from fitern to 
Htern — the Ijcd-bugs hastened hither and yon, 
anticipating a reach feast. The other pa»Ben- 
gerB wondered why all this was all thuB, and 
on we went like a toad after flies. Hock after 
rock was j>assed. Sloos of islands, and islands 
of sloos were left. We had looked here, and 
''do look there," and "just look over yonder," 
and "then see that" for bix hours, until there 
was not an un tired 1 — irnb on any of the 
educational branches, when a business meeting 
for tlie purpose of developing educational 
points was organized. 

Professor Jehiel Jagboys was chosen Presi- 
dent, and Miss Boardie T^mnd elected Secre- 
tary, by a majority of two. 



234 Wiscoiii^iii School-Marm Convention, 

Tho meeting was called to order, and " Brick '^ 
I'omeroy, an invited i]i;ucst, was cliosen reporter 
for the occasion. 

. Prof. Jaii;l)oys arose, steadied liinisclf by a 
chair, and said — 

" Gentlemen and lady school-marms ! We 
mo^'e. Onr — our — our — is onward and upwards 
(cheers). We move again. From point to 
point. AVe pass — pass — pass — pass — as we do 
points of interest on this big creek." 

" Jes so, Jehiel," said tho Secretary. 

"We meet. We meet here. Wo did meet 
here. This is a big river. We are all on it." 

" Hear — hear ! " by everybody. 

" That is to say. We are on the river to see it. 
" Come rest on this bosom.' 
And so we go home from first to last — from end 
to end of this matter. And now I thank you. Je- 
^liiel Jagboys thanks you. This is tlie first honor of 
the kind I ever had. AYe will now hear reports 
on education." And Jehiel doubled himself down. 



Wisconsin JSchool-Marm Con/vention. 235 

Miss Squigglc, from Squigglcville, arose. 

" Mr. President, I agree with you in all you 
have said, and more too. I have long had the 
same idea ! It is now thirty-two years since I 
hung my bonnet behind the door of a schoolus, 
and made of that right hand a warming-jgcm ! 
I'm goin' to tell my 'sperince ! You see me now 
— look at me. I've grown old in this ere busi- 
ness, but, thank God, I've never lost my patience 
nor my beauty! 

" There is two ways to eddicate the children 
of folks. There is one way, and there is another 
way, also ! I knows it ! Books ain't so much 
as gover'menti Gover'ment is more as books. 
As for me, give me fewer books and more gov- 
er'ment. 

" When bloomin' beauty hung like a topaz on 
my Ijrow, I was in demand on them account. 
Some folks want a schoolus in the woode, so 
they can get gads quick. Gads is good, but 
give me hands — and — and — and something to 



236 Wisconsui School-Marm Convention. 

warm 'em on ! 1 never use mittens, Mr. 
President I There is a better way to warm 
hands ! 

"AYlien I was examined by Mr. Warmiis, he 
spoke of government, and I agreed with him. 
1 had a powerful exammation. All the trus- 
tees Avas there. I have brought a diafram of 
the sehoolus in which I was examined, and the 
questions asked. 

" I took oif my bonnet, and we had the follow- 
ing dialogue : 

" Deacon Warmus, Trustee — ' Miss Squiggles, 
be you intended for a teachist ? ' 

"Miss Squiggles, applicant — 'If you plcixse, 
thank you.' 

"*What is your best hold?' 

" * Government ! always. Do you see those 
hand ? ' 

" ' Have you ever teachered any l ' 

" * Not much, but I have practised the rudi- 
ments on ten younger brats of our family ! ' 



Wuconsin ^c/iool-Marm Convention. 237 

" ' Do you understand the rule of three ? ' 

" ^ I have never practised on but one at a tirne^ 
jjut I had the other two ready ! ' 

" ' Are you familiar with the tables ? ' 

" * I always warms 'em across my knee ! ' 

" ' What would be your favorite way to correct 
the bad youth of the school ? ' 

"^'11 show you!' 

" * Never mind ! What salary do you want ? ' 

"^Two dollars a month!' 

"I was engaged at once. Our vicinity was 
noted for educational facilities, as some of the 
best rail-splitters in the world came from our 
school — their energies warmed into life by that 
hand, Mr. President ! I wish I had a dollar, Mr. 
President, for every end that hand has accom- 
plisJied ! I'd be rich, and have a new waterfall 
every day, Mr. President ! 

" I used to enjoy teachin', till they got to 
makin' boys pants t'other side to ! That rather 
busted me ! 



238 Wisconsin School-MaTin Convention. 

" How well I remember once when I called a 
boy up to receive liis regular warmin' ! He was 
the worstest boy in school. He grew up and got 
to editin' a j^aper in La Crosse ; and don't I wish 
I had him to warm now ? He was a rebel then, 
and allers will be ! 

" I got him all ready to warm, and, would you 
believe it, his folks had made his trowsers t'other 
side too ! That fashion beat me completely ! I 
never was so dumbered in my life — I couldn't 
punish him ! And his cousin, who 1 was to 
warm, too, had the same kind of trowsers, and 
actually laughed at me ! That was a good fash- 
ion for boys ! You bet ! 

" I don't admire wearin' that hand out beating 
dust out of clothes ; and I move, Mr. President, 
that we petition Congress to pass a law that boys' 
pants shall be made as they was made, for the 
new style is a 'fringment on our rights. I've got 
through and sot down, Mr. President." 

Mr. Miggles — J. Theophilus Miggles, instead 



Wisconsm School-Marm Convention. 239 

of common-sense John T. Higgles — took the 
floor and said — 

"Mr. President, and other school-marms: It 
is with diffidence I rise. I am but a country- 
school-marm . I have been too devoted to educa- 
tion to take large schools. 

" I glory in schools, and every winter I teach 
schools. I love it. I have tried several voca- 
tions. I have taught singing-school, trapped for 
musk-rats, sold essence, worked melon-patches 
on shares, sold brass rings and jewler trinkets to 
the children, as they do South to niggers ; have 
kept an eel-weir, managed a horse, clerked at 
election, tended toll-gate, been pound-master, ex- 
horted, taught Grecian painting, and filled other 
responsible public positions, but none gave me 
such pleasure as teachin' a school-house ! 

" Gover'ment is the great thing. But it wants 
genius to govern. Gads is good, but they fatigue 
the arm, Mr. President. Duns bloks is good, but 
not allers big enough. There is much that is 



240 Wiscoymn School-Marm Convention. 

good, but water is the best. I govern bj the 
water plan — the studies are not so dry ! I stands 
the scholars on their heads, and pours watei* 
do^^Ti their legs. Cold water in summer — hot 
water in winter. I thus combine pleasure with 
punishment ! IS^ovel and moral idea, Mr. Presi- 
dent. The colder the day the hotter the water. 
It is 

" The \c at erf all style ! 

" Some accomplish with hands — some with 
gads, but water is the best ! 

" It warms 'em to their studies, and is not so 
dry I I keeps a pot on the stove and boils water 
on pm-pose. 

" Gover'raent is the idea. 

" It ain't the teacherin' so much as the governin'. 
The duties of governin' school-houses is no unar- 
duous task. I agree with Miss Squiggles, who 
teaches into the next deestrict from me, that 
books is nothing to governin'. That pint aUei-s 
bothered me. There was Jake Josling — he was 



Wisconsin School-Marm Convention. 241 

the wursterest boy in all the school. I could 
keep track of his books better nor his tricks. It 
is pleasant to board around, and to visit on terms 
of equality with everybody. 

"There was Squire Smith — he lived in fine 
style. His folks was so glad to have me come. 
They lived in a big house, and allers made it so 
comfortable for me. I had a bed all to myself. 
It was so nice. 

" And at Deacon Brown's I had such a good 
time. The Deacon was always glad to see me. 
He knew I was bashful at meal-times, so he let 
me eat with the children, and sleep with them, 
too ! ITothing like boarding round when you're 
allers welcome. 

" But as I was saying, govemin' a school is 
ticklish business. Jake Josling was the wurster- 
est boy I ever saw. I have, as Miss Squiggles 
so happily said, accomplished his end often, but 
to no purpose! And I have gently warmed 

his — as I said before — with a ferule, till the 
11 



242 WUcoiiBiti School-Marm Conve?iiion, 

object of my attention looked like a pile of rails 
struck by a tornado ! Feruling is good, but is 
hard work for the arms. Pulling hair is good, 
but it gets grease on the fingers. Pulling ears 
is good, but the fingers slip off! Settin' boys 
and girls together is good, but it takes too much 
time to watch 'em. Pouring ink on their heads 
is very good, Mr. President, but it wastes the 
ink. 

' " And, then, it is such fun to have the con- 
fidence of your scholars; to have them put 
wax on your chau', red pepper in your hand- 
kerchief, oil in your inkstand, and fetta on the 
stove. I love pla^-ful children, Mr. President, 
better than I do the good boys and girls, for 
it gives us more chance to accomplish their 
ends ! 

'' I'm in favor of governin' more and booking 
less. I, too, ^Wth Miss Squiggles, was once 
dumbfounded by the discovery I made once in 
regard to the new style of pants. It shocked 



Wisconsin School-3fann Convention. 243 

nie to see parents thus interfering to protect 
their childen in sin." 

The convention here adjourned for hmch, and 
Mr. Theophilus Higgles and Miss Squiggles 
went arm-in-arm aft, seated themselves on a 
sofa, and told of school incidents ; as how they 
had larruped children of the same fathers, 
warmed infants of the same motliers, and 
decided to mingle their destinies hereafter. 

The last we saw of this brace of teachists, 
Squiggles was sitting on a capstan-head, while 
Higgles was trotting around, pushing on a cap- 
stan-bar, revolving his inamorata that she might 
see the country ! The hot sun was beaming 
severely down on his uncovered knob, the sweat 
of perspiration exuding and trickling like lim- 
ber molasses dowm his neck as he pantingly 
toiled, while the angelic Squiggles, with chin up 
and waterfall throwm back, was singing — 

" Please, mamma — may I go and swim ? " 
" Yes, my deail&st daughter — 



244 Wisconsin School-Marm Convention, 

If you'll hang your clothes on a hickory limb, 
And not go near the water 1 " 

Schoolmurfnuringly thine, 

"Beick" Pomeroy. 




CHAPTER XXVI. 

The Fun of Sleighing. 

.''^^KiUN ! Of course it's fun. or poets would 
^v^ not sing, editors write, and young 
^^^ people dream of sleigli-riding. What 
every one said was so, we thought must be 
so, and Saturday afternoon we tried it on. 
First, we engaged as handsome a young lady 
as there is in La Crosse. Oh perplexity! but 
she has captured us, sure ! Then we rented 
the use of a fast horse, dashing little conch- 
shell of a cutter, two buffalo-robes made out 
of red cloth and wolf-skins, pair of fm* gloves 
with long wrists and soft imitation mutton-fur 



246 The Fu)i of Sleighing. 

on the outside, a smooth hairy machine to envel- 
op our cars in, and around we went to the snug 
little Gothic cottage wherein docs reside the 
girl who went with us. 

Y\m ! Of coui*se we were bound to have 
fun ! It was cold. Ice-cream in a hail-storm 
is no comparison. AVe drew up in front of 
tlic house. The horse was a fast one — dasn't 
tic him — spirited creature — had run away and 
killed two doctoi*s a week before ! We holloed. 
The girl came to the window. AYe nodded. 
She nodded and ran away. We waited there, 
shivering like a Michigan ague, our molars, 
cuspids, and bicuspids rattling in our head like 
Spanish castinets. But don't it take a girl a 
Ions: time to dress ? Guess not, ]\rarv Ann ! 
We grew tired of waiting. Horse got mad. 
We waited and amused ourselves with chatter- 
ing " Pop goes the weasel ! "* In about an hour 
she came out. AYe helped her into the cutter. 
She was all hoops — large circumferous hoops ! 



The Fun of Hleujldng. 247 

SLo got in — occupied fivc-Bixths of the Bcat ! 
We crowded in edgewise like a coon-skin on 
a Ijarn-door, and about as comfortable I We 
started for tbc river, rattlety-skeeter, snowballs 
flying and bells jingling. Somebody said it 
was delicious riding on the ice. We headed 
that way, and up stream we went, with the 
wind to our back, bound for fun. 

Good Providence! how cold it was! A 
cast-iron dog in a well was nothing to it! 
Tried to talk I Not a bit of it ! Tried to 
laugh at it. Froze our face all up wapsided 
like the price of railroad stock ! She said her 
lingers were cold. We tried to get hold of 
them with one hand for the purpose of warm- 
ing them. Too cold for that, even. It rode 
smooth enough, but how alfired cold! Toes 
ached? liather think they did! And her 
toes, ditto! Soon her cheeks began to crack 
open with the frost— her lips began to chap! 
Had read somewhere that two-lip salve was 



good for suoh attacks I Thought it would bo 
nice to upplv a little! Got the hoi-so to 
**w1kvi\'* slightlv. AVe divpiKxi tlie mns over 
the div^h aud our tVv^t. She *' snug-god \ip " to 
>vanl u> ac> gout I v a> a juvonilo dovo. Wo 
novor had kissod hor, but thought this a good 
time. Wo '* whoa'd " tho hoi-so a little iuoix> — 
geutlv plaood our right arm around hor niutllod 
\viust, our lott ar'.u around hor — hor nook, low 
doMTi, and sho sort of loaned towaixi us I All 
tliis time ue weiv going up tho river at the 
rate of ton niiles> an hour. AVe tliought she 
was freezing! lleard somewhere that tif\>^tp 
Sivlve was an '*anei»dote" iovtJiat/ Had some 
along in ease of an emergency ! We got all 
ready — looked behind to see if any one was 
in sight to make ivmarks about us — lookeii 
ahead to see if all was ele:u* arvnmd rhe bend, 
and then — " Wt^ -c-k-k ! '* — but what an yneartA- 
ly scream/ AVe didn't kiss her just then! 
Xever kiiew it was so j^iuful to ai'iply the 



Tli/i Fun of Hle^ighm/j. 24 

Balve Ixjfore! When kIjo hcraamaA, tJio hony^ 
jurnpryj. 8}je Icanryl };a/:k. One of our IjandH 
caught hatwoj'ji Jjor and the cutter Beat. We 
grabbed for tlje reinn — got them twlBt<;d 
and faBt around left boot! VnUcA with the 
left hand on the "gee" rein. linn against 
tlie bank, upBet tlie c^jhi'ijumhA coneh-fchell 
cutter, and ?jofJt, of us got r/at!—^'Y-y-y\it^^— 
how eany I The way we go out might have ?>een 
graceful tJiere, but it would nr^t have been in 
Broa^lway. It might Jiave been elegant, but 
we doubt it! It might liave l>een ^leliberate— 
ouly it wasn't! We got out of the cutter, 
however, quv:Jc as it v/pnet! Leing more y,- 
lite, we got out fir^t ! Then came the young 
lady, with another " We-e-^-^B-E ! '' only a little 
shorter! She lit on our head. Iler garments 
were not draj^ed, nor did they appear in fes- 
toons. We were under, tlie good Lord only 
knowB how many yard« of mixed goo<i«i! We 

crawled out and beheld a general assortment 
11* 



!>50 The Fun of Sleighing. 

of tliick-soled shoes, white woolk^n lioso, red 
elasties, skirts, skeleton thing, furs, shawls, 
merino, and jonng lady, sadly and badly mix- 
ed! Tlio horse liad gone home with the cut- 
ter, robes, and one boot pulled oif by the 
i-eins! TVe were nine miles from home! We 
helped the girl up and smoothed down her 
raiment. She was mad. Says she, ''I'll tell 
my ma ! '' Says we, " Don't ! " Says she, '' You 
mean feller — upset a-purj^ose ! " We denied 
the soft impeaehment, but it was no use, and 
we started home on foot. AVell, if it icant 
chilly ! How our tooth ehattorod ! Our noses 
looked as blue as an old cent! She was mad! 
Ditto. She said sleighing was a humbug ! 
Ditto. She said sheM never go out with a 
** Brick" again! We walked half a mile. The 
sleet was driving in our face awfully. Looked 
back, and saw, two miles otf, a team coming. 
Sat down on the ice to rest. Bundled up the 
girl — took oft' our Eiissian coat, sat down by 



Tl\je Fun of Sleighing. 251 

her on the ice to keep her warm. It was 
rather cool where we sat ! Moved a little — 
didn't feel it as much. Her cheeks looked 
inflamed. Om- heart felt the same way! She 
sighed, and we sided up to her. Told her 
two-lip salve was good. She didn't doubt it, 
but it was too cold to spread well! We tried 
it again. We-e-^-6-E-E ! It must have been the 
cold that made it hurt so to apply the salve. 
In-doors, it's fun to use it. We sat there and 
waited. The team hove in sight! Drove up 
and stopped. It was a Norwegian with a load 
of wood! Good rugged place for young lady 
to ride, but there was no help. She got up. 
We tried to, and couldn't. Pants had froze 
fast to the ice ! Tried again — " rip ! " and how 
the cold air rushed in upon our spinal mem- 
brino! Tried again, and "rip," and more cold 
air. The giii took us by the hand — another 
" rip ! " and a piece of our French doeskin 
pants, about tlie size of the end of a muff, lay 



95B 7%0 Fun of ^h^ujhimj. 

tlioiv on tho oold ioo ! \Vo coniplninod of tlio 
ooUl. Nonvogian >:ud it >voiild bo wjvnnor it' 
wo Nvoro drjnvoii^. A^rooJ with hiiu ! llolpoJ 
tho vounp: L'uly oliiwh on tho sh\l — binulhHl 
hor \ip with ovorooat and lii;-ht wood, and 
oanio alon^r vory ixradually, indood. Askoil 
Isorwoi^iau his nan\o. llo said it was Tnrnor 
C^voi-son I Yonng- hidy hoard tho hist son- 
tonoo- thonght ho nioant it— jnnipod otV with 
anothor " >V o o-^w-k-k I — no you don't!" Sho 
wouhhi't rido thoro aro any nioro ! lliivd a 
sloigh and drivor, and onvoh"'pod in ooUl straw 
and sliivoi's, and oanio into tho oity bohind 
two nuUos, at tho rato of a miU^ in two 
houi-jj. Halt' a luiU^ to oa^'h nudo ! Wo tt.vk 
tlio young h\dy homo, and havo not boon to 
SCO hor since. The doctor says her nose, one 
ear, both chocks, one hand, and one foot arc 
frost-bitten! AVo arc worse otf than that. 
Haven't been out of the house for a week 
back! We're all t'rostod, t'roni top to toe. 



TJt/i I^wa of SUig/d'n/j, 2ij'j 

Tlie horfic came liorne in Hpfj^id and fJig^UBt. 
He Bpilt the robes, broke tke cutter, and sprained 
hi» le^, BO we liave liinj to pay for. Our ride — 
oar iinmensely pleanant ride, has cost uu over 
four hundred dollars ah-ea^iy, bcBides the Iobs of 
a kisB, the young Wiy, and a few thousanrlH after 
inarriaj^e ! If we ever go out for Buch fun, some 
blind man will pleafie Bhoot ub. If that in Bport, 
we pasB ! It'o a humbug — a chimera — a delucion 
— a — a — a horn-BWogglement. "VVe shall never 
engage in it again. W you want to bleigli-ride, 
go it, but excuHC UB. This freezing to death for 
the sake of bitting by the side of a pretty girl, 
is all a humbug, especially wlien Sunday nights 
are as long as now. 

P. S. — A pair of fur gloves, liair thing for tlio 
ears, and muffler, for sale cheap. They are fine 
articles, but the owner has no further use for 
them ! 



CITxYPTER XXVII. 



Slobbering Parties — for tue IIeathex ! 

'^H^^ MODEST rap, rap and a half, or two 

^% raps on tlie door. 
"^•"^ '- Come in." 

'' Good-morning, * Brick.' " 

<' Ditto, Deacon.^' 

" To-night we have a sociable at our house — a 
meeting of those who are willhig to do a little 
something for the beneUt of the heathen — a so- 
cial gathering of young and old, and we wish 
you to attend." 

^' What's the exercise programme ? '' 

'' Oh ! nothiiiir out of the wav — social sociabil- 



Sldbbermg Parties. 255 

ity — chat with the ladies — promenade with the 
girls — games — ^reading from a book — a little 
fun — contribution — refreshments, such as cold 
water and opening and closing the draft to the 
stove ! — ^good-night — home with the girls, etc." 

" Will attend ! " 

" And bring a lady ? " 

" And bring a lady ! " 

" Good-moming ! " 

" Ditto, Deacon ! " 

After supper we read Chesterfield. Then we 
looked through our wardi'obe for a ruffled shirt. 
Then we gave a barber ten cents for a dime's 
w^orth of facing. The next move was to eradi- 
cate the dust from our imported goods. This 
done, with trembling heart we started for the soci. 

We always were some on the ambition. Ac- 
tuated thus, we had invited the handsomest girl 
in La Crosse to go with us to help the heathen 
out of their religious panic. She was the flower 
of the family, and there were thirteen flowers of 



25(> Slobbering Parties. 

them I She was handsome — dreadfully hans. 
She was the sweetest in the rosary — the gayest 
of the gay — the one altogether lovely. When we 
emerged outside from the sill of her father's dom- 
icile, and saw Blutfer, our rival, riding by with 
a mad look, how our heart ambition ated as she 
placed her pretty hand within the graceful bend 
of our broadcloth ! Guess not ! 

We went to the sociable. 

Everybody was there. The house was crowd- 
ed. Didn't know the heathen had so many 
friends. Our Mirilda — that's her name — was the 
prettiest girl there. That made us feel good. 
AVe were late, and the chairs, sol'iis, settees, otto- 
mans, stools, etc., were occupied. Mirilda must 
have a seat, and to get it she had to sit on tlie 
wood-box. Didn't like that. We stood up. 
The sociable began. A nasal chap read some- 
thing — couldn't tell what. Then commenced the 
chat with the ladies. Mirilda was tlie rose every 
one was after. Good for Mirilda, but we didn't 



Slohhermg Parties. 257 

relish it. Every putty-head in the room was 
bound to monopolize her. We felt mad, and 
inwardly said, dam the heathen. Then we had 
games. There were forfeits to pay, and old 
Mother Wattles was the judge. She did not 
like us, because we did not marry her daughter. 
She knew we hankered after Mirilda, because we 
had told her in confidence, and, unable to hold so 
important an item alone, she had got the help of 
all the old gossips in the city. She was judge, as 
before stated, and every time a feller did any- 
thing she made him kiss Mirilda. 

Daiin the heathen. 

Deacon Rattler did something, and he must 
make a " butter bowl " with our own sweet girl. 
And he put his hands over his ugly face, and 
blindfold kissed her six several and distinct 
times ; right in the mouth at that ! The gray 
old nuisance ! To see him kissing Mirilda made 
us feel as a lady feels to see a jackass starciping 
around in a bed of pinks. 



258 JSlolflwi/u/ J\irtits. 

Then .n little runt >vith soiiio ij^oos^o-t'iizz on his 
upper lip had to kiss lior ton times. Thou the 
sohool-inastor had to tako a trial at it, with hi^ 
ossence-of-ciimaiuou-soentod head ! Thou a doz- 
en drv-goods elerks, who Mirilda never would 
have let kiss her it* it wasn't for fashion, had 
to help tJieiuselves to bliss tVoni her rubv ware- 
house ! 

Oakx tuv: ui vruKN. 

At'ter a while— a verv long while, too, it eanio 
our turn, and we stood f/iadtu^ crtctux^ i/i j'/vutu^ 
the plethoric teniale judieiarv I We knew she 
would toll us to kiss Alirilda, ami we ileeided not 
to do it — ^^just out of spite I Ihit eontound her if 
she didn't seuteuee us to iro and avt down on 
oiu' knees before Miss 81imn\er, an old maid of 
iitty-tivo, tuid thou she was to kneel too, and wo 
were to kiss her twelve times bv the thermom- 
eter I We did it ! Miss Slimmer went at it 
like a dog after a rabbit, but then we do wish 
she'd let onions alone till aft<r sueh exorcises. 



SUMermg Part/ies. 2o0 

They don't add to Bucli things, even in her 
case I 

Confound the iieatuen. 

At last tlie Boclablc was over ! Our Mirilda 
had been kissed, slobbered, mussed, and mouBlod 
over by every chap in the room till she looked 
like a pan of currants, half green, half ripe ! 
The plate was passed, and eacli donated. Kot a 
donate from us ! We jxisnerl^ too ! We felt 
dreadfully womljlocropt, and with Mirilda on 
our arm went Jionie, diBgustod with all such 
" kissing bees " for the sake of tlie heathen — con- 
found them ! We didn't stay long at her house. 
We felt mad like ! Mirilda felt sort of poorly^ 
too, and said she didn't want to go again. Said 
she'd rather buy those groceries }>y tlie retail, as 
too many of them spoiled the market ! Wo 
kissed her good-night, and from her lips we 
tasted cardamom seeds, tobacco, cloves, sardines, 
cassia buds, lager-beer, camomile flowers, 
Switzer cheese, gin cocktails, liquorice root, hard 



200 SlMerhuj Parff^s. 

cidor, swoot tlaii;, and tlio Lord only knows what 
olso ! All tho effects of proniiscuons kissing — for 
the bonoiit of tho heathen ! 

Fashion sanetions it ? Parn fashion ! That's 
all ! "Who -wants to take the girl he loves to 
sneh parties, Avhere every mutton-head has 
lieense to kiss, slobber, and niousel over lips 
which at no other time could he dare to touch ! 
It must bo pleasant for girls to bo chawed up 
and slobbered over by everybody in the room. 
It's so modest ! It looks so angelic-like ! "When 
womaTi's lips become public property, we quit. 
How sweet is the kiss tinctured up like a drug 
store! It looks so retiring and lady-like to see a 
pair of ruby lips one has a love for, sitting out 
like a hoi*se block ! Fashion may tolerate it, but 
fashion is a fool — a very foolish fool at that ! It 
will do to sUal kisses by nuxuilight — when 
sleigh-riding — when standing by the gate to say 
good-night; or to delicately pluck those ripe 
enough to fall, as you sit on a sofa with the lamp 



Sloybm'ing Pa/rties. iJGl 

turned down aH if aHlccp, one arm around tlie 
waist, the head earelessly resting on your bIiouI- 
der, and the lips just opened as heaven opcuB to 
let in a loved Bpirit; l>ut tliis promiseuous 
slobbering, with a hundred raw eyes watching 
and waiting for a like chance, is too inucli foi 
the human. 
Confound youu IlEATnEN-iVt J^ajctieh! 






CMIATTKK XXVlll. 
WoNUKina I. U viK KKruoinHM;:^. 

, of Now Vi>rk, t^ont iij^ :v o:iko 
.t^.^vj*' of his (hiiTuont, with tho modest iv- 
^liiost to " |nitl* it, :ind soud tho bilL" 
A'onorablo and l*!ir-sii;htOil oainlhirv prodiioor! 
AVo do, and inoiv too. Your (hii;uout is a hii;* 
thiiiii,-. AIthoiii;-h in small oakos, it is novortho- 
U^ss a ooU>ssal iloiu. ^Vo triod it, FoUowiui;' 
tho priutod diivc'tions ^-ivou, wo iH:ido a hitlior 
and ap}>liod tho brush. Tho hithor was mixod 
in a i;'hiss dish, and in four minutos a boautit'ul 
hair, all shades oi' oolor, had started from tho 



Wonderful JIa/i/r- Reproducer. 2ih) 

(HhIl Wc applied Boiiic to our face, and it UnAi 
lour Bwif't-workiiif:^ barborn to cut down and mow 
away as fast aH tho beard ^'cw. Wo put a littlo 
oil tlio too of each boot, and in an Iiour tlicy 
looked bke Zonavo niUBtachcs. Wo put Honui 
on a (;rowbiir, and it in coven;d vvitli lofi;/, oiirly 
Jiair like a hullido, and in tlu; ooident woatlior it 
(tan l>o nnod witliout ifiittfinn. A litilo on tlio 
carriai^o-polo Btarted tlio liair on it like irn^HH. 
We droi)ped BOine on tlie Htove, and an the fire 
waH kindled the liair started, and tlie hotter tlui 
Htove became, the faster pjrew tin; iiair, till tlie 
Hnioll of th(! hunit hair Ixjcanni so ])Owerl'iil as to 
drive all IVoni tlxj room. The stove was B(;t in 
tlu; ])arn, and it can't be Keen now, aB tlui haii" 
is literally stacked n])on it. Only one a[>plica- 
tion. A littb) a])[)lied on a wa^on tire iian in 
tive days Btarted a vigorous crop, and now the 
wa^on can be driven over a plank-road and not 
jnake the least noise, bo w(;II arc the wheels cov-. 
ered with soft hair. Only one applictation — 



264 Wonderful Hair-JReproducer. 

dollar a cake. We skinned a goose, put on some 
of the Ongiient, and in two hours the feather- 
grower was enveloped in hair like a squirrel, and 
was seen this morning trying to climb a shagbark 
hickory in the back-yard. A little applied to 
the inkstand has given it a coat of bristles, 
making a splendid pen-w^iper at little cost. We 
applied the lather to a tenpenny nail, and the 
nail is now the handsomest lather-brush you ever 
saw, with a beautiful growth of soft hair at the 
end of it, some five or six feet in length. Only a 
dollar a cake ! Applied to door stones, it does 
away with the use of a mat. Applied to a floor, 
it will cause to grow therefrom hair sufiicient for 
a Brussels carpet. A little of this Onguent lather 
was accidentally dropped on the head of our 
cane, which has been perfectly bald for over ten 
years, and immediately a thick growth of hair 
formed, completely covering it, compelling us to 
ehave the head twice a week. Only a dollar a 
bottle — directions thrown in. A little weak 



Wonderful Ilair-Iieproducer. 265 

lather sprinkled over a barn makes it impervious 
to wind, rain, or cold. It is good to put inside 
of children's cradles — sprinkle on sidewalks, any- 
thing, where luxuriant grass is wanted for use or 
ornament. We put a little on the head of navi- 
gation, and a beautiful hair covered it. A little 
on the mouth of Mississippi river started hair 
there resembling the finest red- top grass, in which 
cows, sheep, pigs, hogs, snipes, woodcock, and 
young ducks graze with keen relish. Only a 
dollar a cake. Sent by mail to any address. 
One application will grow a luxuriant mustache 
for a boy. One dollar a cake. Samson used it. 




12 



CHAPTER XXIX. 




The Dickens. 

oz. 

We saw him. 

'E came from Hengland ! Came hover 
the hocean hin two steamers, the blarsted things ! 
He came over to collect interest on his notes of 
Americans taken some years since. He said 

the Americans were hall Hasses, and the 

Dickens ! 

The Lord loveth whom he chasteneth. 

We all love whomsoever chastiseth lis. Selah. 

Therefore, the Dickens. 

We did saw him ! 

Great men are always fashionable. The folks 



The Dickens. 267 

turn out to welcome great men and those they 
loYe. They rushed to see Lincohi's funeral. 
They paid to see the late prize-fight. They 
welcomed the Portland gag Weston, the walkist, 
whose pleasant fictions as to wagers, and so forth, 
reminds us of Dickens. 

The papers have told all they know about 
Westoit. Some of them have had special 
correspondents to tell us of Dickens — who he 
was, how he was, what he was, when he was, 
where he was, why he was, which he was, and 
how he acted while he was \ 

The I:Tew York papers are not particular 
enough. Their readers are great for gossip and 
raising the Dickens. We pattern after I^ew 
York papers and cater only to those who follow 
lions and flutter like tails to foreign kites. 

Dickens came. 

Then he came again. 

This is his second coming. 

We saw him land. We sat on the top of 



268 The Dickens. 

Bunker Hill Monument and saw him come 
ashore. "We ran ahead of him to New York and 
saw him there. He came in by Communipaw, 
Murray Street, the Central Park, Tammany 
Hall, Mozart Wood pile, and down the Broadway ! 

He is — the Dickens. 

He was dressed in men's clothes — or one man's 
clothes at all events. They were made in 
England. He had hair on his head, and what he 
could not put there he had on his face. He 
wore a coat, and a penknife. He walked in from 
the Hub for his constitutional. He emulates 
Weston, only Weston beat the I)ickens. He 
entered the hotel by the front door. He walked 
very fast — made the distance, eight miles from 
the carriage to the hotel door, inside his — under 
shirt ! 

His boots were worn on his feet, while he wore 
his hat on his head ! He sells enough waste 
paper each day to buy a rose for his button-hole. 
The paper comes from those who wish him to 



The Dickens. 269 

exhibit himself at their houses. This would 
make the next door and the other set of fellows 
feel bad ! The Dickens ! 

He eateth not of mustard. So does a cat! 
Yery unfeline not to eat mustard! He eats 
mutton chops and pulls wool. Selah ! 

He has two agents and nine body-servants. 
And many servants for his legs ! He says come 
here, and they goeth — and go there, and they 
Cometh ! 

He uses a fork. He makes 'em all fork over ! 
We saw him arise once. It was in the morning 
— ^before breakfast. This is the how of it. 

At half-past three o'clock a. m. he turned over 
and squeaked the bed to see if his agent had 
come in. Then he sneezed out of one nose. 
Then he sneezed out of the other. Then he 
sneezed out of both at once. Three times. 
He then pulled the top sheet over his right 
eyebrow, turned to his left wing, and slept like -a 
babe taking its catnip or kit nap ! 



270 The Dickens. 

At four lie slung the sheet from his chin, 
turned over again and gently put liis left foot out 
of bed. One of his leg servants then drew on his 
hose. lie dresses the left foot first. This is not 
right, for he eats no mustard. So does a cat ! 

Then his garments were wafted on him, all 
but the rose in his button-hole. He washed his 
face in the basin. Used water, wet his hands 
before he did his foce. This is peculiarly 
English. Then he combed his hair by proxy, 
and while one of his servants was cleanins: his 
teeth, wrote a ten-thousand-dollar article for the 
Mamby Paniby Pass Book. 

At six O'clock he sneezed again. It was the 
mustard ! 

At seven he tasted a glass of water, and at 
eight poked his head out of the ^Wndow to hear 
an Italian boy from Dublin sing, as he trudged 
along between two tin pails — 

Clams to sell/ Fine clams to day I 
Clams nice and soft from Rockaway I 



The JDiclcms. 271 

Clams to bake and clams to fry, 
And clams to make a clam pot-pie 

Oh Clams I 

Oh Clams I 

Soft clams I 
Tell your dads and tell your mams 
That I'm the boy to sell 'em clams I 

This little testimonial will be printed in 
volume two of his American !Notes, price ten 
pence ha'penny ! 

At nine he breakfasted. lie entered the 
dining-room by deploying from the left, striking 
the table in an oblique position on the extreme 
centre. He then caromed on a soft-boiled 
potato, levied on a link of fried eel, pulled an 
eye-winker from his left eye, camped on a hot 
buckwheat pancake rather syruptitiously, drove 
his picket into a country sausage, illustrated an 
edition of porter-house beef-steak with cuts, 
made a water-fall of a glass of milk, wrestled 
with it two inches higher than his cheek bone, and 



372 The Dickens. 

downed a piece of butter and sneezed gently at 
tlie mustard I 

Dickens uses tea. He uses it for a beverage. 
He holds the cup even with his cheek bone, 
in his left hand, and dips it in with a tea- 
spoon. He refused to allow Butler to call on 
him during tea-time 1 

• At ten o'clock he shoves the table from him 
and sits down against the wall to write. He 
is quite a noted writer. lie writes for fun 
while waiting for something to turn up. Then 
he looks over his tickets, gives the counterfeit 
ones to dead heads, writes a letter to his pub- 
lishers, and tries the hall for its acoustic 
properties. When he walks he puts one leg- 
before the other. The faster he walks the 
faster he moves his legs. But he uses no 
mustard ! 

He is commanding — orders a gin-cocktail 
whenever he wants one, except in Boston ! 

When writing he sits in a chair if con- 



The Dickens. 273 

venient, places tlie paper before him, takes 
the pen in his rig] it hand, dips it occasionally 
in an inkstand and winks. lie always winks 
as he dips his pen, but nses no mustard I 

He is the author of several works, in which 
respect he resembles Brigham Young more 
than George Washington, who used mustard ! 

lie telegraphed into Boston from mid-ocean 
that he was sea-sick, and should leave the 
steamer and walk in, so an extra boat was 
sent out to meet him. One day when dining 
with Deacon Brown, of the Two-hundredth- 
street Church, he got off a joke which startled 
the Brown family. 

Said Mrs. Deacon Brown — 

"My dear Mr. Dickens, liow did you liko 
the sea on your trip ? " 

Said Charles — 

"I see too much of it — let us wave the sub- 
ject ! shun it, I pray ! " 

The Browns all laughed immoderately. But 
12* 



2Y4 The Dickens, 

Dickens vronld not eat their mustard ! Then 
Mrs. Deacon Brown asked if he was sea-sick. 

Then Mr. Dickens responded — 

" Yon bet ! Every man of sense is sea-sick. 
So was I. I was disgusted, and I thought of 
the person who atterfipted a sea voyage on the 
sea of Galilee, was sea-sick, disgusted, and 
got out and walked!" 

Deacon Bro"wn looked at his wife, but neither 
of them smiled. It was the mustard ! 

In person Mr. Dickens resembles his pictures 
quite much, but the resemblance is not so strik- 
ing as it was. Mr. Dickens brought a few 
intimate friends with him to this country, the 
society here being so poor, and it is now his 
intention to visit a few of the wealthy but 
honest families of J^ew York and Boston with 
his select party, for the purpose of giving us 
Americans lessons in manners, politeness, and 
civilization without 7nustard/ 



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